Falling Apart

[OverIt2007]

Falling Apart

Happy Sunday Sk8,

You seem to be in a bit of better spirits today Sometimes a day can really can make a big difference.

I have talked to doctors about antidepressants, and both doctors said that they can make a huge difference in someones life. If you think they might help, then go for it. You seem to have the classic symptoms of depression when you say you dont have the energy to do the things you once loved to do. Thats a red flag of depression right there.

Give it a shot! Im sorry you are having matters of the heart as well, but thats something almost everyone in life goes through at one time or another. I've certainly had my share of heartbreaks and disappointments. Im not downplaying your hurt at all, but I do see you emerging on the other side a much wiser and stronger person down the road with or without your girlfriend. She will always be in your life if you share your little boy. Time will tell how it will work out. Perhaps even she has some personal growth to do as well???

Keep posting. Everyone on here would love to see your success, as I know you have it in you.

Hugs,

Overit

[redredwine]

Falling Apart

congrats on the days AF, well done!

your ex is probably saying to herself, "let's wait and see"

re antidepessents, get one that you get off without withdrawal symprtoms. I was on prozac and later seroxat and it took me tears to get of them. I wasn't adicted as such, the side effects of withdrawal were so awful that I went back on the drug to avoid the withdrawal. St John's Wort is a natural alternative.

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

A little better today Overit. I actually forced myself to go out today. Went to the bookstore and picked up a few skate magazines to help me get my mind off things. Then I went to the skatepark. Didn't really do any full blown skating but I did roll around for a bit. Skating takes alot of energy and concentration. I'm just not in that place yet.
Dealing with this heartbreak and my normal depression has really got me in a stranglehold. I want to move on with my life but my heart and mind keep pulling me back down. Just so many things keep bringing up memories. Things i haven't thought about in years, things that used to make me happy but now just bring me down. I guess thats my brain drying out too.
Thanks for the tip on meds. I read that last night about the withdrawls. I'll have to let my doctor know that is a concern.
Thanks everyone.

[papmom3]

Falling Apart

hey SK8-You are sounding better and good for you on getting out and about and actually trying to skate a bit. Remember, all of your free time before was dedicated to AL-your brain will take some time to get used to the different mindset. I do think the meds will help in your case (like I'm such an expert LOL!!). I almost asked my doc for some last month the blues were so bad I could barely stand it but they went away for now and now I feel good. I don't have your history tho so it's not a good analagy but I just wanted you to know that others feel your pain. Keep reading and posting and reading and posting. It's what has saved me many a nite when the cravings got too strong. Good luck with the appointment this week. We'll be thinking of you and waiting for your update if you feel like sharing.

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Hey Papmom. I'm going to try to post in this thread at least once a day. Kinda like a open diary of my progress so feel free to read and contribute.
It it hard to readjust to a AF life style. I still feel out of my element. I do feel healthier though (physically not mentally). I do have to find myself again. I know what I am (a dad, skater/punk, generally good person) but I don't know "who" I am. If that makes any sense.
While I still do miss and love my ex the most frustrationg thing is the complete lack of communication about my son. I feel that its important for him to see that mom and dad can still get along for his wellfare. She may hate my guts right now but I think he doesn't need to see that.

Anyway talk to you all later tonight or tommorrow. Stay sober!

[dancingon]

Falling Apart

Hey Sk8. Maybe now you've been apart for a while and you are sober you can ask her to meet and talk about your son. Not with him there, of course, and on neutral ground. Failing that scenario, can you write to her about how you feel?

I have no idea how she feels about you, but if you make it clear you have your boy's interests at heart she may be willing.

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Talking still seems out of the question. I have tried writing but I get no response. Its like she rather just not deal with me on any level. That's why this situation is so hard and confusing to me.
I'm doing alright today. Trying very hard to but the past behind me. Its hard to just forget about someone you love. Even if she is treating me like this.

[redredwine]

Falling Apart

Skatepunk, keep on posting. I don't know if I will be able to make it through today myself.

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Hang in there Red. Hope I'm not bringing you down. I'm at work so I can only check this on my phone.

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

As I said I'm going to post here everyday. Today wasn't to bad. Still have all the feelings I did but I seemed to handle them better. I am trying to move on. Ironically this came to my email today so I thought I'd share it with you all. Perfect timing since I am working on forgiving myself.

Freedom Through Forgiveness

-Devlyn Steele


Who has not been hurt, disappointed or really let down by someone in their lives? Maybe even worse, heart broken, lied to, cheated by or on by someone? The things we can do to each other from small to unspeakable are not the nice part of the human experience. Even still, they are part of our journey. Big or small, we will all suffer emotional pain caused by the behavior of others.

The tragedy of these negative events live on way beyond the moment. In fact, these painful episodes can live with us forever if we let them. They persist in our minds and have power over us. They effect our happiness, our ability to trust, to love and be loved. Negative experiences by the hand of another have a powerful imprint on our minds and our lives. We are able to feel the intensity of the pain way beyond the moment that the pain is inflicted. In fact, the intensity of the pain can get more severe as we focus on it and relive it in our minds years and years later.

