I drank and I am ashamed

[Anotherday]

I know how I feel when I read one of these threads. I understand the other person just didn't have a better tool at the time. So, I drank and I'll make no excuses for it, other than to say I wanted to celelbrate but the bigger part of it has been the realization that I am just white knuckling this process day by day - wondering how long I can sustain it. I am asking myself how I'm going to do this thing called life when I get so bent out of shape over trying to put myself out there with people and getting ignored. It felt so awful and I think that underneath it all this was still going on - my fear that I can stop drinking completely and am still going to have a crappy life. This is the best way to put it. It is the fear that I can do all the right things but that somehow my time has passed and I am defective and am going to be just miserable AF.

I must now redouble my efforts. I must now quit smoking in order to not pick up a drink as there is no way I'll drink if I manage to quit smoking.

I am, of course, paying for it today. I am hungover and would like to drink the hangover away but I have school tonight so I cannot. Thanks my MWO friends. You are the best but at times this thing is just bigger than me.

[Funny Girl]

I drank and I am ashamed

AD - no need to beat yourself up. Plenty here have done the same. I think you've done amazingly well. Too bad you can't go back & read your initial posts. I know Mama Bear read them . . . . she can tell you how awful you sounded & how much you've improved. Celebrate the small things. You've done just great. Get back on the wagon & ride . . .

So, you got out there, it sucked & you made a mistake. It was just ONE mistake. Not bad at all.

[Anotherday]

I drank and I am ashamed

Funny Girl;826201 wrote: AD - no need to beat yourself up. Plenty here have done the same. I think you've done amazingly well. Too bad you can't go back & read your initial posts. I know Mama Bear read them . . . . she can tell you how awful you sounded & how much you've improved. Celebrate the small things. You've done just great. Get back on the wagon & ride . . .

So, you got out there, it sucked & you made a mistake. It was just ONE mistake. Not bad at all.

Thanks, FG. I just don't know how I am to do this. I think I had better order that Alan Carr book as it seems to have really changed people's way of looking at AL. I can do that.

I had better find better coping skills to deal with rejection. Rejection has always tripped me up in the past. I drink over it. I know none of you judge me, but I judge me. I was hesitant to post this as I feel so guilty, but I know guilt is a stupid emotion and does nothing for someone. I would be better served coming up with a strategy as to how to deal with rejection and disappointment.

[spuddleduck]

I drank and I am ashamed

anotherday im feeling for you. this is a mad crazy beast that we are fighting. were you at a social event or something. that is a really big one for me. i know for a fact i cant do that sober yet so well done for trying. the thing is AL twists our way of thinking, especially about ourselves, screws you up inside and takes control. reading from people who have managed AF for a long time, it does get better, and life gets better being AF. i dont know about you but life was getting very crappy with AL so if life is crappy without AL at least it will be crappy without damaging me and my family/friends pets/plants. the hangovers tell us that we are poisoning ourselves. hope you can pick yourself up and carry on the fight.
tomorrow is ANOTHERDAY. it may take time but you can do this. :l x

[sick of being sick]

I drank and I am ashamed

Yesterday was a very stressful day for you, Another. Please don't beat yourself up. Have you read the book "the easy way to quit drinking" by allen carr? It would help you so much. You cannot think that you are going to have a miserable life without alcohol. Alcohol makes our life miserable! I've experienced the healthy, happy sober life and I am fighting for that every day! Please stop looking back at yesterday or tomorrow, just concentrate on TODAY and staying sober TODAY! If we all look back at our past or at our imagined future, we would all become so overwelmed and depressed that we would crawl into a bottle and never come out! You can do this! You can have a happy life without alcohol. Please read that book. It will change your whole attitude about alcohol. I have seen how loving and caring you are to people through some of your posts. We all love you and are here to support you!

[Funny Girl]

I drank and I am ashamed

Get the book AD. Spuddle - you hit it on the nose - it was a social situation & yes, she at least tried. AD you should be applauded for trying - I didn't!!! Maybe it was just too much too soon - give yourself a break for being a little too positive! How about that? . . . . ;-)

[Anotherday]

I drank and I am ashamed

You're all right. It was too much, too soon. I should have realized this. I cannot go from being a hermit in my cave to putting myself out there and risking rejection as I did and expect to walk away unscathed. Honestly, I was treated like I was a piece of poop. It got to the point where I felt so bad over my hair, what I was wearing, my weight, everything.

Then to make matters worse after being snubbed like that the organizer sent me an email telling me I did not fit in and was being removed from the group. :upset:

[Flip Top]

I drank and I am ashamed

I know the feeling of feeling bad about having a drink. I drank on the tuesday and I actually had a good night but it was the day after that really affected me, anxiety, self loathing etc. Then I went out on the Thursday and did it again, I was walking home hating myself and i really dont want to repeat the thoughts that I was having on the walk home so so dark.

I think I guess what im trying to say is you aren't on your own and when you do slip up then all you can do is try try again.

I know plenty of people out there that maybe dont drink excessively but I do wonder would they be able to go without AL for a long period and if they cant, I bet they dont beat themselves up other it.

So in away you are being stronger than most people, chin up chuck!

