3 Months, and confused

[hillsidetime]

Hi everyone, I have reached the 3 month mark alcohol free. I have still not told anyone other than my close family that I am sober. No one at work or friends etc. It is bugging me how alcohol seems to still be running my life even though I am sober. I am really glad to be af,and I appreciate everyone here so much. I really cannot believe that I have not had a drink in 3 months, it has been 23 years since I have done that. Even so, I am confused sometimes.

Some days the guilt from my past, alcohol related bad decisions and events, hits me really hard. Being sober, perhaps, makes it hurt more. Some days, I just avoid situations where I would have to be creative to dodge why I don't accept a drink (like I have as long as anyone has known me). I just am not ready to go public. This weighs on me some days.

I really like that my personality and confidence are returning to me. I like how my relationship with my wife is slowly improving. I enjoy my children so much more, and I can cherish our moments so much more now that I am sober. I know that I cannot go back to drinking. I don't want a beer...I want 12 beer - I know it in my heart.

I guess I am feeling bitter sweet. Have any of you had confusing times, and moments lacking clarity. Thanks for listening,
Hill

[tlrgs]

3 Months, and confused

hey dont think too much on it yes it happens and the best thing is that you know the past and that just what it is the past .. so just be proud of what you are doing for yourself here and now there will be times of confusion but they will pass .. remember your body is still healing and you are becoming a new person body and soul .. and the good thing is al is no longer in control .. YOU ARE... stay strong and keep thinking positive love and BIG HUGS

[daybyday]

3 Months, and confused

Hill :goodjob: On your 3 month AF!!!

Wow, can I relate to what you are saying about not being ready to talk about being AF. Only the people really close to me know yet.

I went back to work today to a job I love but it is very much a social drinking group. I made sure I had a plan in place in case the topic of alcohol came up and sure enough it did! I am ready to be AF for life and I don't really care if people know I am AF. I think I am more concerned that it will make them uncomfortable with their own drinking so......I just said that my sugar levels have been a little high so I am on a sugar free diet at the moment which includes no alcohol. No one batted an eye and the conversation quickly turned to what I can eat, etc....it really was blown over so fast it wasn't funny.

I had a friend years ago told everyone she was in training and that was why she wasn't drinking alcohol. She was very athletic so no one questioned it.

I don't like to tell little white lies but you know what? My health and sanity without AL is so much more important than anything right now that I'll do whatever it takes to stay AF.

Don't know if that helps you but it's worked for me right now. Again, great job on 3 months, I'm so inspired!!

[BUDDY BLACK]

3 Months, and confused

HILL, you are ahead of me in this battle, but i can totaly relate to your thoughts and feelings. I feel it is good to have remorse for that shows have a conscience. dont beat your self up to bad because everyone, drinkers, nondrinkers have ghosts in their closets. nobody is perfect! And the twelve beers thing, once again right there with ya. Heres to staying sober and liking those results. P.S. YOU have giving me some great advice from your posts to me, i sincerely thank you,hang in there and stay focused, you can pm me anytime would enjoy talking more with you. b.b.

[LVT25]

3 Months, and confused

You took the words right out of my mouth. I can relate and agree with everything you've said.
I talk about it too much now though. I'm finding that some people pretend to be big drinkers when really they are not. Isn't that weird??
I like sober life too.:h

[spuddleduck]

3 Months, and confused

hill... well done on 3 months, im just behind you. i know what you mean. most of my friends know im AF, i didnt hide my problem very well. its the not so close aquantances that i have a problem with. god knows why we feel we should make an excuse, perhaps it is admitting to them we had a problem in the first place. i have the perfect excuse, being diabetic, i can just say its messing with my medication, or something similar. whatever you have to do or say, its worth it for this wonderful gift of sobriety (never thought i would hear myself say that)

[mollyka]

3 Months, and confused

Hill - first of all WELL DONE on 3 months - that is fantastic, and oooh yes I know what you're saying 12 beers, 2 bottles of wine, whatever, its still out there beckoning. Don't fall for the apparent charms - its all false, I know.
I didn't broadcast to anyone that I was venturing on this road not sure why. Rightly or wrongly alcoholism is considered somehow shameful and weak and I suppose I didn't want people feeling sorry for me.
I remember many years ago being at a wedding (an Irish wedding even worse!) and noticing my friends brother-in-law drinking coffee, she told me in hushed tones that he was an alcoholic. I never wanted to be spoken about or pointed out like that, I think they are MY reasons, not sure, also maybe I'm aware that if I fail nobody will notice? Be strong Hill, you've done the hard yards - drink now and it will all be as if for nothing
Molly

[K9Lover]

3 Months, and confused

Hi Hill,
I can definitely relate to you, I am just over one month sober myself and I haven't really told anyone...it's really nobody's business but mine.
I also understand the "one beer" mentality...screw that, I want 12 or more!!! That's why I opt for NONE.
I'm glad you are finding your family relationships improved, that's a definite benefit you can be grateful for.
Stay strong, you are an inspiration to many of us here!!!
K9

[wannachange]

3 Months, and confused

Well done Hill on 3 months! Thats HUGE!

