Well, the *worst* happened over the weekend--and now I KNOW it has to be over. I fell for the second time since starting drinking last year and bruised my foot--again. Only this time my daughter found me blacked out on the floor and had to call my father. Never again. I am just thankful that she never saw me like this and didn't call 911. I've apologized to her, explained my problem and why things have changed so much over the past year, and now we are ready to move on.
Since last yer, I've been buying the large bottle of vodka and spending the entire weekend sipping away until I would blackout at night. And then it got worse. Wake up and do it all over again to take away the morning shakes. THE MORNING DRINK. Waking up drenched in perspiration all night. Waking up at 4:00 am and not being able to sleep again...unless. And then spending a day or two taking klonopin and feeling SO much better. And then back to another few days of hard drinking only at night. To be honest, I've been pretty hard drinking 5 out of 7 days for almost the last three months. Before it wasn't so bad. I used to be that I wouldn't start until the afternoon ever; then it became only on weekdays...but the weekends started to become lost. And then I'm a wreck.
I can't believe I ever became this. I've changed so dramatically in the last year of regular drinking. I'm one of those who started drinking later in life...after some trauma, divorce, you name it. Then I move to a place where I can't find a decent job (I'm a professional)...but my daughter is so happy here.
So I went off drinking last fall by taking benzos in high doses to get over the first withdrawl. It was HORRIBLE as I'd developed quite a tolerance to benzos in addition to alcohol.
On the advice of others, did the AA Thing, which just didn't work for me. Sure, they took me in...like a convert...but I started to feel pressure to do "service work" and feel what just wasn't there. Sure, I didn't lose my license, my job, my child...so I could drive people to meetings--specifically women who left/lost their kids to keep in AA. Only I had to get back to take care of my child--I had responsibilities that kept me from making every meeting--the 90/90. And it was like a giant match.com, where you're supposed to hook up with another reformed alcoholic. So much of the time, it just didn't compute. And the AA member who was taking money from the meetings. How reformed is that? Sure, there were many good people there...but, in my mind, lots who simply discussed their relationship with "Our Father" and said the same things over and over.
I was addicted to the benzos, which exacerbated my depression. Tapered off the benzos only to find that I was in a terrible relatiionship and still really lonely and feeling depressed. Sound familiar?? And tired of AA meetings. It MADE me want to drink.
End of relationship, finally. So I go on this bender to end all benders.
Knew it was the end. Got another rx for benzos and spent two hellish days of withdrawl with the sweats, panic, a benzo every six hours. Realized today that perhaps, rather than getting hooked on the benzos again, there was another way.
Like many of you, I did the search for "tapering off of alcohol" and here I am because I stopped drinking a few weeks ago by doing the beer thing for a few days. My eyes were sparkling again. Out and about. Exercising.
And then I "felt so good" it started all over again. This time, though, I really want to stop the hard drinking.
So I finally figured that I'd just do the tapering with beer. It was SO great to find a place where "rehab" or "finding the strength of a higher power" wasn't in the picture (please don't be offended--I'm spiritual...just have some real problems with some things). And the very real idea of going to rehab being on a permanent record. SERIOUSLY.
So I made it 24 hours without alcohol...feeling really crappy. I had to take a benzo early this morning after a terrible night of waking up in a sweat every hour or so. And taking a benzo every six hours yesterday.
Decided to buy a few beers this morning after taking my daughter to school (how embarrassing---really--buying beer at 9:00 am). But instead of getting all panicky and downing another benzo, I just had a *bit* of beer, which I don't really like. And then proceeded to clean house, do laundry, etc. instead of staying in bed another day with the panic attacks and perspiration and fear of the doorbell ringing. I'm not drunk by any means, yet the bodily issues and racing thoughts, pulse, are gone.
So, it may take an extra week or two, but it's the price I'm willing to pay so that I don't up my benzo intake and run out before I'm due. In my experience, benzos are terrible: depression, rebound insomnia, shakes. Just like alcohol--maybe even worse. I'll keep them for an as needed.
