Real hard day

[hillsidetime]

had a very tough day yesterday. I am sad, and confused and disheartened...I feel overwhelmed. Here is how it went down, sorry if it's long, but I feel I need to let it out. I am bummed.

- I have not gone public yet with my trying to live af, however my wife has told our families, I was not ready to do so, she didn't ask my permission to tell others, I am still not sure yet exaclty how I feel about her doing that, but regardless I had to have a talk today with my Dad. I was not really ready for this chat, but it happened because he knows, it was not fun, he was not mean or anything, it's just not how I wanted it to happen

- my brother in law says to me later, "so whats this I hear that you quit drinking" "what am I going to do in the summer""not good, not good"...I didn't tell him I was sober, I didn't want to have this chat yet, I didn't enjoy it at all - I feel like a student who is forced by their teacher to talk in front of their class, even if they are shy and really don't want to

- later that afternoon, I had a meal at my in-laws, and it was awkward - I felt bad to make things weird with wine at supper etc, I made a quick exit to play with the kids outside, once again, it was like alcohol was controlling my day - BUT I WAS NOT DRINKING - it is ironic I guess, and it is my fault for getting into this in the first place, but man I felt like I was against the ropes.

One of the bright spots for me when I stopped drinking, was that finally no one would talk about me and my drinking. However, but now they are talking about my not drinking. Surely this will pass like last weeks news, but it was building up today. I just want to do my own thing, I don't bug anyone else.

FINALLY - I had my first rehearsal with my band (classic rock and roll). My band members all drink, smoke, people attend our rehearsals and dance and drink and smoke - it is a lot of fun. After the crappy day I had, I still managed to pack a cooler bag with pops, and quietly poored them into a large cup from time to time. But all night I kept thinking about what I was missing - I know now, that this is the evil alcohol devil showing its head - but I was jealous. I had fun sober, but I wanted to smoke and drink and party till 4AM. I didn't drink, or smoke or do any drugs.

I do feel down in the dumps, and beaten up emotionally though. I made it, barely. Thanks for listening,
Hill

[Farm Girl]

Real hard day

Hillside - That is very tough - to face your family about being AF before you are ready. But you can get thru this as maybe once they get over the novelty of it, they will be completely supportive. Keep in mind your wife might be so happy that you are trying to be AF, she might be telling family because it matters so much to her. You know, being the only one sober and smoke free at your band rehersal can be a good thing. You can remember everything that happened and feel good the next morning. Trust me, I don't think you were missing anything more than a wicked hangover and sore throat.

I have gone thru the same phrase - what am I missing and why can't I party like everyone else - but that is the wicked AL talking and it's all bad once you start listening.

Hang in there - one day at a time and you made it thru this one.

[Doggygirl]

Real hard day

Hi Hillside. Congratulations on pushing through a stressful day without giving in to AL! That is great work.

While it's unfortunate that things didn't go the way you would have preferred with the families, it sounds like one of those situations where we have to trust that things will work out for the best. I don't know about your situation, but my husband has been deeply affected by my alcoholism. So there are times when he chooses to handle something differently than I might like. But I feel he deserves some leeway given all he has tolerated from me. Once everyone gets used to the idea that you don't drink, and they just go on with their own thing, it might be a relief to have the *secrets* out in the open.

I admire all people who do their work in the midst of a drinking / smoking environment. It's awesome that you had fun sober, despite some urges to join the "fun." Whenever I have a fleeting fantasy (because that's what it is!) that drinking would be "fun" I need to play my drinking tapes that are in my head - all the way through to the end. Remembering the truth of my drinking experiences, embarrasing and/or dangerous behavior, horrid hangovers and other consequences. It might be "fun" for other people but it's been many years since it was truly "fun" for me.

Rock on!

DG

[mario]

Real hard day

FINALLY - I had my first rehearsal with my band (classic rock and roll). My band members all drink, smoke, people attend our rehearsals and dance and drink and smoke - it is a lot of fun. After the crappy day I had, I still managed to pack a cooler bag with pops, and quietly poured them into a large cup from time to time. But all night I kept thinking about what I was missing - I know now, that this is the evil alcohol devil showing its head - but I was jealous. I had fun sober, but I wanted to smoke and drink and party till 4AM. I didn't drink, or smoke or do any drugs. .......................................
Hillsidetime when the sun comes up and you jump out of bed you will feel well & happy instead of sick & disgusted,serenity & happiness have become much more important to us than the excitement of drinking,which lets face it only lifts us up for a short while,then justs lets us all down in the end,re your family, most people dont or cant understand what your going through you will have to ride that out and soon it will be forgotten and your not drinking wont be an issue for them & the majority of them will be singing your praises..keep at it it is well worth it..:goodjob:

[over it]

Real hard day

good on you mate! Im a musician and eventhough I havnt been in a band for a long while, rehearsals all used to be like that! Its rock n roll I used to think! I played for 10 years from 18 till 28, never went on stage sober and used to smoke pot like a trooper!!!! Was great fun but its still taken me another 8 years to decide to cut right back on the booze and stooped pot about a year ago!!!! Eventhogh im still drinking a bit have realised that I can still write some brilliant songs when I used to think booze and drugs was for my creative side and my artistic integrity!!!!!! Push along my friend and keep me in the loop!!! I can feel an awesome gig coming our way soon!!!! XXXXXX

[Stargazerlily]

Real hard day

You did a great job in remaining AF. So outwardly you did what you committed to do, but inwardly you are having alcohol thinking. I sometimes still have that too, then try to think my drinking through to the end. The change in personality (in my case to someone I do not like), the stupid, thoughtless things I do under the influence, the lack of restful sleep, the physical symptoms of hangovers, the extreme anguish, depression and anxiety. The people I let down. All not worth it for the few hours of drinking.

Regrets vs. peace, hangover versus physical well being, embarrassment versus self-respect, apologizing versus honor. Drinking alcohol versus being AF. It takes time to get used to it, and I am a prime example. IT helps me and others to hear your struggle cause we are struggling too. Logically it makes no sense, but that is the cunning, baffling, powerful part of the BEAST. It tells us we are missing out, but the reality for me is that the longer I am AF, the better my life is, and it is also better for my family. You can do this, sending you persistence and peace.

[Guest]

Real hard day

I understand your feelings.

I wish my husband had only told his family (I've only met twice) and all his friends locally, about my quitting alcohol, the times I have. Instead they have heard all the dirt about my drinking (his side only.) The embarrassment is too much, I've stayed hidden for years over this.

I've felt a desire to tell the other side of the story, his drunk & drugging behavior. I realize they wouldn't probably believe me and also in the end it would make me look bad. Revenge is not always sweet and I would feel guilty after wards.

My hope is to stay AF. I just need to know in my heart I am living true to my values, that I am my true self again. Then others opinions of me won't matter.

[hillsidetime]

Real hard day

Thanks for your thoughts guys, it really does help a lot. Farm girl, you make a good point, my wife might be so happy, or confused, or whatever, that she needs to talk about it. And like you said, I woke up rested and ready to go the next day. Doggygirl, good point, my wife certainly deserves some leeway, goodness knows I have put her through hell at times. Mario you are correct, I need to ride it out. Thanks overit, I will have a good gig soon. Stargazerlily, your thoughts were poetic and accurate, and very helpful. Saving grace, thanks.
Hill