Being part of society..

[KatieB]

I have mentioned society before.. and my feeling I don't belong.. this is one of the main reasons why I had (have?) a drinking problem, why I enjoyed getting drunk; so I could forget society's "rules" and just "be myself" (but I was not myself really.. just a loud, rowdier version!)..
I have always felt like the "odd one out".. anyone heard of the saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride?" - well, I have always been the acquitance (sp?), never the friend.. it seems I was either not born with the tools, or never learnt them properly, of how to "fit in" with people.. practically all my friendships and relationships with people have "failed" - something's gone wrong along the way.. so I used to drink to deal with my lack of social skills.. I did not know what was wrong with me! it's only now, in therapy that I am starting to realise that there was nothing wrong with me, but my low self-esteem giving off "signals" to people, or my acting in a way due to these issues would lead to confrontation and thus a doomed friendship.. does anyone have any thoughts on this? I want to improve, and be able to keep friends - I have never had a problem making them, its keeping them.. like i said, its like I never learnt the rules as to what you have to do to be a good friend and have someone like you..

[akgirl]

Being part of society..

My son has very similar problems...have you researched Aspergers? There is some amazing info and tools. You are not alone. PM me anytime


Hugs to you

[KatieB]

Being part of society..

Thank you akgirl,

I don't think I have a "syndrome" though.. as I had no issues until my step-dad came into my life and started verbally and physically abusing me.. I think it comes down to lack of parental love, and no self-esteem.. but thank you for your reply.. when confident (i.e with AL in my system) I had no problems interacting with people.. i think my main problem is confidence in myself.. i was wondering if anyone can come up with any tools as to how i can fix this.. i know therapy is the way, but i also wondered what people on here thought..

[Bright_new_day]

Being part of society..

I don't give out advice often, so this is flippant and just a concept. One thing i know about being a drunk is that part and parcel of the condition (or addictive behaviour) is to seperate myself from others. The thing about this is many years ago i pushed everyone out of my life and went overseas... All my family and son included. I was quite content travelling and drinking, never staying long enough to create a lasting friendship or any level of responsibility. In the end i pegged it down to the bottle wantng to keep me alone if that makes any sence. If there is noone to care, then i could do what i wanted without somone trying to rain on my parade or judge me.... That feeling of superiority when i was alone was a figment of my imagination. Slowly through the years i built those friendships and family relationships back up again. But i am allways aware not to tell people to FO, without a damn good reason. .. We are all different so what do i know eh...Chin up. There are some top folk out there.

[KatieB]

Being part of society..

Thanks Brightnewday,

I guess you are right - due to my negative experiences in the past with people growing up (being bullied etc..) it did kind of taint my future interactions with people - i am very sensitive and it was my protective shield to rebuff future people.. but you are right, there are some lovely people out there... so I need to put my optimistic hat on, and be more positive with people.. I am a long way off, but am working on myself so I can socialise and be "normal" with people sober..

[Stargazerlily]

Being part of society..

I think finding friends is hard. Real friends, people you can count on. My mom told me that if you have five real friends in your whole life you are lucky, and I have always believed that. I have many acquaintances, people I talk to at work, neighbors, etc. But friends, just a few. It takes time to make friends, time and experiences shared. Right know KB, you sound like you are in a transition period, going through a breakup, and a divorce is just having to basically rebuild your entire life, right?

So, be patient. Find something you like to do, and your son's social life could be an opportunity to make friends with other moms. That's how I made a lifelong friend when my kids were little. Another Mom. I wish I had joined a church that valued motherhood when my kids were little. I joined when they were teens, due to my daughter liking the church. Began to go to their Wednesday night gatherings and joined a Women's bible study. I know it sounds boring, but it wasn't. It was interesting, we read books and talked about our lives. I did not agree with or believe exactly as some, but so what. For the most part, it was fun and meaningful. I wish I had that now. Just an idea. I don't know what you are into as far as interests go.

It sounds tough because you do not have your family, and I am sorry about that. Being bullied affects your perception of the world,and it takes alot of time and therapy to heal from that type of abuse. Because being bullied is like being in a war zone. So, be patient with yourself and know that as a start, you have made friends on MWO. I think you are interesting and always read your posts. So PM me anytime. Sending you strength and hope.:h

[KatieB]

Being part of society..

Thank you stargazerlily for your reply,

You are right, I am rebuilding my life, and I need to be patient with the process.. plus moving constantly is not good to keep friends either - I was an RAF kid - always moving around, so I don't think I have ever got that out of my system! I need to establish some "roots" somewhere..
I was thinking of taking my son to a church playgroup.. as even though I am not really a "believer" in the strict sense of the word (I like to keep my mind open though) - church people are often the nicest people, non-judgemental and caring.. I think that would be good for me and my son.. they don't open again until the children's easter holidays are over, but I have a phone number I will call..
I do have one good friend here - but I am scared I may lose her - or she will find me too dependent as I don't really have any other friends - but I am being careful and not calling her all the time or anything - just once a week..
I will just keep up the therapy, and look into that playgroup.. I have my son, and he is the most important person to me in the world.. I know I will be ok.. I just have to be patient,
thanks again,
Katie xx
p.s just read your signature - I remember you now being redhibiscus!

[spuddleduck]

Being part of society..

katieb, sorry you feel down on yourself. self esteem issues are so hard to deal with and its so easy to turn to drink. i think its mostly our perception of ourselves rather than what people actually think of us. sorry i cant really offer any advice but i do know for me that drinking made me feel worse. im feeling more worthy everyday i dont drink.

