I Let AL Define Who I Am

[Farm Girl]

First, I've been traveling a lot and miss all of you on MWO. Just getting back to normal so I hope to "catch" up on what everyone is doing.

I am angry - really angry with myself. I realized last week that I have let AL define who I am. Since I have been AF (77 days) I have had these moments of no self confidence, doubt - I'm not interesting, funny or worth spending time with. I have been afraid of going to events with AL, how to explain to friends on vacation that I don't drink anymore, explain to peers at a dinner that I am not drinking. It hit me last week like a physical blow - have I let AL become so important to me that I let it define who I am and what I do?

The answer is YES. To my shame. To my anger. Why am I thinking about drinking so much, why am I worrying about what to tell people?

I am determined to redefine myself - and AL will not be in the definition of who I am any longer!!

[KatieB]

I Let AL Define Who I Am

Farm Girl,
Now you have so much AF time under your belt (huge congrats btw!), you are being introspective, as when we drink, it often blocks our ability to be introspective.. I am with you in the letting AL define who I am; I often felt I could not "be myself" unless I had AL in my system.. these are the lies that AL tell us! In fact it hides who we are, and makes us do things or say things we would never dream of when sober! - the sober us is the "real" us.. I find low self-esteem can sometimes inhibit me, but that does not mean I am not who I am when sober.. it just means I can be shy, which is the "real" me.. I find I am much more caring and aware of others and their feelings when sober - when drunk, I couldnt care less.. and that is not who I am!
So well done again on your AF days, you sound so strong, and we have missed you! not seen you in awhile.. all the best in your continuuing journey,
Katie xxx

[sk8punk]

I Let AL Define Who I Am

Farm Girl;854518 wrote: First, I've been traveling a lot and miss all of you on MWO. Just getting back to normal so I hope to "catch" up on what everyone is doing.

I am angry - really angry with myself. I realized last week that I have let AL define who I am. Since I have been AF (77 days) I have had these moments of no self confidence, doubt - I'm not interesting, funny or worth spending time with. I have been afraid of going to events with AL, how to explain to friends on vacation that I don't drink anymore, explain to peers at a dinner that I am not drinking. It hit me last week like a physical blow - have I let AL become so important to me that I let it define who I am and what I do?

The answer is YES. To my shame. To my anger. Why am I thinking about drinking so much, why am I worrying about what to tell people?

I am determined to redefine myself - and AL will not be in the definition of who I am any longer!!

Although I don't have as many days AF as you (congrats on that!) I feel the same way. I realized I used to worry about when I could drink before. Now I worry about people wondering why I don't. It has to stop. I have to live my life. I may be a alcoholic but its not who I am.

[Farm Girl]

I Let AL Define Who I Am

Katie - you are awesome and thanks for breaking down how I am feeling, you are right on. Sk8punk, I have used the trying to lose weight, on other medication, and 5 other excuses for why I'm not drinking. I have decided it's time to stop feeling like I have to have a reason for why I don't drink!

[byebyebridgetjones]

I Let AL Define Who I Am

I completely get it Farm Girl !
I am at the same stage. It's really infuriating to me at the moment to have to make 'excuses' or 'provide explanations' for something which is completely my own decision.

I think it's going to help to just label myself as a non drinker, both in my own head (especially) but also within the profile that I present to other people.
One thing I never did, even throughout my other idiotic behaviour, was insist that other people drink with me. Iwas quite happy to sit there and drink alone. I wish other people would give over with that. It's just control friek behaviour.

Anyway this is YOUR life. And 77 days is just fabulous.

[Quit Quitting]

I Let AL Define Who I Am

I am determined to redefine myself - and AL will not be in the definition of who I am any longer!!

What a statement and well said - Well done on the 77 days AF you just keep going.

QQ

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

I Let AL Define Who I Am

Hello Farm Girl, I think we obviously spend a lot of time thinking about the whole AL issue, after all we are trying to stop this abuse. This is no bad thing in the first weeks and months and it should lessen over time. In thinking about it so much, it is my opinion we tend to forget how little importance 'normal' drinkers and non drinkers put on it. I used to think I had to explain or people would be watching and asking questions if they saw me, who was usually half tanked at any gathering, not drinking. The truth is they may ask the question, as they would if one stopped smoking for instance but really they arent interested. A simple 'I dont drink' or I am having a break from it I am on a health buzz, will surfice. People accept that and if they push further remember it is none of their business if or why you dont drink, just as other areas of our lives are private. We have nothing to be ashamed about, just as we dont have to explain our actions and relationship with AL to anyone but those closest, if we choose. AL does not define who we are.

