Cranky and feeling sorry for myself...

[fennel]

Hi folks...
The high I was experiencing the first couple of weeks AF has disappeared. Yesterday was the worst- all I wanted was to have some wine with the lamb dinner I made. Thinking about never being able to drink again put me into a major funk, to the point where I wondered if moderation might be possible.

Adding to the funk was my disappointment with Allen Carr's "Easy way to quit drinking" book...I really tried to keep an open mind while reading it, but so far, it seems full of stupid analogies and false statements which he repeats chapter after chapter. For example, he compares his laptop computer to the fragile human body and recalls that the first day he had his computer, somebody spilled liquor on the key board, sending the computer to the shop for repairs- and he wondered at how many times had he willingly poured toxic alcohol down his throat? As if pouring a pure, refreshing glass of water or healthy vitamin drink on his keyboard wouldn't have done the same thing...

I'm not finished with the book yet, but I don't have high hopes for the ending.

I'm going to head out to the library to find some more books to occupy my time- having reading material seems crucial to my happiness at this time. Reading takes me out of my head until bedtime- the people at the library must wonder why I'm such a voracious reader all of a sudden, LOL!

Anyway, thanks for listening...I'll try to put on my big-girl pants now.

[Cinders]

Cranky and feeling sorry for myself...

Fennel,

Yes, you hit the crux (sp?) of the issue for most of us.

We do feel like we are missing something, and we are. Initially, most of us enjoyed our glasses of wine or our mixed drinks in true moderation, loving the relaxing warm feeling they gave us.

We want that back.

However, we went way beyond that. Someone like me is so way beyond that that I never have the warm, relaxing feeling and the pure enjoyment of a good glass of wine anymore.

It is chasing that dream that kills us.

We can't have it back. At least I know I can't.

I wish I could but if wishes were pennies, okay in today's market, we wouldn't be rich, but we could at least go on vacation. :H:H

Quite seriously, this is the issue, the road block, the cause of relapse for so many (plus not being able to sleep at first) that takes us back down the horrible road.

So, I have figured out I have to find something else, something positive to have. Everything else pales in comparison, though.

Still struggling, unfortunately, and have been for a long time.

But, I truly understand what you are talking about.

Love,
Cindi

[fennel]

Cranky and feeling sorry for myself...

Cinders;833428 wrote:
Someone like me is so way beyond that that I never have the warm, relaxing feeling and the pure enjoyment of a good glass of wine anymore.

It is chasing that dream that kills us.

We can't have it back.
That's what I'm afraid of...



But, I truly understand what you are talking about.

You know...just hearing somebody else say that somehow makes me feel better, or at least understood in a way that nobody else in my immediate circle can understand. Thanks, Cinders...I know you "get" it.

[dancelot]

Cranky and feeling sorry for myself...

Fennel, we all felt like that. I was stunned by how truly saddened I was at the idea of not drinking again. It felt as bad as when I realized my partner of 18 years was done with me for good (at that time, the sad thing there was the only thing I could keep down was Moosehead beer - food was out of the question).

I try to think that on the positive side, when we start grieving, it means we are ready (or in the process of) letting AL go. Just like in any relationship. AL is such a big part of our lives - sometimes it might have been our only friend (so we felt).

Keep reading, researching, whatever. It helped me to totally focus on dealing with problem. We spend so much time on drinking, planning drinking, recovering from hangovers, and on and on. That's a lot of time to fill. It DOES get easier, but there are these phases, and not all are comfortable. Sometimes you have to ride them out. Remember too, if moderating has not worked before, it probably won't now. Yes, most of us have had the experience of it appearing to work, but if inevitably we go off on a bender, or like me, just keep upping consumption until it's back to or above previous levels, it's unlikely to work long term.

Keep doing what's working, always have a plan or solution at hand, and keep learning. Keep an open mind, and never be afraid to add new tools to your toolbox. I've found I've had to adjust along the way, but I keep the idea of my sobriety first and foremost always. It will get easier, really. Best wishes and take care! :h

[Guest]

Cranky and feeling sorry for myself...