[OverIt2007]

Being part of society..

Hi Katie,

Im running late for work, but I just wanted to add this quickly.

As I began to get sober, I realized that it was the alcohol that was keeping me from connecting with society. Because of my hiding and shame, I felt like I was the outcast and inferior to everyone else. I could never look people in the eyes or carry on too long of conversations with anyone because I just felt like "less than" or not on an equal level because of all the shame I hid inside.

As I got sober, my confidence has grown!!! And I am just beginning really. I have not been sober that long, but the changes have occurred quickly. I no longer feel "less than" I feel on an equal level because all of the shame has gone. Im a little proud of myself for making the changes I have.

As far as society goes, I see it like this. We are all Gods children. Nobody is better than anyone else. I dont care how much money, social status, or good anyone may think they are. Thats how I see it now, but never did before.

[changemylife]

Being part of society..

So much of this mentioned I am going through. I finally made the call today to see a psychiatrist. Unfortunately I had to leave a message. I never thought i had any of these issues. I never thought I had problems with self esteem, but now thinking about it I guess I do. Especially in business, I never feel equal to others, I always feel like a kid.

Being sober helps so much. Drinking always allowed me to be closer to the true me. Problem is it was a damaging way of doing it.

Dr office just called, appointment over a month away. Time to find a new one that can accept earlier.

I dont have any good friends either because I cant tell them my inner feelings. I recently opened up to someone, the only person who knows the true me. It just came crashing down because she had other obligations to deal with. She is now trying to be friends with me and i can not to it. It hurts too much but that may change.

I carry around so much anger, So many grudges, I need to learn to forgive myself first, them i can forgive others.

Ill stop rambling now, Katie, I understand what you are saying, I have been pushing everyone away for so long. I think i am ready to try and come back.

[gyco]

Being part of society..

hi katie i beleive most people with an addiction feel the same as you,,many say were odd,not at all, a greater percentage of society, have an addiction and are not even aware of it,not just alchoholism or drug addiction, "Life" the people that critisize are the ones that usually have low asteem,we just have to be the unfortunates that listen,and if were half in the bag,makes what they say even worse,for us,most of us are very aware of our problem,until a person with an addiction,rids himself of the substance that is being abused,nothing will get accomplised, its like being under an anastetic,not much you can do,until it wares off,being an alchoholic or a drug addict is being a misfit,ive been both sides of the fence,imstill in a debate,hope it helps,gyco

[mollyka]

Being part of society..

Katie, yet again I identify with so much you say. I'm wondering about bullying? I was bullied relentlessly in boarding school from the age of 8 till I was about 13. Being girls it wasn't physical but verbal and emotional. In later life my sisters too have bullied me and I let it happen..........again. You mention you were bullied - I reckon that it strips a person bare, self-esteem goes out the window, replaced by alcohol - the crutch? Just a thought
Molly

[Doggygirl]

Being part of society..

Hi KatieB. You are definitely not alone with the "odd person out" type of feelings. This is a very common theme in what I have seen people describe around here over the years, and is also a very common theme in AA when people talk about their drinking history and some of the feelings that drove the drinking. Many of the stories in the Big Book begin with people describing generally what you just did. And most of those stories are "old" so this is something that has been going on for a very long time. I also think there is a bit of "chicken, egg, which came first?" to the problem. It seems that whether the odd feelings and relationship difficulties came first, or the drinking came first, many of us end up in the same place.

I can only speak for myself. It has been a long process to re-learn how to BE a friend which is the first step IMO in HAVING a friend. I have to learn to trust other people. I have to behave as a trustworthy person. I have to keep expectations in check and to realize that other people have their own ideas about how things are.....the world doesn't operate around my opinions and desires. I spent a lot of years as a "taker" and a drinker. I'm learning how to be a sober giver expecting nothing in return. This is very new for me and will take awhile to get used to it.

In the mean time, I look around and new relationships that may turn into longer term friendships are sprouting up all around me. I'm learning how to care about other things than the next drink.

I wish you the best in your journey. You are not alone.

DG

[KatieB]

Being part of society..

Thank you all,

With me, I know the low self-esteem came first.. my step-dad started verbally and physically abusing me when I was 9, I got bullied at school from the ages of 9 also - 14 years.. and my sister and step-dad continued to do so until I was 17 - all before I had even touched AL.. I started abusing AL when I was 18, but just binged.. it became a really heavy problem when I got to around 27.. that's when I realised that I had a serious problem, not just with AL but with my low self-esteem; since I tried to commit suicide so many times.. I finally got help - but nothing worked until I had my son.. the real motivator behind my wanting to change..
Thank you all again for your responses.. I know hiding behind AL is the not the way to live.. I have to learn to like and love myself.. only being AF can do that..
Katie xxx

[Trish]

Being part of society..

This may sound silly. This was offered as a suggestion. Once each day look in the mirror & tell yourself you are beautiful, you are worthy, you are competent, you are lovable. I finally wrote this with bright lipstick on our bathroom mirror. It helped, as I'm too lazy & too unbelieving in self. The abuses, abandonment & rejection from my past, is slowing melting away. I've found by doing this, my self defense mechanisms, can change into knowing I'm safe. I'm more than a survivor. I don't have to live in fear that I'm unlovable. It's OK to trust. This has been very hard letting somebody in. As fear is described as losing something you love, or not getting something you want. I have to practice & keep practicing these affirmations, which are naturally foreign to me.