Day 3 (again - yawn) but need some advice

[Skid Row]

Hello (again) Just starting over, on day 3 af (whoo hoo). Had a bit of a bad run and husband not so happy with it all. My question is this, if I have issue, which I clearly do, and I accept that I do, and my husband says I do, but thinks it is just lack of control and that when I drink I drink too much. Blah blah, this is all excuses because he likes to drink, he doesn't drink the same way I do - he is far more controlled, but never goes without a drink. I asked him to stop as well, just for a while, but he wont. So does he have issue as well, or is he just completely selfish? It is pretty tuff not to have a drink when your husband is sat that with a big fat juicy glass. (hope his head hurts in the morning lol). I am a little lost because I am totally lost, I have lost the ability to see what is reasonable and what is not at the moment. I feel that him saying tut tut you really have to stop but then refusing to help by stopping (even just for a little while like a week) or something is unreasonable. I know that we are responsible for our actions and our actions alone, but this to me just doesn;t seem right.

[KatieB]

Day 3 (again - yawn) but need some advice

Hi Skid Row,
It does sound like your husband may have a problem with AL too.. in fact, in Allen Carr's book "easyway to control drinking" he states that anyone who feels the need to have a drink is addicted, even if they can stop after a couple.. they still have that need to have one, and still think their life would not be enjoyable without AL! It seems unfair of him to expect you not to drink then go on drinking himself - if he really didnt have a problem with AL he would have no issue with giving it up for awhile to help you, right?.. it sounds like he could be in denial.. but we are here to help you and keep you motivated and away from AL, read and post as much as you can!
Katie xx

[dancingon]

Day 3 (again - yawn) but need some advice

I had the same problem with my ex. I'd announce that I was not going to drink for a while and he'd say "I've heard that before" and pour himself a whisky and proceed to drink it in front of me, even asking if I wanted one. A couple of days later he'd buy me a big bottle of Rum and some Coke to apologise. Talk about sabotage.

Your husband may have a problem he hasn't faced up to, or he may genuinely think you can just stop if you want to. Maybe you need to use the word "alcoholic" if you haven't already and tell him you can't stop without his support. I always wished my husband would say, What can I do to help? But then I probably never asked him outright. Good luck.

[Skid Row]

Day 3 (again - yawn) but need some advice

I am in agreement with the fact that you think he may have a problem as well, but of course, we all know that you can't see it until you are ready to see it. I know I do, I can go without without too much trouble but then when I do drink I want to drink everything and get completely blotto. He never does this, he has a few, and I would suspect generally one too many, but he never spills or makes a dick out of himself. However, he is massively critical of the way I drink, and even when in control he is critical. It stems from when we had little money I think, not the case now, but we would share booze on celebration nights (if you like) so it therefore became a race, because I always felt ripped off that he was having more, oh god this sounds so pathetic, but it is true, and I think this is where it all started for me at least. Now he says things like we'll just share a bottle, and then I go for a glass and it will be gone, so we took to having a bottle each, then no arguments. But then I would find that I only had a maybe 4 glasses and mine would be all gone (not always but sometimes) and I would know by the way I felt I hadn't had "my fare share" - like I say pathetic but sadly the case. Now I am on day 4 and feeling massively strong. I have been here before, but not with this conviction. The red mist is clearing and I am seeing things more clearly. Last night was not a sweaty nights sleep, it was warm and kind. Today I look like poop, but hey, I expect that to change shortly. I wish he would be more supportive and I also wish he would not be so judgemental but I think he has had a belly full of me getting pissed. So from my side at least I am AF, and I intend to stay this way. Thanks for your support it really is appreciated.

[spuddleduck]

Day 3 (again - yawn) but need some advice

:goodjob: well done on 3 days skid.
my partner drinks, admits he is an alcoholic, but is totally different from me in that he can mostly control it. he can have a couple of drinks and not go for oblivion like i do. he is being very supportive with me and has said he will stop drinking if it will help me. i actually dont want him to as i know i would feel guilty that he is stopping something he enjoys for my problem. its tough if he is sitting with his beer and i am on fizzy sober juice but sooner or later i know i am gonna have to be in drinking company. all i can say is i know i have to do this for me, whatever it takes. good luck on your journey. we are all with you. :l

[spuddleduck]

Day 3 (again - yawn) but need some advice

also, i think its difficult for people who can control drinking to understand what its like for us. they cant understand why we self destruct (neither can i, but it still happens). im 29 days AF and it is greatly due to coming here and the support and advice from the wonderful people here. keep at it, you will find a way through this x

[Guest]

Day 3 (again - yawn) but need some advice

Husbands can be strange creatures. I'm married to an "old school" one who thinks that doctor's, anti-depressants, counsellors are for losers. (Although he doesn't say this out loud.) His mother had a number of problems, so I think he has adopted his father's stiff upper lip.

Well, I am seeking help here, taking anti-depressants and going to see a counsellor on Friday. If I told him, he would roll his eyes and tell me I'm over exaggerating my problems.

I've realised I need to do this on my own and I will. More importantly, I need to make sure my son grows up knowing it's OK to ask for help and communication is good.

My husband is not a bad man, just old fashioned. He hears how I encourage our son how to talk and does not stop me. He admires how son and I communicate.

Until more recently, men weren't allowed to show their feelings and some of them are still stuck in the old way of thinking.

