how to get over past mistakes

[KatieB]

Hi all,

I have started to feel a bit down on myself lately.. though I know I have come far.. I just don't know how to forgive myself for all the stupid/irresponsible and terrible things I have done whilst under the influence.. I just don't know how I can forget and get over the things I have done.. from my car accident, to the incident with my baby, and the things I have said and done to people.. I hated myself back then so i know that's why i did what i did.. i did not want to live... but now i do but i wish i could erase my past and start afresh with the knowledge i have now! i thought AL was helping me.. helping me to survive.. but it nearly destroyed me on a number of occasions.. i know my ex's family blame me for the assualt on me.. im feeling i probably deserved it.. it was karma for me after the things i have done whilst drinking.. i feel i may sink into depression again.. i feel such a failure.. often i think my son is going to grow up and not love me or hate me for the person i am,..

[mama bear]

how to get over past mistakes

look at your signature....always look back with forgiveness...quit being so hard on yourself baby....we have all made mistakes.....

[KatieB]

how to get over past mistakes

thanks mama,
i find it easy enough to forgive others.. but not so easy on myself.. i am a perfectionist normally - i guess thats a huge reason AL was so addictive - i felt had to escape my own mind and the strain i put on myself all the time to be "perfect" - i am often afraid of myself.. if i dont live up to my ideals, i get depressed.. then i would drink and get more depressed by doing stupid things.. :upset:

[mama bear]

how to get over past mistakes

r u seeing a therapist or taking antidepressants? they have saved my life in the past

[KatieB]

how to get over past mistakes

Mama - yes im seeing a therapist - weekly.. he is fantastic.. i was thinking of going onto anti-d's again.. they should work now that i am not drinking..
x

[Guest]

how to get over past mistakes

Hi Katie,

This is a big one for me too. I sometimes wish I could erase my memory and start again.

We all know that we can't go back and change things, so the only way is to move on. My counsellor taught me a "grounding" technique which I am already finding helpful.

When you have a bad thought -

a) Physically acknowledge it. (I flick the inside of my left wrist.)

b) Recognise 6 things around you - just 6 insignificant random things. (The grass needs cutting, it's cloudy today, my shirt is white, the nearest pen is orange, there are 5 books next to me, my stomach is rumbling.)

c) Then state "It's Mar 2010."

I think it's all about bringing us back to the present and not dwelling on a past we can do nothing about.

Spam xx

[Doggygirl]

how to get over past mistakes

Katie I can really relate to what you are saying. I too found it difficult to forgive myself for the rotten things I did while drinking. Working to repair the alcohol related damage I have done to my relationships has been no small task, and will probably be an on-going project to some degree for a long time coming. Forgiving myself had to be at the top of the list.

I have learned a lot in AA that has been really helpful to me. It's impossible to boil down the process as I have practiced it into a single post. A couple things I have found helpful though...

The greatest amend I can make in an effort to right the wrongs is to LIVE BETTER going forward. I can work harder to stay sober and to do the next right thing. I can work hard to treat people better and to hold myself to higher standards of honesty, kindness and compassion. DOING the right things going forward is worth more than a trillion "I'm sorries" followed by continued bad behavior.

When we stop drinking, that is really just the first step in beginning a better life. And the quality of my life going forward will be determined by my actions more than my words.

I cannot change yesterday. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I have today and can make the most of it by doing what's right.

I have no idea if that's helpful. It's a very important topic you raise. I believe that finding a way to deal with the wrongs we have committed while drinking to be critical to sobriety.

DG

[NoraC]

how to get over past mistakes

Katie ? I think that is something that many of us are dealing with. At least, I know that I am dealing with that now. I wish I had the magic answer for you. I do know that I am very impressed by you. You are such a remarkable woman.
I regret so many things in my past. I think that we are going to have to let those go and focus on now and the future. We can?t change those things that we did. But, we can make the future better. We can make these times happier for ourselves and our families. Like the wonderful birthday that you just spent with your son. What a special day that was. :l:l

[Guest]

how to get over past mistakes

Spam;830859 wrote: Hi Katie,

This is a big one for me too. I sometimes wish I could erase my memory and start again.

We all know that we can't go back and change things, so the only way is to move on. She taught me a "grounding" technique which I am already finding helpful.

When you have a bad thought -

a) Physically acknowledge it. (I flick the inside of my left wrist.)

b) Recognise 6 things around you - just 6 insignificant random things. (The grass needs cutting, it's cloudy today, my shirt is white, the nearest pen is orange, there are 5 books next to me, my stomach is rumbling.)

c) Then state "It's Mar 2010."

I think it's all about bringing us back to the present and not dwelling on a past we can do nothing about.

Spam xx

Brain's working faster than fingers. This is something my counsellor taught me.

