Cranky and feeling sorry for myself...

[fennel]

Cranky and feeling sorry for myself...

Hoping for the best;833448 wrote: Hi guys,
I can certainly understand why you are feeling like this. Strange but while taking Baclofen, I have not even missed AL or wished that I didnt have to give it up completely. It just seems like the smart thing to do. I am very glad for this sight though because after a few weeks of feeling like you have this beat, its very easy for AL to make you think that you dont have a problem and u can control it now. This site reminds me how one can easily fall back into it's clutches. I know that I can never moderate and I must not ever touch it again. the short term effects are too high a price for destroying ones body and mind.

You know...I might just look into Baclofen! I'm going to give Topa a try first, but if that doesn't work, I'll try it. Plus, coming here is really good for my soul.

[fennel]

Cranky and feeling sorry for myself...

NoraC;833458 wrote: :lHey Fennel - I understand completely. Boy, do I understand. :upset: And I think it's ok to let out a big scream of frustration!!! Throw the stupid book across the room. Stamp your feet. Sit and Cry.

Then take a breath and say "I've got my friends on MWO that understand" and Be sure to keep coming back here & post! We do understand you know. We have our moments too.

Hang in there!!! :l:h

Thanks, Nora. I'm glad you all know how it goes. Oddly, I'm just feeling kind of blank right now, which is a huge relief. I know I'll get through this o.k.

[fennel]

Cranky and feeling sorry for myself...

mollyka;833472 wrote: Fennel, I haven't posted here for a little while, why. because I'm in exactly the same place as you are, I'm cranky, fed up and NO I don't want one or two glasses of wine, I want to go on a mind-blowing bender. I just want to sit here on my couch with a bottle of vodka and neck it, so when I read your post I'm clinging on by my fingernails, the cliches work lots of the time and like old wives tales, they are all based on truth that's why they survive but I need more, I feel sad, Nora is right, we do have each other here and even tho I haven't been posting I have been lurking and it has helped but not enough! Had such a weak moment yesterday I cried, and then a lovely kind soul from here pm'ed me wondering where I was and it meant Sooooo much, it rescued me ( thanks HC!). So here I am and Nora and Cinders and Hopingforthebest and Dancelot and you and so many other wounded sad souls fighting this bloody hard fight and hopefully winning - I don't know -I'm crying now
Molly

I cried yesterday. I went for a walk with my partner and told her how awful I was feeling and I just started bawling. Normally, I cry about as often as the average construction worker- that's what kind of power this addiction has over me.

Hang in there, Molly...we all know how bad this sucks. The people here are amazing, aren't they? :l

[sidney]

Cranky and feeling sorry for myself...

I am so there with you. I was cranky on the weekend at the cottage because everyone else could drink but me. I have been AF for more than 7 months now. I know I can't have one. My husband still drinks and my house is full of alcohol but for some reason it seems unfair when I am up north on the deck. Didn't know about the pink cloud but I certainly felt that the first couple of months they were almost easy I felt so happy because physically felt so wonderful. However, I will just have to learn some better coping skills for the summer where people seem to party more around me. Anyone had this situation? I know keep busy! I also have no internet at the cottage no MWO!

[sick of being sick]

Cranky and feeling sorry for myself...

Fennel, I am so sorry you feel the way you do. Is it the season or what, because I feel the exact same way! I've been so depressed this weekend, feeling lonely and isolated. Yesterday I sat on the patio crying wondering how can I feel so high on life and then bam, I feel so incredibly low. I thought it was just me with the extreme highs and lows. I thought I was just really screwed up! Why can't there be a middle stable ground instead of all or nothing, black or white, fantastic or horrible. Yesterday was my one month AF and I could have drank a gallon of vodka straight! Glad I didn't though. I know this is going to get easier. If I didn't believe that, I would go get so freaking drunk! But then I'd be sick, feeling like crap for 3 days and all depressed and hate myself. The 2 choices don't look very encouraging, but we have to go by the fact that others here did it and they feel so much stronger and happier. Just hang in there, honey, we'll get through it!

[mollyka]

Cranky and feeling sorry for myself...

Wow Sidney, you still feel like that after so long?! Yes I think that the obvious changes in the first couple of months - physical, emotional, financial and so on probably do keep it interesting and dare I say....easier but now there don't seem to be any obvious advantages unless you actually sit down and list them out in your head! I can't even THINK about summer time, gardens, barbeques, parties, warmth, thirst, wine.............................................. ...............AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGG GGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
Fennel, the people here ARE amazing, I reckon you lot have saved me today.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart
Molly

[Doggygirl]

Cranky and feeling sorry for myself...

fennel;833424 wrote: Hi folks...
The high I was experiencing the first couple of weeks AF has disappeared. Yesterday was the worst- all I wanted was to have some wine with the lamb dinner I made. Thinking about never being able to drink again put me into a major funk, to the point where I wondered if moderation might be possible.

