Falling Apart

[sk8punk]

Not falling apart sobriety wise. Got 37 AF days behind me. Unfortunatly since day 29 I've fallen apart emotionally. Sunk into a very bad depression. This week I learned my girlfriend can't have me back in her life because of her kids. My counsler diagnosed me with Dysthemia basically chronic depression I've suffered from since I was 12 or 13 (I'm 36 now). I made a appointment to see a doctor to get put on antidepressents.
Honestly the only time I don't feel down is the few hours I get to spend time with my almost 2 year old son. But it comes with a price. I'm just reminded of what I have lost and how alcohol has destroyed my life. I feel like my girlfriend has turned her back on me since she hasn't spoken with me in 5 weeks. I'm sorry for venting I just don't have anyone else. I feel so lost and hopeless. I hope antidepressents will help. I just don't want to feel this pain.

[Lavande]

Falling Apart

Congrats on your 37 AF days - that's terrific work
Be proud of your progress & keep going, you'll never be sorry.

I think a lot of us live with some degree of depression, diagnosed or not. Personally, I tried to medicate my depression away with a bottle or more of wine every night. Obviously, it didn't work.
Hopefully your doc can provide some relief!

Stay close to the threads, keep reading & learning. Knowing you have a ton of company here helps!

Best wishes for continued success!

Lav

[Farm Girl]

Falling Apart

Congrats on 37 days, that's a big deal. It is hard to deal with so much and try to be AF too - but in the long run it really is the only way to deal with life - as messy and unpredictable as it may be. Don't be too hard on yourself, you can't change the past so make some kind of peace with it. And you have your son to think about - focus on him and what you want for him. That might help some. Good luck with the antidepressants, they do work and they might help balance things out....Wishing you the best!!!

[fennel]

Falling Apart

So sorry to hear that...I take it these other kids are not yours? All I can say is keep going the way you are...stick to the path, do as you have been, see your counselor...you never know how things may eventually turn out. At least you can still see your little guy. Your changed behavior may lead to other rewards. Hang in there...:l

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Thanks everyone. I'm really glad I found this place. I added a picture of me and my son from today. First picture of me sober or not hung over for a long time. I look at it and like what I see. I see a positive future for me and him.
Yes the other 2 boys are from her previous marriage (we never were married). Its just so hard for me to make peace with the past. Knowing I was the one who caused all this pain in everyones life. I just get so down on myself. Never did have great self esteem. I'm very proud that I can handle all these emotions with out AL. It's very hard though. I don't know what my girlfriend is feeling. Like I said I haven't talked or seen her in 5 weeks. All arrangements to see my son are made through my dad. I've written her numerous times and never got a response until last Monday. It hurts to know she made that decision with out seeing or talking to me and seeing the progress I've made. She only remembers what I was. Its so sad that you don't know what you have until its gone. That is especially true through sober eyes.
Its so weird I used to drink to numb my emotions. Now its as if every emotion humans have are hitting me all at once.

[papmom3]

Falling Apart

What a great pic SK8!! You two are too cute for words! You hang in there for you and him OK? You are doing just great and things will sort themselves out as long as you stay sober. If communication is through your dad, then she is hearing about your progress. It's just going to take a while for her to believe it. Maybe she'll open up the lines of communication at some point, maybe not. But at least you can see your son and be there for him, sober and in the moment, not hungover and wishing you weren't or worse, wishing you were in bed nursing it. I think the depression is very normal even if you've never been through it before as well as feeling all the different emotions. I'm on my third month (with a couple of slipups) and just now coming out of a month long bout with feeling bluer than I've ever felt in my life. I hope your doc will be able to help you and if meds are the way to go then I hope they help as well. Keep up the good work.

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Thanks Papmom! He really is my pride and joy. I am doing this for me and him. He really is my saving grace right now. Just wish I could be there for him all the time.
Maybe time is all that is needed for me and my relationship. Funny I can't even forgive myself yet so I don't know why I think she should forgive me. I think this whole thing would be alot easier for me if I knew she was in my corner. It feels like I'm fighting a war on to many fronts right now. Right when I feel I got something under control another two problems blindside me. I know I'm going to emerge from this wreckage of my life a better and stronger person.

[AMELIA]

Falling Apart

Hi Sk8,
You look great! I know it is hard at the moment with your ex. It is early days though. Keep up the good work with your sobriety and you will probably be able to mend your relationship with her over time. She probably doesn't trust your new situation just yet.
Your son is such a cutie!! Just keep on working on you and your sobriety and things are more likely to work out in a harmonious way. Congratulations on your 37 days too.

[OverIt2007]

Falling Apart

Hi Sk8Punk, Nice to meet you. I hope you are feeling better today. I think its awesome so many of us decided to put up our real pictures. Its rather liberating I think. I hope your emotions balance out soon. Give it time as well? Your at the beginning of a sobriety journey, there are bound to be ups and downs.

Your a great looking guy! And such an adorable son too. Im a single Mom of a little boy as well. Just focus on him first, Im sure you are. Dont worry so much! I know, easier said than done. In the big plan of life, if you are truly meant to be back with your girlfriend, it will happen over time. You have to be patient with that aspect, but you need to be kind to yourself as well. You caused others pain, but you also caused yourself alot of pain. You need to forgive yourself so you can move on too!

You got some serious sobriety time under your belt, you should be really proud of yourself. And your son's love is what matters the most and you know he loves you. Be the kind of man he can be proud of. Start with working on you first, then let the other details of life fall into place as they will.

Hugs to you,

[Panno]

Falling Apart

Hi Sk8punk - you two look great together, keep hanging in on there the best of times are yet to come. Your ex will need time to trust you again and she will just keep focused on the future and the past will take care of itself. Fantastic on your 37 AF days :goodjob:

[BUDDY BLACK]

Falling Apart

SK8,well done on your af days your kicking ass, so sorry to hear of your family situation. OVERITS words are so true,you stay sober and well, life will take care of itself. In af time , Im right behind you,my life is slowly getting better but having the alcohol fog gone is the best. All the damage we cause from drinking took time and the repairs will take time. proud of you, hang in there b.b. pm anytime!

[mama bear]

Falling Apart

Hi Sk8....antidepressants have saved me...I take effexor and it is a god send....good luck to you and ditto what Over It said...your son is the most important thing.....I think that's why alot of us are here....to be better parents
Stength and Love

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Thanks for all the kind words and compliments. Like I said I don't have great self esteem. So I don't see myself as you see me but it does make me smile to read that.
Myself and my son is defiently my main focus. I just get sidetracked with the heartbroken feelings that come up. I do agree that everything just needs time. Even my counsler thinks that in time my ex will come around. My counsler also thinks its time for me to rejoin the living before I slip into complete isolation. The hard part is I have no friends. I would love to go skating alot more than I have been, I miss playing guitar and doing art. But I just don't have the energy to do any of it. At least not right now. I do think going to the doc and getting put meds might be the best thing for me. This chemical imbalance has held me down for to long. I need to live and fully experience joy in life instead of forcing a smile because I know that the situation should be making me happier than I am feeling.

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Overit I agree with you about the real pictures too. It is liberating. Makes me feel I'm not hidding from my problems, I'm taking them on in broad daylight toe to toe eye to eye.

[one2many]

Falling Apart

Wow, what a beautiful child and a handsome Dad!! You look so close the pair of you..fab pic.

I echo what all the others have said sk8....Good on you for making the positive steps forward.....

All beginnings require that you unlock a new door.

The very best of luck to you and know that we are here if you need us xxx