[johnnyh]

I Let AL Define Who I Am

Hey Farm Girl,

Wow. you're really getting some impressive AF time there.

I believe that it's a challenge to rediscover the true you when you quit drinking. We spent so much time intoxicated, everything we do has to do with AL. The parties we went to, the dinner parties we went to, the bbq we had, the social, the evening on the couch, the weekend with buddies at the pub, etc. If I look at my life, everything centered around AL. What a challenge when the one thing that occupied the majority of time is gone all of a sudden. I also share the same conviction that I let AL define me. BUT I too have started a new chapter in my life. Am very weary though that to redifine myself will take time and patience.

[hillsidetime]

I Let AL Define Who I Am

Hi Farm Firl, and welcome back. Congratulations on your 77 days, that is wonderful. You really should be proud of yourself. I really connected with what you are saying in your honest posting. I am also working through this realisation - some days I do suffer guilt, anger, disbelief, confustion etc. Like KatieB stated, the real us can now start to emerge, and this is wonderful. Starting the social transition to being a non-drinker - telling peers, colleagues, friends - is a tough one, and I am slowly trying to do this too. Finding creative ways and reasons to avoid social drinking works, but it also is frustrating sometimes. It does make events, dinner parties more complicated. But once we have succeeded in defining ourselves, and getting all this leg work done, I really do hope that a peace will arrive, and that we don't have to think so much, so often, about alcohol and our lives.

Keep up the great work Farm Girl,
Hill



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[Panno]

I Let AL Define Who I Am

Farmgirl fantastic for 77 days AF, I am looking forward to the day I can say that I am in a similar thinking mode at the moment about the socialising without AL but for the reason I could not trust myself to not drink and not for the fear someone will ask me why I'm not drinking. I wonder if it is ourselves who put the pressure on us, that we want to think people are judging us because we don't drink, is it that fear that we still don't trust ourselves even after a long abstinence (hope that makes sense, my brain cells are still all over its only day 5!!) As Sheri says if people do comment on why we are not having AL then it is more often than not they have a problem themselves, I know my drinking friends would be pushing for me to have one they are in my position but still in denial!!

[wannachange]

I Let AL Define Who I Am

Hi Farmgirl, I can't add any more than what's already been said here.
Something in Spams post above really hit me - She is right you know, nobody needs an explanation, sure give them one if they ask.
Wow some eye-opener there.

[KatieB]

I Let AL Define Who I Am

Spam - that is a great point.. so many times I have found myself babbling and giving too much information in all sorts of cases! which is ridiculous.. you are right, people do not "need" to know anything about us! It is up to us how much info we divulge, and we shouldn't feel "bullied" by ppl into giving info that is none of their business! so well put Spam..
Katie x

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

I Let AL Define Who I Am

If we are offered a sandwich at a party and decline, do people ask us why?
If we say we dont smoke do people ask or pester us to have 'just the one it wont hurt'
Being a drunk/alcoholic/abuser of AL, call it what you will, has such a negative stigma attached as if we are somehow weak or lacking in moral fiber. It shouldnt be so and only we can change that. So next time someone asks why dont you drink remember its your business and yours alone. So next time hold your head up and be proud you have come to the stage where you have taken back control and can say NO THANKS.

[johnnyh]

I Let AL Define Who I Am

Spam and Ktab, Luv your posts!!! Good points.

I've caught myself out twice in the past two weeks or so when I met an old friend (different one each occasion) and concluded by telling each of them we should meet for a cup of coffee sometime (having known me in the past that must have sounded odd ) first friend said, yeah. but we should make it a Friday incase the coffee turns into some beers, etc. after. I just nodded and said, yeah. I wasn't brave enough to tell him, well I don't drink anymore. The second one happend nearly a week later, someone else who said well we could meet for a beer rather. I told him well I dont' drink anymore that time and only got an mmmm. as an answer. Guess I won't be hearing from him. lol

Difficult sometimes.

[Coco-Nut]

I Let AL Define Who I Am

Yes, I tend to feel like I have something to explain when declining a drink. (Not that I've been able to make myself decline very often but I am trying!). Perhaps next time someone asks why I'm not drinking I'll say:
Because one will lead to two which will lead to ten, which will make me not only horribly annoying and loud, but treacherously insensitive and I'll probably tell you exactly how off-putting I find that dress you chose to wear (for some ungodly reason) and then I'm likely to puke on your very ugly shoes.

Perhaps that would go over better? Nah...!!