Ack!

[sunshine_gg]

Well, after months and months of sobriety, I (again) decided that perhaps I CAN drink 'just a little'. Yup, I can. When in a social situation, I indeed can have ONE drink and be good with that. Well done, young grasshopper.

But... something happens in my head. Suddenly buying a bottle of wine for 'at home' is ok. And you know what? That bottle doesn't see a second day. So, essentially, I'm right back where I started.

Doggygirl has said it so many times... but I just can't seem to wrap MY head around it... "I can never SAFELY drink". The 'surrender' or 'acceptance' of that STILL eludes me I can be sober, and quite happily so... but there is still something missing. That acceptance is missing. It may be there in the short term (more a result of regret or whatnot) but not there all the way.

How do I get there? Do I really have to 'come out' and seek counseling or something? Is that even going to get me there? Or does it truly have to come from within?

Ack! But, I've already said that.

[mario]

Ack!

what can i say sunshine gg that you havent said,and it is down to acceptance,hope you get back on track soon.

[JackieClaire]

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Hope you're back on track soon,GG.
You were such a help to me in my early days AF.
J x
:l

[someone_else]

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Hi Sunshine,

I'm so glad you posted this. Thank you for your honesty and courage. It is helping me with my thought process of clinging to the idea of being able to drink socially, occasionally...because I have been there, too, where it's like, oh, it's ok to drink at home now, because I've proven I can handle it, and it progresses from there. It sucks, but that's what seems to happen. It's such a hard thing to accept!

I suspect that true healing does have to come from within.

Hugs :l

[sunshine_gg]

Ack!

Thanks Mario and Jackie I'm not really 'off track'. I will never go back to where I was 2 years ago. I know how to 'not drink'. That's the easy part. The physical part. It's the mental games, the 'testing' that I don't get. How many times, how much proof do I really need before I can get to that place of acceptance?

Someone, it sounds like you know exactly what I'm talking about It does suck, doesn't it? All the best to you - let me know how you make out, will you?

Well, it looks like I'll have to stick around for a bit and get my head straight again.

[mama bear]

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Dang Sunshine.......I knew this was gonna be hard...but hard forever????
Hang in there girl......

[JackieClaire]

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It's hard to explain,Sunshine. My mindset is so different now. It's truly a good feeling to be able to let go of that thought of the 1st drink. A light bulb moment,perhaps.
J x
:l

[mario]

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sunshine gg, we all get our :click: unfortunately for me it did take a while (years)before i accepted that i cant drink,that it does nothing good for me,You will have to wait to get yours to,just hope its not to long away as its a tremendous feeling and sets you free.:-)

[sunshine_gg]

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MamaBear, I just read your recent thread.... :l

You hang in there... things WILL look up again.
I was also hoping this was a 'do it and be done with it' thing... but it is not.

It is a journey and it does involve some inward work. Left to my own devices, I evade some of the more difficult questions, I think. I have not found a 'reason' or event, or even trigger that sets me off. Mind you, I'm not sure it is that important or if there even IS a one line answer.

Fact is, although I managed months of AF time, my head still isn't where it's ought to be. So, I need to do something different. Perhaps I should take a look at AA. Just typing this I shudder. God, that would really make it official then, wouldn't it? *shudder*

[dancelot]

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sunshine_gg;835576 wrote: Thanks Mario and Jackie I'm not really 'off track'. I will never go back to where I was 2 years ago. I know how to 'not drink'. That's the easy part. The physical part. It's the mental games, the 'testing' that I don't get. How many times, how much proof do I really need before I can get to that place of acceptance?

Someone, it sounds like you know exactly what I'm talking about It does suck, doesn't it? All the best to you - let me know how you make out, will you?

Well, it looks like I'll have to stick around for a bit and get my head straight again.

Yup. I'm assuming you're AF again, right? If not, you're not "on track". Just so you're not kidding yourself. It's very a fine line between between "not that bad" and "that bad".