Hi guys,
I can certainly understand why you are feeling like this. Strange but while taking Baclofen, I have not even missed AL or wished that I didnt have to give it up completely. It just seems like the smart thing to do. I am very glad for this sight though because after a few weeks of feeling like you have this beat, its very easy for AL to make you think that you dont have a problem and u can control it now. This site reminds me how one can easily fall back into it's clutches. I know that I can never moderate and I must not ever touch it again. the short term effects are too high a price for destroying ones body and mind.

[NoraC]

Cranky and feeling sorry for myself...

:lHey Fennel - I understand completely. Boy, do I understand. :upset: And I think it's ok to let out a big scream of frustration!!! Throw the stupid book across the room. Stamp your feet. Sit and Cry.

Then take a breath and say "I've got my friends on MWO that understand" and Be sure to keep coming back here & post! We do understand you know. We have our moments too.

Hang in there!!! :l:h

[mollyka]

Cranky and feeling sorry for myself...

Fennel, I haven't posted here for a little while, why. because I'm in exactly the same place as you are, I'm cranky, fed up and NO I don't want one or two glasses of wine, I want to go on a mind-blowing bender. I just want to sit here on my couch with a bottle of vodka and neck it, so when I read your post I'm clinging on by my fingernails, the cliches work lots of the time and like old wives tales, they are all based on truth that's why they survive but I need more, I feel sad, Nora is right, we do have each other here and even tho I haven't been posting I have been lurking and it has helped but not enough! Had such a weak moment yesterday I cried, and then a lovely kind soul from here pm'ed me wondering where I was and it meant Sooooo much, it rescued me ( thanks HC!). So here I am and Nora and Cinders and Hopingforthebest and Dancelot and you and so many other wounded sad souls fighting this bloody hard fight and hopefully winning - I don't know -I'm crying now
Molly

[dancelot]

Cranky and feeling sorry for myself...

Mollyka - :l:l:l

I felt like that around Christmas and came closer than at any time to a relapse (after 5 months AF). And like you guys I didn't want one drink, I wanted the whole friggin' bottle. I was so close to saying screw it, I saw a wine display and felt like filling my basket.

You may have heard of HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired). Well I figured out I was lonely and very angry. I know how hard it is. I had to ride it out, try to figure what had set me off (family obligations, anger towards a family member, Christmas and holidays in general, the fact I am single and spent many years with someone only to be dumped, being unable to move on, probably add in hormonal fluctuations....).

Sometimes it all hits at once, or all our emotions rise at once, or both. That's how I felt. I had run out of supplements, thinking it wasn't as critical since I had some AF time. I went out, got more, made sure I ate good and exercised, added a little more spiritual time (or added it, since I did little or none before). I started looking into AA (I go sometimes), at least they have a lot of good readings if one doesn't want to get involved.

It went away after a week or so. It may just be life hitting us in the face, and we're not used to that without numbing ourselves.

I cried a lot at first, sometimes still do. Anyway, I don't know if any of that helps, but I'm glad you've at least been lurking. We do all understand (even old hard liners like me!). Just this place being here saved me many times my first days here, and I rarely posted. Take care! :h:h:h

[mollyka]

Cranky and feeling sorry for myself...

Thanks Dancelot,
I am 3 months AF and have to say it has seemed relatively easy, maybe too easy. I have had no problem with drink in the house, stored away in a spare bedroom cos my kitchen is being rebuilt, and my husband drinks (moderately), doesn't bother me ----- and then.........on Saturday, husband brought down the remains of an industrial sized bottle of vodka (11/2 ltres) left from Christmas and a bottle of peach schnappes, had one drink and left the bottles in with bottles of sparkling water on the floor in our sitting room (we're camping in sitting room cos of kitchen). I have been looking at that bottle ever since and CRAVE is not strong enough a word, it was the knowledge of how good that amount of vodka would feel and i WANTED THAT SOOOOO BADLY - still do, bottle is gone back upstairs but the feeling is still there 'just a once off, get the buzz, back on straight and narrow tomorrow, nobody need know' - I know the answers and I know I won't but I WANT to

[NoraC]

Cranky and feeling sorry for myself...

