confused..and just about wtf in ny

[Lion]

hi,
some of you know me...i dont seem to know what is going on in my life, prob cause i cant see the forest cause of the trees...so here is the un biased truth best i can see it.
i am a single mom of a 23 year old graduating college student boy and an 11 year old daugther. different dads, both worthless to me as a parent...
my son has a gf whom he drives back and forth about 3o minutes min a day and he then goes on go school. end story: cost me about 40 per day. i am drowning in the debt. he rackecd up ab out 400 being generous over the last 10 days. i repeat, i am single and i have my own home, etc to support. i just cannot do it. i have talked to him repeatedly about the speinding but his habits are 4 here, 5 there and it adds up. i just cannot keep up with it. to add to this or perhaps the real problem is his father, my ex of over 12 years, lives in my basement and does not work at all. i am so frustrated and besides myself i just want to say f it. i really feel that way right now. i spoke to his dad, whom there is and never will be again any type of relationship with EVER again that he has to pick it up, i work my ass off and i come home to a trashed yard and house daily. i am so tired of it. i come home and go to my room and hide and try not to interact and see my home so i just stayt in my bedroom...i usually drink too. i am just so frustrated and talking to my son, he seems to just want to say well, i am in the last few weeks, when i am at school i need to eat..need gas, you name it. i feel like i am the proverbial rock whom has no blood left. i can make it until graduation, may 22, but what then? i pay for him to run to jobs, run his gf around? WTF or is it me????? then his father, whom seems to think his sole purpose in life is to walk the f ing dog....i guess i got my own answer ranting...this man needs to get a f ing life cause he continues to drag me down....thanks all for listening....btw, there is no relationship (romantic) at all with my sons father and never ever ever could nor would be.

[Lion]

confused..and just about wtf in ny

sorry, racked up ab means racked up credit card about 400

[Lion]

confused..and just about wtf in ny

per week or two

that 4oo is per week or so btw, not month....very stressed about the credit card bill here WTF

[daybyday]

confused..and just about wtf in ny

Hi Lion,

If I can be brutally honest....you are way too nice. I just can not see any reason at all why your ex should or would be living in your basement. I could say you need to give him the option of getting a job, paying you rent, etc..etc...but all in all, I've had ex's, he needs to get out of your home as those arrangements just never work out. Give him an eviction date and then find a "paying" renter if you need the extra help with income.
Sorry, but same with son. You need to set a firm boundary with him right away. Like he finds a job as soon as he's finished college and he starts to pay you room & board and pay his own way AND he gets a move out date too.
You can't be wishy washy in this. These family members are taking advantage of a very nice person, yourself. They need really specific boundaries with very specific dates in the very near future.
I don't know if it's possible for you to get a referral for some counselling from your Dr. but it sounds like you could really use a good counsellor to help you with boundary issues with other people. There is nothing wrong with you and they need to go and let you start your own life.
I only speak from past experience and having a break-down as I let these same things happen to me too. I saw a counsellor for 2 years and it made a huge difference in how I let people treat me.
:lA big hug to you and take care of yourself, you sound like an incredibly beautiful person with a very lovely heart.

[NewOne]

confused..and just about wtf in ny

I'm going to be brutually honest too...you don't owe these people anything.... family or not.

[Lion]

confused..and just about wtf in ny

thanks day and new, i have given and given and nothing changes....i think you are right, to a counselor i go! will report badk on progress. i have had enough here...i am a stone now and cannot bleed anymore....

[Farm Girl]

confused..and just about wtf in ny

Hi Lion - wow - seems like you deserve some real "me" time in your life. I'd say you should focus on yourself so you can start feeling better about yourself and life in general. You deserve to be happy!!! Just my opinion, but sounds like your son and ex need to learn to take care of themselves.

You must be a wonderful giving person - wishing you the best!

[KatieB]

confused..and just about wtf in ny

Lion,
I agree with the other posts - you are being WAY too nice! What are you doing allowing your ex of 12 years to sponge off you? and your son is 23 for goodness sakes - he's been legally an adult for 5 years!! They are all walking all over you and treating you like a doormat - you seriously need to tell them all where to go! family or not, like daybyday says - family does not seem to matter to them, if they are happy seeing you ran to the ground trying to support them all.. please please put yourself first for once, and tell them all they all need to support themselves!
It may sound drastic but maybe move to a smaller place where there is no room for anyone to stay (apart from your daughter and son when he visits you) - they need to sort themselves out or they will never learn! The only people you have to support is yourself and your daughter who is only 11..
The best of luck to you,
Katie xxx

[JACQRABBIT]

confused..and just about wtf in ny

Hi Lion.

Ditto.

All of the above.

Heartless as this sounds you are not doing your son any favours by allowing him to 'Mooch' off you.
As a parent it is your responsibility to sometimes say No.
By allowing your son to continuously use you as an ATM you he is not learning life lessons.
If he needs the money and you don't provide it he will get a part time job or the GF will learn to take the bus.

[mollyka]

confused..and just about wtf in ny

Nice one JacqR I agree with you!
Lion, just my tuppence worth, when I was drinking I was CONSUMED with guilt and over compensated with everyone, especially my kids and husband cos I felt so worthless and presumed that I was always in the wrong - because I was a 'useless drunk', major self esteem issues. The point I'm trying to make is that I possibly could have found myself in a similar situation when drinking, never strong or confident enough to say no to anything - half the time couldn't remember what I was supposed to be saying no to.
Get sober Lion - after even just a couple of weeks AF the whole situation will be so obviously crazy you WILL deal with it. You will have a whole new mindset and to hell with the ex he needs a bomb up his backside, but your son will have more respect for you if you just put your foot down and say NO!!
The key is sobriety
Good luck
Molly

[girly wirly]

confused..and just about wtf in ny

lion

all good advice. the bottom line is these are grown men who can earn their own money and if they had any love or respect for you thay would not do this to you.

you need to say sod it. tell the gf NO. you owe her NOTHING!, get rent off your ex or evict him and give your son a minimal allowance (until he graduates) and tell him when it's gone it's gone, the atm closes. Once he graduates he's on his own.

you'll see when you say no, they will miraculously find their money elsewhere and stop bleeding you dry. look after you and your girl honey xxx:l

[Lion]

confused..and just about wtf in ny

i agree, all. i think i am the type to overcompensate due to my guilt feelings....buit darn it.....i hate to say it but i really feel that i cannot stand being here in the home i pay for today i picked up my daugther and we rode around for 2 hours..just to be gone..goes to show i do not want to be here in my own home which i pay for. i think i will seek a therapist.....thanks all. i have lots to think of and lots to face up to...