I want to thank the people who made this alternative to AA/rehab possible. It went along with my whole theory. I'm going to keep reading the boards for inspiration.
So THANK YOU and hello.
:new:
Since last yer, I've been buying the large bottle of vodka and spending the entire weekend sipping away until I would blackout at night. And then it got worse. Wake up and do it all over again to take away the morning shakes. THE MORNING DRINK. Waking up drenched in perspiration all night. Waking up at 4:00 am and not being able to sleep again...unless. And then spending a day or two taking klonopin and feeling SO much better. And then back to another few days of hard drinking only at night. To be honest, I've been pretty hard drinking 5 out of 7 days for almost the last three months. Before it wasn't so bad. I used to be that I wouldn't start until the afternoon ever; then it became only on weekdays...but the weekends started to become lost. And then I'm a wreck.
I can't believe I ever became this. I've changed so dramatically in the last year of regular drinking. I'm one of those who started drinking later in life...after some trauma, divorce, you name it. Then I move to a place where I can't find a decent job (I'm a professional)...but my daughter is so happy here.
So I went off drinking last fall by taking benzos in high doses to get over the first withdrawl. It was HORRIBLE as I'd developed quite a tolerance to benzos in addition to alcohol.
On the advice of others, did the AA Thing, which just didn't work for me. Sure, they took me in...like a convert...but I started to feel pressure to do "service work" and feel what just wasn't there. Sure, I didn't lose my license, my job, my child...so I could drive people to meetings--specifically women who left/lost their kids to keep in AA. Only I had to get back to take care of my child--I had responsibilities that kept me from making every meeting--the 90/90. And it was like a giant match.com, where you're supposed to hook up with another reformed alcoholic. So much of the time, it just didn't compute. And the AA member who was taking money from the meetings. How reformed is that? Sure, there were many good people there...but, in my mind, lots who simply discussed their relationship with "Our Father" and said the same things over and over.
I was addicted to the benzos, which exacerbated my depression. Tapered off the benzos only to find that I was in a terrible relatiionship and still really lonely and feeling depressed. Sound familiar?? And tired of AA meetings. It MADE me want to drink.
End of relationship, finally. So I go on this bender to end all benders.
Knew it was the end. Got another rx for benzos and spent two hellish days of withdrawl with the sweats, panic, a benzo every six hours. Realized today that perhaps, rather than getting hooked on the benzos again, there was another way.
Like many of you, I did the search for "tapering off of alcohol" and here I am because I stopped drinking a few weeks ago by doing the beer thing for a few days. My eyes were sparkling again. Out and about. Exercising.
And then I "felt so good" it started all over again. This time, though, I really want to stop the hard drinking.
So I finally figured that I'd just do the tapering with beer. It was SO great to find a place where "rehab" or "finding the strength of a higher power" wasn't in the picture (please don't be offended--I'm spiritual...just have some real problems with some things). And the very real idea of going to rehab being on a permanent record. SERIOUSLY.
So I made it 24 hours without alcohol...feeling really crappy. I had to take a benzo early this morning after a terrible night of waking up in a sweat every hour or so. And taking a benzo every six hours yesterday.
Decided to buy a few beers this morning after taking my daughter to school (how embarrassing---really--buying beer at 9:00 am). But instead of getting all panicky and downing another benzo, I just had a *bit* of beer, which I don't really like. And then proceeded to clean house, do laundry, etc. instead of staying in bed another day with the panic attacks and perspiration and fear of the doorbell ringing. I'm not drunk by any means, yet the bodily issues and racing thoughts, pulse, are gone.
So, it may take an extra week or two, but it's the price I'm willing to pay so that I don't up my benzo intake and run out before I'm due. In my experience, benzos are terrible: depression, rebound insomnia, shakes. Just like alcohol--maybe even worse. I'll keep them for an as needed.
I want to thank the people who made this alternative to AA/rehab possible. It went along with my whole theory. I'm going to keep reading the boards for inspiration.
So THANK YOU and hello.
:new:
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