Molly - glad you are posting again. :l Hang on.

[JackieClaire]

Cranky and feeling sorry for myself...

Molly,
Around the about Christmas my son was clearing out his bedroom and he found a full litre bottle of vodka in his bedroom. He'd brought it back from Spain in June.
My first thought was 'how on earth have you kept it all that time' and a split second later I wanted to say 'give it here, I'll look after it.' He just looked at me,looked at the bottle and quietly stuck it the bottom of his desk. He knows me too well.
J x
:l

[JackieClaire]

Cranky and feeling sorry for myself...

Fennel,
Sorry didn't answer your questions. The initial high that you felt is quite normal. I think it's sometimes called the 'pink cloud'.
I've basically dumped enough self help books on addictions at my nearest charity shop.

I have a feeling we're now just learning how to live in a normal world where feelings will hit highs and lows and sometimes just plodding along doing what we have to do to survive.

J x
:l

[fennel]

Cranky and feeling sorry for myself...

JackieClaire;833504 wrote: Fennel,
Sorry didn't answer your questions. The initial high that you felt is quite normal. I think it's sometimes called the 'pink cloud'.
I've basically dumped enough self help books on addictions at my nearest charity shop.

I have a feeling we're now just learning how to live in a normal world where feelings will hit highs and lows and sometimes just plodding along doing what we have to do to survive.

J x
:l

My pink cloud evaporated!

I just got back from running errands. While I was out, I picked up a book called "the thinking person's guide to addiction" or something along those lines. I figure I should just keep reading as much about this as I can get my hands on.

I think you're right about learning to get along in the world without A- it's new and it's raw. More sober time should help, I guess. I need to concentrate on the benefits of sobriety- I certainly feel a lot better than physically than I did, plus I've been sleeping like a baby this past week.

[mollyka]

Cranky and feeling sorry for myself...

Thanks Nora, I think I wasn't posting because I may have been afraid I would fail and would want to lie here about it, wow what a messed up head. JC, when all this booze was moved up to the spare bedroom part of the hoard were 2 litre bottles of Jameson whiskey. NOONE in the house ever ever ever touches whiskey except me back in the day - I loved whiskey but I couldn't pour it away, why? Don't know..........or have I a future plan for it? Don't know and a bit like Fennel I am CRANKY so there is no telling me what to do today!!!!
Mollyull

[fennel]

Cranky and feeling sorry for myself...

dancelot;833439 wrote: Fennel, we all felt like that. I was stunned by how truly saddened I was at the idea of not drinking again. It felt as bad as when I realized my partner of 18 years was done with me for good (at that time, the sad thing there was the only thing I could keep down was Moosehead beer - food was out of the question).

I try to think that on the positive side, when we start grieving, it means we are ready (or in the process of) letting AL go. Just like in any relationship. AL is such a big part of our lives - sometimes it might have been our only friend (so we felt).

Keep reading, researching, whatever. It helped me to totally focus on dealing with problem. We spend so much time on drinking, planning drinking, recovering from hangovers, and on and on. That's a lot of time to fill. It DOES get easier, but there are these phases, and not all are comfortable. Sometimes you have to ride them out. Remember too, if moderating has not worked before, it probably won't now. Yes, most of us have had the experience of it appearing to work, but if inevitably we go off on a bender, or like me, just keep upping consumption until it's back to or above previous levels, it's unlikely to work long term.

Keep doing what's working, always have a plan or solution at hand, and keep learning. Keep an open mind, and never be afraid to add new tools to your toolbox. I've found I've had to adjust along the way, but I keep the idea of my sobriety first and foremost always. It will get easier, really. Best wishes and take care! :h

Thanks, dancelot...
I was doing so well, yesterday really was a shock for me. It does feel like a huge loss sometimes. I have so many positive mental images of a having a couple of glasses of wine with friends...truth is, I never stopped at two.

I will continue to educate myself about addiction.