I would closely at why you thought this (or rather why you acted on it - that's the only part that really has consequences). I would suggest looking into counseling. My first instinct is get thee to an AA meeting. I say this because - guess what? I bet you will meet your twin sister you were separated at birth from. The point being, "they" are us, and I guarantee you everyone in that room has done what you did. Plus most of them are Type A, success driven control freaks who just know better than anyone how to control their drinking like they did the rest of their world. Sometimes seeing is believing, whether one chooses that as an ongoing way of life or not. Or check out the AA thread in monthly abs - anyone there can answer questions. Also as a footnote, AA is way less judgemental than I am, so have no fears on that count.

I personally had to hit bottom, as in, this is the rest of my life, it's miserable, and it could kill me any day now. Then I accepted it. It still took 5 months to use the word "alcoholic" to describe myself. So even then, I think I was holding a tiny bit of hope (and nearly relapsed).

There's a saying it's like an elevator going down, but we can choose to get off at any floor before the basement, if we don't want to go all the way down.

Mama Bear, don't be discouraged - it is not that bad all the time. We just have to be vigilant when these urges, thoughts we are "OK, just this time" come up, and never act on them. Something else I've heard a lot in AA is people relapsing around or just after 3, 6, 9 months, one year, etc. They usually decide it's OK "this time" for that one drink. Even people with years sobriety. I actually used to believe if you were able to stop at all you were not an alcoholic. I felt a huge relief when my father quit, because it meant he wasn't really an alcoholic, therefore I wasn't one either. Never mind the only reason he quit was he nearly died from internal bleeding that was coming out both ends. To me it meant he and I were not alkies, not that he'd maybe looked death in the face, and made the choice based on that.

Anyway, Sunshine, I hope you figure it out - meanwhile you get to lead the Musketeer pack mule for awhile. And I'm gonna whack ya with my dressage whip if I see your attention wandering. Take care. :h

[sunshine_gg]

Ack!

:H Dance!

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me!?

Yep, I'm AF again. What I mean by not 'off track' is that I KNOW what happened... that even though I didn't drink as MUCH as I used to, as often, or made an ass of myself... this is not me being in control... that this is me giving away my control. That, I'm not hugely resentful towards myself, have absolutely NO desire to repeat any time soon and just 'know better'. If that makes any sense.

I'm not one bit in denial in terms of being able to 'handle it'. Handle a social function... that one social function - yep, I can do that. But inevitably, that takes me to buying/drinking alone. And that's not OK. Even though, nobody is around, nobody knows it. I do. So, when looking at the big picture - no, I cannot 'handle IT'. It being AL.

I don't really see this as a relapse. It would be if I continued on. I am not. I do NOT want that 'non-life' back. I have too many good and fun things to attend to. But, just in case, keep that whip handy and ready!

Oh.. and I SO know what you're saying about 'not really being an alcoholic'. Do I ever. I have never yet stated that I am an alcoholic. I detest that word. To me it means failure, weakness, and whatever other negative meanings I can come up with.

Anyhow, I know what to (not) do... I just may have to go about it a different way.

Thanks to all of you, for being here and providing a safe place to vent, muse, learn, and decide.

[dancelot]

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Good deal, Sunshine! Just checking - you know how our warped little minds little to warp, twist, etc, further!

[mama bear]

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Dance and Sunshine and JC
Beautifully written.....you have both given me alot to think about
I have never been very good at self control, but then again I have never had to face a demon that could kill me and make me lose everything that mattered to me....
thanks for your words....

[AAthlete]

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sunshine_gg;835609 wrote:
Oh.. and I SO know what you're saying about 'not really being an alcoholic'. Do I ever. I have never yet stated that I am an alcoholic. I detest that word. To me it means failure, weakness, and whatever other negative meanings I can come up with.

GG, in all honesty, admitting I was an alcoholic was what got me in a position to accept never being able to drink again. Sounds like you are telling yourself that you are a failure and are weak if you can't drink like normal people... But guess what, how many times have you proven that true? Funny how we can accept so many other things in life, yet this one we cannot (although I spend nine years trying).

[Guitarista]

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Hiya Sunnybutt,
Good to hear you're back on the mule. I use the term problem drinker for myself. And I can't argue with that!

Now, get cracking! :b&d:.............;-)