Hi Fennel. I can totally understand where you are coming from. I was on the "pink cloud" for 60 days starting 7 /11/2007. Then I had a day a bit like the one you had yesterday. It was a really beautiful dog training day. When training is over, many of the participants hang out on the porch and have a beer. I LONGGGGGed to be part of that. I had that thought that surely, moderation is now possible. I acted on it. What a mistake. I set myself up for 8 months of hell trying to get my ass back on the wagon.

That story is not intended to make you feel worse than you already do. It's just to interject some reality (at least it was my reality) of where acting on that thought might get you.

Cinders;833428 wrote: We can't have it back. At least I know I can't.


I can't either Cindi. I can't either. There is hope for all of us though. I no longer long for that. And I sure used to. If I can, you can.

fennel;833517 wrote: My pink cloud evaporated!

I...... need to concentrate on the benefits of sobriety- I certainly feel a lot better than physically than I did, plus I've been sleeping like a baby this past week.

Concentrating on the benefits is good. As part of my AA work I keep a running gratitude list. It really does help me to whip that baby out whenever I'm feeling sorry for myself. Smart Recovery also has a writing exercise they call the CBA (Cost Benefit Analysis) in that program, it's suggested to keep that list handy. I mention this to confirm that in general, it seems there is somthing to the business of staying focused on the benefits if both of these programs have this component.

fennel;833526 wrote: I cried yesterday. I went for a walk with my partner and told her how awful I was feeling and I just started bawling. Normally, I cry about as often as the average construction worker- that's what kind of power this addiction has over me.

For me, a big part of this journey has been about FEELING emotions and expressing them instead of hiding them and burying them with AL. All people experience highs and lows in their lives all the time. Us alkies just never learned how to deal with the ups and downs of life. We only learned to drink at the first sign of high OR low. (or at least I drank through every extreme and all the stuff in the middle) I never learned how to actually FACE stuff. I'm glad you cried. I hope you feel good about it in some way. We have to start somewhere to learn what lots of other people already know about emotions.

:l Hang in there. It will get better. One thing is for sure. Drinking won't help.

DG

[fennel]

Cranky and feeling sorry for myself...

sick of being sick;833551 wrote: Fennel, I am so sorry you feel the way you do. Is it the season or what, because I feel the exact same way! I've been so depressed this weekend, feeling lonely and isolated. Yesterday I sat on the patio crying wondering how can I feel so high on life and then bam, I feel so incredibly low. I thought it was just me with the extreme highs and lows. I thought I was just really screwed up! Why can't there be a middle stable ground instead of all or nothing, black or white, fantastic or horrible.!

I have been experiencing mood swings, too. To the point where I feel there's something "wrong" with me sometimes, although I know it's because I'm having to deal with life sober. So, it's not just you! You're right though...we'll get through this...:l

[fennel]

Cranky and feeling sorry for myself...

Doggygirl;833556 wrote: Hi Fennel. I can totally understand where you are coming from. I was on the "pink cloud" for 60 days starting 7 /11/2007. Then I had a day a bit like the one you had yesterday. It was a really beautiful dog training day. When training is over, many of the participants hang out on the porch and have a beer. I LONGGGGGed to be part of that. I had that thought that surely, moderation is now possible. I acted on it. What a mistake. I set myself up for 8 months of hell trying to get my ass back on the wagon.

That story is not intended to make you feel worse than you already do. It's just to interject some reality (at least it was my reality) of where acting on that thought might get you.



I can't either Cindi. I can't either. There is hope for all of us though. I no longer long for that. And I sure used to. If I can, you can.



Concentrating on the benefits is good. As part of my AA work I keep a running gratitude list. It really does help me to whip that baby out whenever I'm feeling sorry for myself. Smart Recovery also has a writing exercise they call the CBA (Cost Benefit Analysis) in that program, it's suggested to keep that list handy. I mention this to confirm that in general, it seems there is somthing to the business of staying focused on the benefits if both of these programs have this component.



For me, a big part of this journey has been about FEELING emotions and expressing them instead of hiding them and burying them with AL. All people experience highs and lows in their lives all the time. Us alkies just never learned how to deal with the ups and downs of life. We only learned to drink at the first sign of high OR low. (or at least I drank through every extreme and all the stuff in the middle) I never learned how to actually FACE stuff. I'm glad you cried. I hope you feel good about it in some way. We have to start somewhere to learn what lots of other people already know about emotions.

