New here...

[BellaC]

Hello...I've been lurking on these forums for over a month now and finally decided to join and start posting since everyone is so supportive here. I've decided that the time has come to stop slowly killing myself and ruining my life in the process. I've been binge drinking for years. I do it in part to self-medicate...I lost both of my parents when I was young and suffer from depression and anxiety (which I of course make ten times worse by guzzling down a depressant substance like it's water). It's very hard for me to be alone with my thoughts...I feel I can't stand it sometimes. I am having major issues with shame and guilt...I can't believe some of the things that I've done and I'm almost glad that I can't remember a lot of other things I've done. I think my personal hell would be having somebody sit me down and tell me in detail all the things I've done or said while intoxicated.
Anyway...I look forward to posting and getting to know you all! Despite the emotional pain I'm in right now, I do feel optimistic.

B

[Quit Quitting]

New here...

Hi Bella


Welcome to MWO, by the end of today you will have so many messages left here you will realise what a special place you have found. Cannot relate to losing parents but that must have been tough. Shame and guilt and the not knowing is awful when you wake up the next day. Then the flashbacks during the day or even worse someone telling you what you did.

Read the book, keep visiting here, and keep posting.

good luck

QQ xx

[willowfrond]

New here...

Hi Bella,

I am only 10 days af but feeling great. I was a daily heavy drinkerm this is my third quit and this time it feels like life or death - of course while drinking I may as well have been dead...just still ambulatory.
Read the book, do A or Smart recovery, meds, detox whatever it takes....first step is a plan.
You can do it.

[hazeleyes]

New here...

Hello Bella
Well done on writing your first post. Great to hear from you. Thanks for sharing your story.
I'm new as well and have found this site so helpful. I am 11 days AF (Alcohol Free) after 2 years of drinking 3 bottles of wine every week. I discovered from reading this site the AL is a poison that will never make my life better. There is a better way to live and lots of help here to get you there.

Keep reading because the honesty and truth and ideas and support shared by the members here is truly life changing.

Welcome onboard
H

[spuddleduck]

New here...

:welcome: hi bella, glad you have found us. this place has been a life saver for me and helped me to be AF for 2 months. there is so much great advice and information to help you along the way

[KatieB]

New here...

Hi BellaC,

Nice to meet you.. you have come to a good place! Most of us have "been there, done that" with you story.. I can empathise with the guilt and shame that goes with drinking so much to get drunk and not know what you are doing or saying.. you must forgive yourself though! you had a sickness.. AL addiction. Sorry to hear about your parents.. I have suffered with depression and anxiety all my adult life.. when I am not drinking the anti-depressants I am taking really work.. have you thought of seeing a counsellor and/or taking anti-depressants?
Welcome again,
Katie x

[hillsidetime]

New here...

Hi Bella, and welcome. You are not alone here, we all feel guilt and shame from our alcoholism and exploits when drunk. You can start a new chapter in your life, and you don't have to let the last chapter define who you are. I am glad that you believe it is time to go af, and that you are optimistic. The live forum is a very supportive, and fun, place to hang out when you are having a real tough time with your thoughts. All the best, and keep us posted.
Hill

[JACQRABBIT]

New here...

Wow Bella C,

That was quite an honest insight into the Raw personal heart of on display, naked, for all to see Bella C.

That must have taken some real faith and courage to share that story,
particularly admitting your fear about never wanting to know the under the influence stories.



I would just like to say welcome and well done for starting the journey,
it may seem long and often very difficult but Everyone here is on the same path and will support you through the highs and lows.

Again Welcome :welcome:

Jacqrabbit
(day 15 AF)

[BellaC]

New here...

Thanks everyone...I appreciate all the support! Katie-Yes, I am in the process of finding a psychiatrist to talk to, and my doctor just put me on an antidepressant. I know now that I won't be able to quit without addressing all of my issues.

[Ringing Cedars]

New here...

Hi there BellaC. Welcome to this community. You are taking very productive steps to your healing. Good for you and all the best on your quest!

[Doggygirl]

New here...

Welcome Bella. Love your avatar! My favorite movie of all time.

Here is some good news:

1. If you stop drinking, it's very likely that you will stop piling on more guilt and shame to the existing list.

2. When I isolated with my own list of horrible things I had done, they nearly ate me alive. (I was seriously considering suicide prior to getting sober)

3. I found out that I was NOT alone in my alcoholism, nor was I alone in having a lot of "wreckage of my past" I was carrying around with me.

4. Sober, I learned to face my past and feel forgiven, and forgive myself. And I'm learning to live a much more honest and decent life going forward.

We can't change the past. We can review it for it's lessons, and do better today.

Strength and hope to you. I will guarantee you there is nothing you have done that hasn't been done by many others under the influence. If I can survive my past and feel good about going forward, I know you can do it too. :l

DG

[daybyday]

New here...

Welcome Bella, You should give yourself a big hug for taking such a great step towards helping yourself get healthy and guilt free. I am pretty new on MWO too, am 12 days AF today. It is only because of MWO I have been able to do this as I've drank for over 30 years with no success ever in the past to be able to quit. The guilt and shame was eating me alive too. Unfortunately I did get to hear the stories of what I did when blacking out and it was very dreadful.
You have come to a great place for support and also for caring, glad you joined us. :l