A lad who works opposite me doesn't drink - every work social event he goes to he drinks orange juice, when questioned about it he just says he doesn't like the taste of alcohol - I don't know if this is true or not cause he sometimes speaks of days when he did drink and done silly things - but who am I to question.
He is happy I am AF too, I think the world is changing.
Oh and Molly, thats horrid what happened at the wedding, I don't understand some people, being an alcoholic here in Ireland is still seen as someone with a brown bag begging on the street but if everyone looked closely at their drinking habits and what they done while drinking I think that tune would change very quickly.
A lot of people here, including myself, are not alcoholics in the eyes of the public cause its driven into our culture that drink is an ok thing to do, but in retrospect it's not, why do you think they are bringing more laws in to stop it? the pubs not serving takeaways after 10 is a new step and a good one in my opinion.
I am not going to turn anti-alcohol, but I think the Irish taking on the European style by selling alcohol in the local spar and green-apple petrol station is not doing us any good, regardless what open minds we think we have about it, I think its a method to justify their growing alcoholic minds that they don't have a problem.

[Justforme]

3 Months, and confused

What a lot of good sense your post makes Sheri. Very wise and all so true. I look forward to be able to say 'no thanks, I don't drink anymore.' I can imagine how powerful that will feel and how much I will like myself. I have been AF for only 9 days and yes it is really hard in the evenings but God I feel so much better about myself when I wake in the morning. All the best to you Hillside. I really admire you for what you have achieved.

[AMELIA]

3 Months, and confused

Sheri;850874 wrote: Hi Hillside,

Congratulations on 3 months! The first 90 days were definitely the hardest for me, but it also marked a turning point when I finally started to feel a bit more secure in my sobriety.

I think it's normal to feel ambivalent in the beginning, but it might also be a good time to honestly search for the reason why you are so uncomfortable telling people that you don't drink anymore so that you can work to resolve the inner conflict. Is it because you're afraid of what people might think about you (?OMG, he must be an alcoholic? or ?He?s no fun anymore?), or that you're still not sure if you can keep it up long-term, or that you don't want to make them feel uncomfortable with their own drinking, or do you believe that the fact that you can?t drink is something to feel shameful about, and if so, why? And, then take it a step further and ask yourself if there?s another, more positive way that you could be looking at this that might make you feel more comfortable.

I certainly don't seek out social drinking situations either, it's just not fun for me anymore, but when I do find myself in them, I am very comfortable not drinking alcohol and telling people I don't drink if the topic comes up and have found it very empowering to do so. I read somewhere that the words we say out loud between our own ears are the most powerful of all, so I actually welcome the opportunity to say ?No thanks, I?ll have a club soda and lime? or ?I don?t drink,? because it reaffirms my commitment to myself. I don?t feel the need to announce to the world that I?m a recovering alcoholic, and they don?t need to know, unless I choose to share that information with them (which I don?t). My reason is that it just doesn't do anything for me anymore, and that is the honest truth.

People choose not to drink for all sorts of reasons: health issues, don?t like the taste, don?t like the way it makes them feel, have to get up early, not in the mood, have an upset stomach, don?t want the empty calories, have to drive, tired, religion, want to set good example for children, have a big day tomorrow, have outgrown it, and so on and so on. In fact, most of the people I know are not big drinkers or don?t drink at all for all those reasons, and I always secretly envied them in the later years of my drinking career.

You?re doing so great, I just hate to see you falling into the trap of doubting yourself and living in secrecy again, particularly over something that you should be very proud of achieving, but all in due time. Perhaps this is just the next stage in your recovery process to master and you could start by picking a few safe people to practice on.

Kudos again, and keep up the good work!

Sheri

Sheri, thank you for your post.
It is what I really needed to read right now.

[hillsidetime]

3 Months, and confused

Hi everyone, I really appreciate your feedback. Tlrgs, great point, "I" am in me now, not al. DBD, Buddy, LVT25, Spud, Mol, K9, Wanna, Justforme - thanks you all for your support and ideas. I have read your responses many times - it helps a lot. Sheri, thank you for your response - I think I answered yes to all of your questions about why I am still not open about being af, and I think you are right - I need to give it more thought and work through it. The great news is that I am sober, and happy about it, even if I am confused sometimes, I can live with that for now. Have a great weekend,
Hill