[Skid Row]

Day 3 (again - yawn) but need some advice

I - tonight am one week, that is a whole 7 days without my ex bad friend al. I am feeling quite excited that I have made it this far, which given the way I am is sure indication that I am about to fall. I am determined not, so don't worry on that score. I am just concerned that my success (small to many - vast to me) is neither recognized or acknowledged in any shape. Now, all I am getting is perhaps you should cut the weed next (just cigarettes not weed weed lol). I just wonder if perhaps I am never to be a pleasing wife. I am always to feel that I have a failing of some sort. Hubby continues to drink, and a note to those who are still drinking, even to a smoker it stinks (I like the smell but it is a powerful smell) if that makes sense. I am wondering as the fog lifts from my brain, if perhaps I am pretty ok really and that perhaps I am just being picked at. I have to say, with a clear head and some strength (I feel so much stronger) each day, that I have been being squished a bit too readily by my husband who supposedly loves me. He certainly doesn't seem to act like he does. I guess I am a little fed up that he doesn't seem to notice how far I am travelling. Hey - what can you do?

[Panno]

Day 3 (again - yawn) but need some advice

Skid well done on 7 AF days. It sounds to me that your husband is slightly envious in some way. You are doing something he possibly can't so thats why he is now focusing on your smoking. Try and bite your tongue and just think of you. :goodjob:

[Doggygirl]

Day 3 (again - yawn) but need some advice

Congrats on 7 Days AF. That IS huge. The early days can be so difficult! Of course the people who understand that best are the ones who have also gone through it. Sometimes spouses who are not addicted (or haven't faced it) CAN'T understand.

Focus on you. Don't let your sobriety or your goals be dependent on someone else's reaction to what you are doing. YOU know whether your are addicted to AL and need to stop. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or does.

You will go through changes and your relationship will have to go through some changes too. Everything in good time. Sometimes relationships change for the better, sometimes not. But if drinking is a problem for you, then it will continue to be a problem (and probably get worse over time) regardless of what is happening with your husband.

Rock on!

DG

[fennel]

Day 3 (again - yawn) but need some advice

Panno;827132 wrote: Skid well done on 7 AF days. It sounds to me that your husband is slightly envious in some way. You are doing something he possibly can't so thats why he is now focusing on your smoking. Try and bite your tongue and just think of you. :goodjob:

I'm with Panno. Your husband has his own issues.

As for recognition, come to this place. Seven days is freaking huge! I can't wait until I'm at seven days. Every one of us here understands how big a deal your accomplishment is! :goodjob:

[mama bear]

Day 3 (again - yawn) but need some advice

I agree ( as always) with Doggy.....when i first got here in February, I tried to "blame" hubs for my drinking, but I have to own up to the fact that it's my problem.
it sucks, but if he's not going to quit, then what am I to do??? Keep drinking......HELL NO.
So, I continue the battle....and you know what....he goes out with friends, has removed booze from the house and does not drink in front of me now. I think you could request some reasonable restrictions without making him quit all together??? as a show of support????

[mollyka]

Day 3 (again - yawn) but need some advice

Skidrow, well done on your 7 days! I found those days so tough and it really does get easier and easier as the days go by - just don't get complacent - that's probably the biggest problem now!
I sympathise with you about your husband still drinking. My husband has told me several times that he couldn't do what I'm doing but when I look at what he drinks - it's soooo moderate - I can't see why he should give up or why he would have a problem doing so - wierd. At the end of the day it's your decision and your life, I think when I was drinking my self esteem was rock bottom and anyone could say anything to me and inside I would feel I deserved it because I was a ' no good drunk'. Now however I am so happy with myself that no one could put me down, the confidence being sober has brought to me is mindblowing!!
Keep going the way you're going, its all good:goodjob:
Molly

[runningwind]

Day 3 (again - yawn) but need some advice

Skid Row;827128 wrote: I - tonight am one week, that is a whole 7 days without my ex bad friend al. I am feeling quite excited that I have made it this far, which given the way I am is sure indication that I am about to fall. I am determined not, so don't worry on that score. I am just concerned that my success (small to many - vast to me) is neither recognized or acknowledged in any shape. Now, all I am getting is perhaps you should cut the weed next (just cigarettes not weed weed lol). I just wonder if perhaps I am never to be a pleasing wife. I am always to feel that I have a failing of some sort. Hubby continues to drink, and a note to those who are still drinking, even to a smoker it stinks (I like the smell but it is a powerful smell) if that makes sense. I am wondering as the fog lifts from my brain, if perhaps I am pretty ok really and that perhaps I am just being picked at. I have to say, with a clear head and some strength (I feel so much stronger) each day, that I have been being squished a bit too readily by my husband who supposedly loves me. He certainly doesn't seem to act like he does. I guess I am a little fed up that he doesn't seem to notice how far I am travelling. Hey - what can you do?

Skid Row, I think your husband is probably aware you are doing good and it just might be scaring him. If you get well, he might than have to look at his own issues. :goodjob: on your week AF. I wish you the best!
runningwind :l

[tictak]

Day 3 (again - yawn) but need some advice

My husband also drinks and used to be worse than me but since he started working nights 6 years ago hes alot better,still drinks to much but hes always in control.Whereas once i start i cant stop till i pass out if theres wine in the house.He knows i have a problem but hes in denial in a way because he wants me to drink with him when hes off work.