Ack!

[sunshine_gg]

Ack!

Damn AA... I wish I could argue that! Of course, I can't. Yep, tried, tested, proven many times over... I cannot drink. Not 'normally'. Not like other people.

I also prefer a term like 'problem drinker' (anything really, other than Alcoholic) - and perhaps this is where the lack of acceptance resides?

Still, I cringe and don't think I can bring myself to label myself as such. And yes, I suppose I do look at myself as weak, etc... I should have known better. My dad (dry for well over 20 years now) was an alkie who almost drank himself to death. It bothers me to no end that I ended up in the same predicament - KNOWING all that I knew.

Guitarista... this ain't no mule... this is a proud steed! Sheesh.

[Lavande]

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My old friend Sunni,

Been thinking about you & wondering what you were doing!

You know what finally got me to accept the fact that drinking is no longer an option - my grandson.
If it hadn't been for him, I'd still be the same, miserable & hungover person I was when I first arrived here!
Now you have a good reason coming soon to help you accept the reality - we just can't drink!

Stick with us now. I think it helps a lot to be reminded everyday that we are not alone in this situation.
I am so happy I decided to remain AF - there will be no testing for me

Fly back to the Nest if you haven't already!!!

Lav

[LVT25]

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I think I can relate. I'm still not totally comfortable in my AF skin, but I don't really have a burning desire to test the waters I guess. In the back of my mind I think I could...but I'd probably be kidding myself just like a lot of others I see posting on mwo. I have been to counseling, just trying to figure out who I really am, and what I really want. I do know what I don't want--and that is what I was when I was drinking and smoking. And the easiest way to avoid that is to not drink.
I don't like the word alcoholic either. I guess because there are so many definitions there. I abused alcohol, but it wasn't that hard to quit once I got honest.
Something I realized is that when I was still drinking I had tons of regrets almost every day. But I don't really have any regrets about quitting.
I think what keeps me honest and sober. This place. The connection we have on monthly abs. Come back to us daily. Sober life is better.:l:h

[runningwind]

Ack!

I know this is corney but maybe writing a letter to a good friend gone bad may help. I 'am thinking of doing this myself. Who knows, maybe we will find the answers (or at least some), within our written thoughts. Thanks for being so honest, I wish you the best!

runningwind

[CatsMeow]

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Good evening to you all. This is my first post. I just discovered your site two days ago while soul searching and spring cleaning. I wanted to respond after reading the lady's post about her backslide. Let me tell you a little about me and why I'm here. I have drank all my life (now a middle-ager) off and on and to extreme when I knew I shouldn't. It took becomming a mother to become a truly sober, clear thinking adult. I actually stopped cold turkey when my son started little league sports and would continue in sports for the next ten years. I did not slip up, even once. I thought it to be divine intervention. However, I knew it was love. And the fact that I never wanted anyone to say that I had caused the harm of their child (I was driving kids to sports a lot) because I had even one glass of wine. It was the happiest time of my life and I would give anything to have just one of those days back, even the cold, snowy, December, miserable winter days when the parents aimed their cars' headlights to the field so the kids could continue the game/practice!!! Well, time passes, and my child moved out on his own -- a very productive, nice, kind, young man. I soon moved out of the large rental we shared to a smaller place I could buy. Empty nest. Well, the very day I moved to my new place and was no longer responsible for others, I began to drink wine again -- just like that. It's been about six years and I have quit off and on (I coined the phrase that I was a "binge quitter") even did the South Beach diet -- two weeks without -- no problem. Have had months at a time -- no problem. Then all of a sudden I found myself drinking from the time I got off work until I went to sleep (nice way to put it). I never thought I had a problem. I've never missed work, driven while I've drank, etc., etc. But I noticed I didn't look as nice as I once thought for someone my age and noticed I felt bad, a lot, after the night before (drinking). I have moderated my drinking off and on but again, it seemed to be catching up with me more and more. I never thought I would be at the place where I found myself polishing off a 1.5 litter bottle of wine on one weekend day. Work nights I was ok, only finishing half that much, sometimes only 1/3 of the bottle. Then on 4/6/10 I had some kind of shift in my thinking. Can't explain it - but I wanted more out of life and didn't want to end up like one of the people I have seen on those addiction shows. It literally mortified me that the person I was watching could be me some day. I don't know if moderation will work for me or if complete abstinence will be the answer. I only know it's been four days without any trace of alcohol and I've slept better and felt better. I am keeping myself busy cleaning house, cooking, bathing, sleeping, reading, etc. One thing I know and wish I could bottle was the strentgh to be a better person that being a mother gave me. I wonder if there are others in this community that also experience this "loss" and started heavy drinking. I wonder if there is a clue somewhere in there that would help all of us to control this substance taking over when once it was a pleasurable addition to life. Regards, CatsMeow

[Stargazerlily]

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Sunshinegg, so happy that you decided to come back when you needed to. Having time AF really is a gift, because the realization that your life AF is so much better gives you the strength you need to stay AF.