[dancelot]

I drank and I am ashamed

Anotherday -

Unfortunately the harder part of stopping (rather staying stopped) is figuring out where we need to to do the work on ourselves. That's why things like MWO, AA, other support groups, counseling or therapy, or something, are so important. AA has been helpful to me, but it's also bringing back the fact I need to have my ADHD treated as well. I've found live support helpful, but at the same time, if I'm not careful, I get overwhelmed by too much information, and too much interaction with others (well meaning on their part). If the ADD's "too stirred up", all the self help in the world won't help. If I can't process it, it's useless. Being overwhelmed, "peopled out", is more of a trigger for me than spending too much time alone. I've got to find a balance that works for me.

In my experience, it's an ever evolving process. I try to take the good where I find it, use it, modify it when needed, and always be open to new tools. You are still in the early stages, and I remember that in itself was a lot of change, a lot of just trying to distract myself, etc. As I go along, there are times everything's flowing pretty smoothly, and then there's these bumps that come along, usually unexpected. That's the time I reevaluate what I'm doing, where I'm at, take a break and regroup, something.

I had a very realistic drinking dream last night, right down to hiding the bottles, replacing the ones I'd taken from my housemate, carefully looking at all the information on the labels (it was an imported beer I'd never seen) so as to buy the right one to put back in the 6 pack, etc. I was even formulating a good lie to tell so I didn't have to have a new "sobriety date" (I have 7 friggin' months, can't I keep using that one, dammit?).

This seems to be a learning process that in some ways is as individual as each of us. In other ways we're all so alike it's scary. As far as shame, most of us have felt that, but it's right up there with guilt on the uselessness scale. It's also a huge trigger for a lot of us. We know we need to stop drinking, but there are better reasons than guilt (like health, safety, something). None of us are perfect, so we need to stop believing that. It's fascinating how the highest achievers are the hardest on themselves. Perfectionism ain't all it's cracked up to be if it makes us miserable. Today is a new day, let yesterday go, and keep going forward. :l :h

[dancelot]

I drank and I am ashamed

Anotherday;826213 wrote: You're all right. It was too much, too soon. I should have realized this. I cannot go from being a hermit in my cave to putting myself out there and risking rejection as I did and expect to walk away unscathed. Honestly, I was treated like I was a piece of poop. It got to the point where I felt so bad over my hair, what I was wearing, my weight, everything.

Then to make matters worse after being snubbed like that the organizer sent me an email telling me I did not fit in and was being removed from the group. :upset:

Was this some type of support group?

[Rusty]

I drank and I am ashamed

Hi AD,

So sorry you are so down and you were rejected. What kind of group were you removed from? That blows me away that "you didn't fit in." I am with you and have empathy as I tend to drink after I feel like I've disappointed someone I work with or made an honest mistake that really caused somebody some grief. We are all hardest on ourselves. PM meet later if you want to chat further about handling rejection as I have alot of experience in learning how and it's not easy. You're a wonderful person, kind and good to everyone here and we are all here to help!

[runningwind]

I drank and I am ashamed

Anotherday, with all this great advice I don't know what I can add, except too stay in the moment (and really absorb what that means) and keep making baby steps forward. As everyone has said, the guilt just causes you to look back and there is know answers for us there. So onward you go..... Your in my thoughts,
runningwind :l

[Anotherday]

I drank and I am ashamed

Thank you all so very much! Boy do I feel like crap! But you're all so kind to me and I really appreciate it. Today is a new day. The hangover will pass and then I learn from this and not do it again. I hope anyone reading who is working on their own AF - ness will read this and NOT do what I did. So not worth it.

It was one of those meetups on the Internet for women over 40. Just a bunch of women getting together. I thought....how scary can it be? I wasn't counting on being left out and treated as I was. I can make conversation with anyone but I sat there getting vibes that this person to my left did not want to talk to me. So I felt stupid and like I was sticking out like a sort thumb. There was no one else to talk to. Mind you, I know people like to talk about themselves so I asked questions but I guess I just did not fit in.

Oh, and I am going to order that Alan Carr book. I wonder if they have it at the library. Gosh, I need a job, I need to lose weight, I need to do so many things. I just wonder if at some point the feeling that I am just white knuckling every day AF will go away!

[dancelot]

I drank and I am ashamed

Anotherday;826243 wrote: Thank you all so very much! Boy do I feel like crap! But you're all so kind to me and I really appreciate it. Today is a new day. The hangover will pass and then I learn from this and not do it again. I hope anyone reading who is working on their own AF - ness will read this and NOT do what I did. So not worth it.

It was one of those meetups on the Internet for women over 40. Just a bunch of women getting together. I thought....how scary can it be? I wasn't counting on being left out and treated as I was. I can make conversation with anyone but I sat there getting vibes that this person to my left did not want to talk to me. So I felt stupid and like I was sticking out like a sort thumb. There was no one else to talk to. Mind you, I know people like to talk about themselves so I asked questions but I guess I just did not fit in.

Oh, and I am going to order that Alan Carr book. I wonder if they have it at the library. Gosh, I need a job, I need to lose weight, I need to do so many things. I just wonder if at some point the feeling that I am just white knuckling every day AF will go away!

Sounds like a bunch of bitches! Sometimes I find those type things, and some Internet forums, like Junior High lunchrooms (or worse gym class locker rooms!). I'm glad you come here - you are an intelligent, thoughtful individual.

[mama bear]

I drank and I am ashamed

OH HONEY...stop beating yourself up. Drink some water and eat and start over,. I am so glad you posted. I have fallen down so many times since i started in February and right now I have the fat lip to prove it. It will click at some point and you have been doing great. Just keep on keeping on and know that we are all here for you. I am sorry you feel so horrible, but guilt is useless. Maybe you should try internet dating like Katie B is?????