Hanging in There

[Justforme]

Hi all, Day 13 for me. Really happy that I have got this far but feeling quite out of sorts. Feels like a big part of my life has stopped. I realise now that wine was the thing I look forward most to in my day. I guess it was kind of like a friend, a treat when I came in the door at the end of the day, someone to watch TV with at night, a means of conversation starting, being welcoming etc. etc. I feel that I have gone very quiet and have withdrawn into myself. I just miss it. What does all this tell me? I am finally on the right track with my life. Checking into to these threads is invaluable for me right now, when the other voice in my head seems to snigger at my trying to stay AF.

[Guest]

Hanging in There

Welcome. It is normal to "miss" AL it was a part of your life that's now gone. Sometimes it's best to remember what AL did to you so you can balance it off and draw a line under it.

[Doggygirl]

Hanging in There

Congratulations on your 13 AF days! That is such an awesome start to a much better and more productive, meaningful life. The thing that really stood out to me when I first read your post was your realization that wine is THE thing you looked forward to in your days. When alcohol takes over in that way, I think it's time for big changes. It certainly was for me anyway. And I was the same way - my life was reduced to nothing more than working around my drinking / recovering from drinking schedule.

It is really hard. This is addiction. Our minds want a fix. Please have faith that it DOES get easier with time. In the mean time, you might find it helpful to start writing down lists of things you want to do. My own list had a wide variety of things with a bit of time. Chore type things I wanted or needed to do and also fun things that I wanted to do. Some things I used to enjoy but got away from as AL took over my life. Other new things I wanted to try for the first time.

The great thing about a written list is that when a craving strikes, or a depressed mood (how will I live without AL?) strikes, you can just look at the list and pick something. For me, that was easier than trying to "think" when I was in the middle of either a big urge or a pity party.

You CAN do this. It's hard, but you can. If I can, you can. I know it and I hope you do too.

Strength and hope,

DG

[Crowgirl]

Hanging in There

Hi, Justforme. I'm on day 12 of a 30... and I also love wine. Just because I'm not drinking, doesn't mean I don't still love wine and miss a glass (or two, or in truth, most of a bottle).

But thinking about polishing off a bottle makes me think about the morning after. All the things I would do to function during the day... Drink water, coffee, Gatorade...eat eggs and cheese, take vitamin B, slug Emergen-C energy drink mix, take some more Chaser Plus hangover remedy pills. And pretend I was doing just fine to my family. It was like a full time job keeping it all going!

So now I have quite a bit more free time. But I understand what you mean about feeling out of sorts. I've promised myself 30 days, to see how I feel. I can do just about anything for 30 days. But I'm also promising myself not to go back to those dreadful days. I'm working on coming up with a moderation plan. If it doesn't work, I will give up the ghost and stay sober.

One of the things I love best about this board is the honesty, and lack of judgement. Where we are today is where we are. It is what it is. I accept you right where you're at. Hang in there. I hear it gets better. :l

[Justforme]

Hanging in There

Thanks to you all, there is just so much sense and understanding from you all. What I think I am struggling with most of this loss of my 'personality'. On top of this, the fact that I have made it 13 days, it has been hard, but not as hard as it could have been, which then makes me go along that awful tangent of ... you obviously didn't have a real problem with AL, you just were really down on yourself a lot of the time. What I need is to hear (repeatedly I think at this stage of abstinence) is that I did/do have a problem. Drinking the best part of a bottle of wine each night is a problem. No doubt about it. I just keep doubting that I need to be doing this. Yet it is something I have wanted for myself for a long time. That is, I guess, how strong the hold of AL on me. A number of people on this site talk about having 2+ bottles a night and that makes me think (in my moments of self doubt), my 'problem' is just me, over dramatising things. I imagine that once I am say, six months AF, I would find a bottle of wine a night to be horrific. At the moment, it doesn't seem so bad, some days ...

Still AF with niggling doubts ...