I too can go to an event and have one or two drinks. That is not a problem, but it sets up the cravings, the need and desire to have just one. ONe bottle at home, not just one drink. And that his where the insanity lies for me.

AA is a wonderful lifesaving program. In the past I went to meetings and learned alot, but it just wasn't for me. I know that there are many who quit without AA and many who need and want what they have to offer. Also, many die because they can't quit drinking. So, for me, whatever it takes to stay AF.

You have started a great thread!!

[sunshine_gg]

Ack!

Good morning, you all As always, you are, and this is, a gift, a place of comfort. Thank you

Welcome CatsMeow! So glad you've found us. Why don't you start your own thread so people can get to know you? Also, jump on into the Newbie's Nest if you feel up to it

Lav, my dear, you've always had the most amazing resolve! So do I (at times) but it just doesn't seem to stick as well as yours. Perhaps, you're right and my soon to be here grandson will send me the 'click' I need

Running, thank you for that suggestion. I think I may try it. It's been a long time since I've made up a mental list of pros/cons, etc. Life got so busy there for a while that I suppose I forgot about the little, but important things I need to do to keep myself in check.

LVT, I like what you said :"I know what I don't want." Yes, that's how I feel as well. Which is why I'm here again. My 'backslide' was 2 bottles of wine within a week and a half. First time could be seen as an indiscretion. 2nd time - no, that's where it has to stop. That's exactly what I DON'T want.

Stargazer, you're right, any AF time is a gift. I've had about 8 months of it and while life still threw some curve balls, it was manageable, and certainly a whole lot better than fumbling through it in a haze. I suspect, that eventually I will check out an AA meeting. Of course, here (in a VERY small community) you only have one group and the thought of 'coming out' just scares the crap out of me. I'm a successful business woman, I'm just starting to acquire more local clientele here and would really prefer to be seen as such - instead of an alkie

[caysea]

Ack!

Hi All
Sheri you have the same mind set i use. It has made being AF so much easier by taking out the aspect of maybe some day. I am an alcoholic. I can not have a drink. At this point in time al has not been part of my life for over a year and the thoughts i had to fight in the beginning are gone. The day I admitted I was an alcoholic to myself put having a drink in a whole new perspective. If i didn't have this psych up in the beginning I would never have arrived at were I am today. The door can never be left a little open. You are not AF even if you drink only every now and then. Their is still and acceptance of al in your life. I can guarantee it will escalate and not be in control. It will control you.


Stay Healthy and Keep Fighting
AF 5-16-08

[Guest]

Ack!

Hi sunshine, sorry you had a slip but I so happy to hear you are doing so well.
I know what you mean about AA, I live in a small town and I really do not believe it is confidential. I tried meetings, and I am happy for the people who it works for but for me the experience was dull, boring and non resolving.
Good love to you, I wish you all the Best! OO

[byebyebridgetjones]

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Glad you're back Sunnybum

And you know I disagree that you are right back where you started (your first post )...and I bet your liver would agree with me.
Let's not get too bleak here. Remember to acknowledge all the AF time that you have under your belt, and all the advantages ,physical and otherwise, that you've enjoyed .....and will enjoy again.
On the grand scale of things, as long as you're back on the wagon, you'll be alright.....and now you've got some nice recent reinforcement about why you never want to go back there ....... See ? Not as bad as it could be ....
Bridge (across troubled waters )

[sunshine_gg]

Ack!

:H Luv yer way at looking at things, Bridge!

No, I know I'm not back --> THERE.. Heavens, I ain't going back there, ever. I guess what I mean is, that fundamentally, things haven't changed. If given the opportunity, I will still polish off a bottle by myself. Hence, I need to eliminate that opportunity

Anyways, I'll be sticking close by for a while see if I can't find that acceptance I seem to be lacking.

Thanks for all of your thoughts, everyone!