learning to talk - sober

[spuddleduck]

this may sound a bit odd, but im trying to learn how to talk sober to people. i know a lot of people here suffer from anxiety. after years of drunk talking i find it difficult to talk to people sober, even friends. i would avoid people in shops, hide behind the cornflakes or something. also not remembering drunk conversations that i have had to god knows who made me scared of seeing people, for fear of what i have said or just not remembering something important that they have said to me. i am now trying to practice talking to people. i live in a small town so going to the shops can be a social event in itself. im trying to just engage briefly in conversation with people who i would previously have avoided. this may sound silly but it is an important step for me to be able to continue in my sobriety. im not ready yet to talk to people when they are drinking but sooner or later i will face that one too.
any thoughts on facing the world sober.

[JackieClaire]

learning to talk - sober

spuddles,
My son once asked me what us sober people talked about. I replied the same as you but we don't repeat ourselves four times over.

At our corner shop that I've just started frequenting again (it used to be my source of an odd bottle or 3). The people I know will just smile,say hello and say aren't you looking well
I often want to say 'the last time you saw me I was a hungover,shaking alkie so it's no wonder I'm looking well'. I bite my lip and just ask them how they are. I bet you won't be able to get a word in edgeways.

And it's taken a long time to sink in but drunks have got to be the most boring people in the world. Quick nod and a wink to them and I beat a hasty retreat.

J x
:l

[dunno]

learning to talk - sober

That's really funny Jackie! You are so right.
and it's true, people's favorite subject is talking about themselves. (something the know about) lol

[mollyka]

learning to talk - sober

I know exactly what you're talking about Spuddles, I suffer severely from shyness and it felt like alcohol helped with that, but actually JC is right I was probably just boring people to tears!! I thought I was witty, hilarious etc - yuck I'm cringing just saying that, but it doesn't take away the fact that I find sober conversation very hard. I'm grand at work cos we all have something in common to talk about but take me out of my comfort zone...........
Don't know the solution, still struggling with that one!
Still prefer being sober tho!!
Molly

[tictak]

learning to talk - sober

I to suffer with shyness molly.I went to the docs about it when i was about 22 and was diagnosed with anxiety states.Sometimes i cant talk to ppl without going red,especially in shops and stuff.

[Coco-Nut]

learning to talk - sober

Me too... I absolutely (no pun intended) need(ed) those drinks for the eloquence they provided (??). I am very shy and the AL got me through a lot of social situations. (Now I too have to find a large enough Cornflakes box!!!)

[KatieB]

learning to talk - sober

I am with everyone on this..
Since being sober, I have hardly called anyone at all.. I used to have rambling conversations with some of my friends for up to an hour, now I dont call anyone at all as i'm too nervous, but I know I will learn how to eventually.. I want to learn how to have fun conversations sober.. My grandad also called me the other day.. i used to be drunk to talk to him, and would talk for ages.. but this was a very short quick conversation that lasted less than 10 mins.. I dont know if im just a boring person but i cannot think of anything to say when sober! my mind is blank! the same goes for that dating site - i cannot think of anythiing to say to these guys.. yet I have had a reasonably fun life (without AL too.. i have travelled a bit and have some opinions about a lot of things).. i just dont know how to talk to ppl sober as for so long i have only been able to talk to ppl after a couple of drinks AL.. i know the main problem is my lack of self-esteem.. i hate myself and think i am boring so i dont bother trying to make conversation as i think ppl won't be interested.. or i am too scared saying opinions, i constantly worry about offending ppl, saying the wrong thing or just getting a strange look from saying something weird.. anyway,. sorry for rambling but this is one of my biggest issues!!! i dont know how i can be happy if i cannot converse with ppl sober..
Katie :upset:

[mollyka]

learning to talk - sober

And I thought I was the only boring sod out there! Seriously tho, I have spent my life wishing I was one of those people that everyone wanted to be with, I had two sisters who were like that and even when relations would call it always seemed to be my sisters they wanted to see and to talk to - I used to get so hurt - USED TO - naw I still do, hence drink filled those awkward silences..........................

