Falling Apart

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Good morning everyone! Another rainy day here. But I'm feelin good. I'll check in when I get to work.

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Caught my mom off guard this morning. I'm not a morning person at all and me and my mom don't see eye to eye on most things. Well she's having surgery today so I made it a point to go into her room and tell her good luck and that I love her. She looked shocked and I swear was about to cry. She just said I'll be alright and I said I know you will.
That is in part because of the new me. Some of you might be shocked that I wouldn't have done that in past. But like I said my mom and me have had a strained relationship. She never accepted who I am and my independent streak. But that doesn't bother me.

[one2many]

Falling Apart

Awhh that is fantastic SK8, I bet that meant a lot to both of you......nothing more needs to be elaborated on....you both know. x

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Well I'm all about letting the past be just that. Others in my life seem to want to live there at the moment (GF). I more than anyone know now that people can change. And even though you can't change other people you can show them your different then what they think you are.
Through all this I've realized my inner strength. I kinda like blowing peoples expectaions of me outta the water. That is deadly awesome.

[OverIt2007]

Falling Apart

Hey Sk8!

I get the feeling from your posts, that your confidence is really starting to grow. You just seem more and more at peace to me. You feeling that way too? Just an observation on my part, hope things are going well for you today.

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

My confidence is slowly growing. Defenitly have more self respect. I am at peace with myself now. In a good place and happy with myself. Kinda strange feeling like this just gotta get used to it. Like sobrity. Funny how its so easy to spot the negative now.

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Well I guess I can take comfort in the fact my meltdown that caused all this was no where as bad as Jewels ex email. Still I do feel bad that I did that. I was completly wasted and angry which isn't really an excuse. But it happened. I've forgiven myself alothough the other parties haven't . I've also come one hell of a long way since that night. That must mean something. The fact that I hated what I became so much that I've devoted over 104 days to continue to change myself and find out why I let that happen. Really the answer is simple I hated myself and was angry at myself. So I hope you all don't think of me in the same light as that douchebag.

[one2many]

Falling Apart

That douchbag is not fit to lick your boots either.

[Ringing Cedars]

Falling Apart

I've said some pretty wicked nasty things drunk too Sk8. Hell I can say'em sober! lol People can change but some can't and the trick in relationships to me is to figure out who can and can't as quick as you can. I'm glad you have learned to forgive yourself. They say the hardest people to forgive is ourselves and God.

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Thanks Oney and RC. To be honest my stomache did a flip when I read that this morning since that night I did something similar, just not as harsh as that. And I wouldn't say I've fully forgiven myself since I do still ffeel guilty about it. but I'm not that person anymore.

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

For my counseling I've been focusing on where my self esteem problems lye since she can't really tell. Well I may have had a breakthrough but I gotta figure how to write it out. Never know when inspiration is gonna hit.

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Alright like I said this week I've had to write down any time I felt my self esteem was low. And so far nothing. My counsler wanted me to do this cause she doesn't know where to start as she doesn't really see any problems. Well she's kinda right my self esteem isn't that bad. I mean I like me, I like who I am, I'm secure in myself, I dress and look diffrently, I don't conform to what most consider "normal", I've been known to make a complete jackass in public sober to get people to laugh and not care, I'm a good caring person even more so now. Where my self esteem tanks is with girls especially in relationships. I don't feel I deserve to be loved, I don't think there is anything I can offer anyone. Theres no reason for any girl to like me. I'm a complete wreck when it comes to girls. In relationships I tend to fall head over heels with someone who likes me quickly. When first in a relationship my self esteem soars like most peoples. But somewhere along the way all my insecurities come to the surface. I wait for things to fail and then my depression takes over.
Is any of that even related to self esteem? Whatever it is I'm going to tell my conusller about it. Just curious as to what you guys think it could be. Am I codependent? Do I place to much importance on my relationships and the girls I'm involved with? I know I'm painfully shy. I'm best in situations like this or work where people get to know the real me. Thats why I never really had a problem meeting girls in school or at bars I frequented. Well at least I know what to work on whatever it is.
I guess a little of that came out in the post last night about the online dating. While looking at it sure there were a few I found attractive but my first thoughts are what would she see in me?, I
m not good enough for her etc...Its weird how on one hand I'm self confident but on the other I'll completly tear myself down. Even more so now that I'm a recovering alcoholic on anti depressents with a 2 year old son. Geez I'm a mess. At least I'm working on this stuff. Funny how Jewels thread made me realize all this crap. How I don't know but it did.

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

For you RC. Here's the best I could find of me smiling

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Good morning everyone. Still feelin good here. Yet another grey and dreary morning. Makes it even harder for me to wake up.

[OverIt2007]

Falling Apart

Good Morning SK8!

Im rushing round late for work.... Hope you do have a good day!

By the way, I would NEVER put you in the same catagory as that piece of crap bothering Jewel!! Not even close my friend... Geesh!

Ok gotta run!!!!!