[Doggygirl]

Hanging in There

OK - I want you to think about this part that you just said:

What I think I am struggling with most of this loss of my 'personality'.

So what you are thinking is that WITH AL, you have YOUR personality, but without AL, you do NOT have YOUR personality? I think maybe that is backwards!

Please trust me - ALL of these thoughts are normal. I certainly went through them all and I'm guessing most if not all others here with some AF time have been through it.

*I'm not really that bad
*I can't socialize without AL
*I've lost my personality
*Life is no fun any more
* on it goes

This is our addicted brains LYING to us in an effort to get a fix. You WILL get past all this if you tough it out.

Please hang in there! You are doing great. If you feel like AL took over your life, then continued drinking is most likely to just make things worse and worse. It never gets better with AL - only worse.

DG

[Justforme]

Hanging in There

Thank you. I appreciate all of this.

[NewOne]

Hanging in There

I think a lot of times we drink booze to push down bad feelings. When we go AF those feelings are bound to come up. I'm fighting with a whole passle of them & I am only 5 days in. We'll tell ourselves all kinds of silly shit to get the booze so we don't have to deal with them. It's what we do.

I just came a hair of smashing my computer into next year & I don't have a violent bone in my body....lol

[Justforme]

Hanging in There

Yes, I think you've hit on something there for me Newone. I've probably been doing it for so long, that it feels really uncomfortable not masking everything with booze. This feeling of 'clearness' is really odd. I think that's what I'm feeling at the moment. Sort of disconnected. All the best to you today/tonight.

[NewOne]

Hanging in There

I'm a depressive personality, when I drink it lifts, when I get hungover it distracts me. A hangover is evidently preferable to the bleakness & loss of motivation & interest.

I'm not so much a sad person as I am numb. I call it the void.

I have full intention of looking the void right dead in the face this weekend & telling it to F*** off....snort!

[daybyday]

Hanging in There

Hi Justforme,
I too loved my wine for the exact same reasons you stated. It was the only thing I looked forward to all day long unless I was again severly hungover and swearin to quit.....the vicious circle went round and round for years...it became my personality.
Doggygirls post about the lying brain says it all. It does pass and you will find yourself again.

[Farm Girl]

Hanging in There

Hi Justforme - completely understand the feeling of losing your identify, but as Doggygirl states, that is a LIE your brain is telling you. Step back and ask yourself why you are giving AL the power of defining who you are (I am going thru the same thing and very pissed off at myself for even wondering if being AF makes me a less interesting person).

All I can say around the "am I really an alcoholic" question is I think there will always be people who drink more than you and people who drink less.

These feelings will pass and you will start to feel better about yourself. Hang in there!

[Justforme]

Hanging in There

Just got in and read your post new one. I have been taking anti depressants on and off for a couple of years. My counsellor has told me numerous times that alcohol is a depressant but that didn't stop me enjoying it. It will be interesting to see over the next few weeks (gulp) how different I might feel without the alcohol battling against the anti-depressants. Keep in touch over the weekend. I'll look out for you!

[Justforme]

Hanging in There

Thanks Farmgirl and DaybyDay. I realised also today, talking to someone about this stuff that the whole situation of saying in a social setting "I don't drink" is not something that I would find difficult. I think I'd really great being able to say that. What surprised me today was realising that, for me, I've always been more concerned in social scenes that other people may look at me and notice how much I drink. It is weird how, now that I have been AF for THIRTEEN DAYS!! (had to shout that, sorry) I am aware of these things about my personality that I didn't want to face. Don't know if this is making sense, but, for a change, if it's not, it's not because I've been drinking! Ha!

[hillsidetime]

Hanging in There

Hi Justforme, congratulations on your 13 days, that is awesome. I understand your confused feelings and how drastically your life can change when living without af. It took me quite a while to shed my old skin, and grow into my new af skin - it fits well most days now. Yes, like you say just above here, our personalities have a chance to come out when we become sober. Some great things, and some tough things we have to face. The good outweigh the bad by tones. Hang in there, and congrats once again.
Hill