:l Hang in there. It will get better. One thing is for sure. Drinking won't help.

DG

Thanks, DG...I know drinking won't make it better. Or, it might seem better for a few hours, but then the harsh light of dawn appears, along with the self-loathing.

[fennel]

Cranky and feeling sorry for myself...

I'm doing way better today, thanks to you all. I turned in early last night and continued reading recovery books. There are a lot of case histories in the particular book I'm reading. One of recovering people in the book mentions the fact that alcohol keeps us from "feeling", essentially echoing what Doggygirl said.

This was a huge revelation for me. I've always acknowledged that I'm a deep "feeler". Pieces of beautiful poetry, certain paintings, beautiful music, all those things have been able to move me to tears in the past. I've experienced emotions that I can't name, and I don't think names for them exist in this language. My range of emotional depth has been a curse and a blessing, and one of those things that makes me who I am. Now, I'm sad that I've been squelching this part of me, and hopeful that I can regain it.

[sick of being sick]

Cranky and feeling sorry for myself...

Fennel, I am so glad you are feeling better. It is true coming here is so good for your soul. I couldn't make it a day without the dose of love and encouragement I get from here. I so relate to everything you have said and I am right there with you. It makes me feel better that others feel the same way and that I am not just a screwd up person! Molly, hang on girlfriend, you do have wonderful caring friends here! Each one of you sharing your feelings and knowledge helps me so much! Sidney, I can relate to you, too. I don't know how I will make it this summer, either. My brother always wants us to go out on his boat with him, which has always been so much fun for me, but it involves taking the boat to the bar, listening to live music all day while they bring your drinks to the boat for you! I know the smart thing would be just not to go, but I love my brother and spending time with him so much! Doggygirl, I have learned that after a month of being sober, I am experiencing painful memories and feelings that I never dealt with and honestly, I don't know how to deal with or cope. All I can do is cry and feel sorry for myself. I have realized that I cannot earn anyone's love, even though I desperately try, I never succeed. Everything that is wrong with everyone is my fault somehow and I desperately try to fix it or try to please everyone else, but again, I fail. Everything is all or nothing for me, no middle ground. I'm extremely high or 6' under! I feel like I've been struggling all my life to just be loved and everyone to be happy, but again I failed. I feel it is all my fault that my husband drinks. I am so hard to live with. My health is so bad, he is scared to leave me alone. I'm the reason my parents are acoholics, because I caused them so much financial and emotional problems growing up. I have no coping skills, whatsoever! Where and how do I learn those? Thank you all for being my friend and for your encouragement and providing me a safe place to share my feelings! Love you, Vicki

[sidney]

Cranky and feeling sorry for myself...

I drank for more than 35 years so I know there isn't magic bullet that is going to make me wake up and never want to drink again. Places and feelings may make me want to have a drink no matter how long I remain sober. But I am determined that I am not going to drink. Because I have such a better life. And cranky passes. It is just harder for me in the summer.

[Doggygirl]

Cranky and feeling sorry for myself...

Fennel, I am so glad you are feeling better today! Yes - finding those deep feelings that we have buried and hidden for so long is quite a process, and a bit scary at times.

I have lived so much of my life in the "extreme" zones. Extremely happy and excited on one end, and depressed - in the end even suicidal on the other. It is a lot of work for me to find contentment and peace somewhere in the middle with fewer highs and lows but more satisfaction overall with life.

SOS, what you are describing sounds like what I have heard about being a "pleaser" personality type. One lady I go to AA with describes the way she used to be - her moods and attitudes would be heavily influenced by whether she was getting approval from those around her. So she would always be active trying to please others, and then she would feel shattered when it didn't work.

I think that all we can try to do in life is the next right thing. Try to lead a life based on decent principles, and then let the chips fall where they may. The more I have tried to implement this concept in my own life, the more serenity I have been able to achieve.

This comes to mind again - sorry for the repeat of another recent post!

Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change,
The courage to change the one I can,
And the wisdom to know it's me.

:l to you both (and anyone else who wants a :l today!)
DG

[dancelot]

Cranky and feeling sorry for myself...

Doggygirl;833954 wrote:
Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change,
The courage to change the one I can,
And the wisdom to know it's me.
DG

Great quote, DG! I need to keep that version in mind as well as the original!

[Doggygirl]

Cranky and feeling sorry for myself...

dancelot;833957 wrote: Great quote, DG! I need to keep that version in mind as well as the original!

Yes - I saw that in someone's signature line at a low carb dieting forum and immediately copied it and printed it out! :H It's TRUE TRUE TRUE for me. I keep a print out in my Big Book and only really important stuff goes in there.

DG