[KatieB]

how to get over past mistakes

Doggygirl;830860 wrote: Katie I can really relate to what you are saying. I too found it difficult to forgive myself for the rotten things I did while drinking. Working to repair the alcohol related damage I have done to my relationships has been no small task, and will probably be an on-going project to some degree for a long time coming. Forgiving myself had to be at the top of the list.

I have learned a lot in AA that has been really helpful to me. It's impossible to boil down the process as I have practiced it into a single post. A couple things I have found helpful though...

The greatest amend I can make in an effort to right the wrongs is to LIVE BETTER going forward. I can work harder to stay sober and to do the next right thing. I can work hard to treat people better and to hold myself to higher standards of honesty, kindness and compassion. DOING the right things going forward is worth more than a trillion "I'm sorries" followed by continued bad behavior.

When we stop drinking, that is really just the first step in beginning a better life. And the quality of my life going forward will be determined by my actions more than my words.

I cannot change yesterday. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I have today and can make the most of it by doing what's right.

I have no idea if that's helpful. It's a very important topic you raise. I believe that finding a way to deal with the wrongs we have committed while drinking to be critical to sobriety.

DG

Thank you Doggygirl,

I am attempting to live a better life now.. and i know i cannot change what has already happened.. but the fact is i am now 32 and cannot drive my son or myself because i lost my license being drunk! the fact is that is still with me today, even though i have "bettered" myself in lots of ways.. however.. i guess it has really taught me how precious a driving license is, and on the news the other night, a man was saying after a young drunk driver nearly ran over him "your driving licence is a priviledge (sp?) not a right" - i will so appreciate my driving licence when i finally get it back..
as for my son.. thats the really hard part where i find it hard to forgive myself - i am a mother! why didnt i stop drinking??? i always thought having a child would change me but i was so selfish and drank!! yes, i had an unhappy marriage and still had anxiety - i truly thought having a child would rid me of social anxiety as you put your child first and i thought i would respect myself for the fact of having a child.. i was wrong! i was still the same person with the same issues.. its only now that i am finally improving.. i guess better late than never? ....

[KatieB]

how to get over past mistakes

Thank you Spam and Nora,

Spam - i will try that trick to prevent myself dwelling on the past,

Katie x

[Doggygirl]

how to get over past mistakes

KatieB;830870 wrote: i guess better late than never? ....

YES!!! Better to do better today, than to give up and live in the same old rut as yesterday. Onward and forward. Things WILL get better.

DG

[Lavande]

how to get over past mistakes

Yes Katie, things WILL get better!
Yesterday is history, you cannot change it but you can make a much better future

Keep up the good work, you have done so well!
Lav

[ATLThrash]

how to get over past mistakes

Just remember

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery-- today is all you have right now. A great football coach repeated that alot this year and my team won the national championship- it is true though! Focus on all teh good you haev done and all the things you HAVE -- not what you don't. I think you are doing great. I kill myself about drinking or not having as much energy with my son due to being heavier (which the drink just hurts) but all I cna do is go forward with lessons from teh past!

[Gold]

how to get over past mistakes

Hi Katie,

I think it is natural to reflect on how we got to where we are once we start to make changes in our lives.

The key phrase you used is the "things done whilst under the influence", another term is intoxicated, your behaviours were influenced and poisoned by the alcohol you consumed. You are not that person in reality, I'm not advocating denying responsibility for the things that happened but suggesting that you do not identify yourself now with the actions at that time. Your primary responsibility has been to choose whether to remain under alcohol's influence knowing how it affects you, and you have chosen to be free of the influence of alcohol which is to be commended. In addition you have recognised that your desire to be influenced by alcohol was driven by feelings of low self-esteem which you are now addressing.

These things are in the past and the only thing you can change is how you see them. Perhaps they were loud calls for your attention to be the impetus for change, and you heard them. You are starting afresh and what you have learned and are still learning is compassion and understanding for yourself and others. Try not to feel guilty and overcompensate for your perceived failings, move on wiser and determined to be all that you can be.

I don't believe that your husband's attack on you was karma for your actions whilst drinking, after all you have paid for those actions with your DUI and your subsequent actions to change things. Your husband did not have to assault you, that was his decision alone.

You are not a failure, your son is young and will grow up with a strong, compassionate, supportive mother. As to not being able to drive him to places, he gets to go on the train and buses, I used to arrange special trips to experience a train ride or a bus ride when mine were small, there is so much to see and fun to have on public transport for a small child. I realise it is much less convenient than driving but he is a lucky little boy to have the experience and your full attention on your journey's together.

Let go of your worry about the past and enjoy the present with your son, it's the little things they remember, train rides, candy floss, donkey rides, simple things.