[Doggygirl]

learning to talk - sober

This thread got me thinking about "how it was" when I first quit drinking. I suspect this may have been a withdrawl symptom (thank goodness I have stopped poisoning myself with AL!) but I would actually mix words up with I first stopped. Didn't matter how hard I concentrated on what i was about to say - sometimes words came out mixed up! I had been reading a lot on here about Topamax (Topa) and some of the side effects that people referred to as "Topa Dopa." LOL - I called my mixing up of words "Dopa Nopa." That passed after a few weeks.

I too wondered just what the sam hill I always talked about since I had not much of anything to say at first. And when drinking, MAN was I a chatterbox. I too thought I was witty and sophisticated. HAHAHAHA. I realize now that I repeated myself a lot. (people have told me this, much to my embarrassment!) I have also now had the chance to observe other people and how things go after a few drinks and.....well....I can definitely say I'm glad I don't drink any more. Especially when socializing at business related events. (my past is cringeworthy in that regard)

I am finally learning how to make conversation without any AL Lube. It has taken a while because I really relied on AL for my whole adult life. But things are so much better this way. I am able to take a genuine interest in what other people have to say rather than politely nodding while I figure out how to drink as much as I want to without anyone figuring that out, and other AL related crapola.

Developing REAL relationships once AL is out of the picture can be a joy once we get comfortable. Give it time.

DG

[tictak]

learning to talk - sober

Actually,shys the wrong word for me..... im more just anxious to a state that i get all confused

[mollyka]

learning to talk - sober

I have been thinking a lot lately and I realise that I haven't been sober (except when pregnant and then you're not thinkin of anything but babies) for more than a week for nearly all my adult life and I'm not sure what sort of a person I really am. Like you Tictak am I shy or am I anxious, I do actually think I suffer from anxiety - not a word I would previously have associated with me ever. I have been away for a week and relaxed very well but today, my adult children, who I adore, seemed to drop worries on me all day and by this afternoon I did actually think a drink would be nice, definitely a connection! I feel disloyal to my young people even saying that but that is the wonder of this place - I can lay all my worries at your feet!!:thanks:

[spuddleduck]

learning to talk - sober

well yet again im not alone, as others have said, i have always used AL as a social lubricant. people think im very chatty yet im in peices inside. on my trips out from behind the cornflake box i have tried to be a little bit of the chatty drunk me but without the crap. i really find it hard to know what to say, what the hell did i used to talk about. also as molly said i have always been fine at work. i think its because we have to be there together and i dont feel i have to be entertaining. it seems crazy but i do think i have to re learn how to interact with others.

[tictak]

learning to talk - sober

I sometimes feel if i was a less amxious person this wouldnt have happened to me.... but who knows

[dancingon]

learning to talk - sober

i managed to avoid conversations mostly when actually drunk, but on social occasions a couple of glasses would help me loosen up. I haven't tested my ability to be witty and charming without Al yet. As for day to day conversations - lots of people are shy, have low self-esteem etc whether or not they are alcoholics. I think it is a matter of believing in yourself and believing that people aren't seeing you as an alcoholic. If people did have a conversation with you when you were drunk they will probably be impressed to talk to you sober. Rather than hide, smile and say, "Hello" Let people talk to you if you can think of nothing to say at first, and maybe it will become easier when you relax.

[redhibiscus]

learning to talk - sober

I was just thinking that it is a whole new world sober. I cringe when I think of how I would ramble on the phone when drinking. I'm sure I would repeat myself and say things that were inappropriate, stupid, and annoying. In person I would be OK for a short time then be unable to talk, needing to go and sleep it off.

Two thoughts came to me: spuddle duck you are very hard on yourself. If your conversations are shorter, you have more time to listen. Also, when we are drinking, the guilt and shame cause a pattern of really negative self-talk. Now AF, we can make efforts to change our self-talk.

Last night I started thinking negatively and (since I am working on changing my negativity) purposefully changed my thoughts. My anxiety went away and it didn't matter anyhow. So remember, thoughts lead to feelings. Make sure your thoughts are good ones.

Mollyka, a word about kids sharing their problems. My son does that alot and I have to protect myself cause I worry and want to rescue him. It is hard, isn't it? I was thinking the other day that I do not have to solve his problems, just listen. But old habits die hard. I hate my kids to struggle, but realize that growth only happens when challenges are over come.

Have a great AF day.