The ability to experience pain beyond the moment can have us trapped, suffering by the actions of others as long as we continue to focus on it. Our bodies are much nicer to us in letting go of the experience of physical pain than we are to ourselves holding on to emotional pain. We have all stubbed our toe at some point or another...geez can that hurt. If you are like me you have done more than once ... ouch. I even broke my toe once ... ouch ouch. Okay, now I want you to concentrate on the experience, remember stubbing your toe, focus on it. Focus really hard.

No matter how hard you focus on it and remember the experience you cannot relive the pain. You cannot feel the pain you had then now. If you could, we would walk around in pain all the time or could hurt ourselves to the same level of the actual physical experience over and over again by just thinking about it. No, our bodies are smart, once the pain we experienced in the moment is over we can never feel the pain again from that moment. We do not have the same luxury with our emotional pain as we can re-experience pain when we focus on it over and over again.

Often what keeps us held a prisoner to thinking about the pain is our anger towards the person or event that was the cause of our pain. That anger keeps us thinking about what happened. The angrier we are the more we focus on it. As we focus on it, we relive the experience and feel the pain over and over again. What you need to realize is that the event, the moment that caused the emotional pain is over. The only thing that keeps that moment alive is the fact that you are thinking about it. The moment you do not think about it, it no longer is happening. It is not happening because it really is not happening, it already happened. What is happening right now is what is happening right now.

The irony is that the person who was the cause of this pain, that person is not thinking about it. The person involved has moved on and is living his or her life while you are stuck living the event of what they did. The road to you be free of holding on to that anger and living that moment endlessly is forgiving that person and you yourself moving on. The same is true of an event, meaning a hurricane might have blown your house down ... forgive and move on, don't stay in anger destroying the quality of your peace of mind.

When I tell people how forgiveness is the way to achieve freedom and peace in your life, I am often met with resistance. Forgiveness is a hard pill for someone who has suffered at the hand of another to swallow. The feelings are often that certain things are unforgivable. Further, forgiveness feels as though you are condoning the act, that you are saying what the person did is okay. To this, there is a great misunderstanding of what forgiveness in these situations mean.

When people hear that someone who has been wronged is able to forgive the perpetrator of the act, they think the person forgiving is an amazingly kind person who is selfless. That in order to forgive, maybe you don't really care what that person did, or that you are trying to be holy. What might surprise you is that forgiveness has nothing to do with any of that, not caring, being kind, holy or selfless. In fact, forgiveness is a very selfish act.

In order to understand what forgiveness is really about you need to let go of your anger. The anger is controlling you and clouding your vision. What you are really saying when you forgive someone is that they no longer have a hold on you. That you will not live tormented by what they did. That you are releasing them from your mind. You are forgiving that person not for them, but for yourself.

I wish you the ability to forgive the causes of the pains you have suffered and let them go. In that you will be free to live without the past dictating your experiences today. Forgive and become free, free to not let the past control how you experience your life today

[OverIt2007]

Falling Apart

Wow, thats some good stuff! I hope you ARE forgiving yourself.

Sk8, I really have no idea what pain you brought to your girlfriend, but as a mother myself, I get the feeling she could be making more of an effort, for your son. I dont know the situation, but perhaps she could be making some better choices too? Its just very rare that one person does everything wrong while the other bears no blame for nothing.

Hope your doing better, you seem to be

[daybyday]

Falling Apart

sk8punk, good you are posting on here regularily, it sure helped me get threw the beginning of getting AF. Also, great you are seeing a Dr. to help on your new journey. If you are having depression or obessive thoughts of your ex and the past then a Dr. may be able to suggest something to help you with this. Your energy and enthusiasm for life will come back, just give it all the time it needs right now. You really need to be very kind to yourself right now, take breaks and let yourself do whatever kind thing you can do to get through all this. It is a lot you are going through. An extreme amount of change and emotion. Be kind to yourself, this is your journey you need to get healthy for. We can not always expect others to accept our changes in ourselves as quickly as we'd like, it is our journey we need to take care of. The rest will take care of itself. Big hug...be well.

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Overit, not to go into alot of detail right now, I'm still ashamed to tell what happened. There was no physical abuse just a lot of my drunken yelling that night, unfortunatly in front of her children and my son. She was very busy and spending alot of time away . In my depressed alcohol distorted reality I convinced myself she had to be cheating ( I've been cheated on in the past. I'm working on trust issues in counsling as well). Sober I knew she wasn't but as soon as I drank I thought different. So the whole thing was my fault. I can admit that. I do think she doesn't feel any blame for what happened. Even though I let her know my feelings she would brush them off. Making me feel even more insecure. Someday when I'm ready I'll share more. I know we've all done awful things while drunk, but I hope none of you think any less of me now.

Day, your right. I'm getting to that place now. I need to concentrate on getting myself through all this and let life work it self out. This is a very hard journey.

[dancingon]

Falling Apart

Sorry that's how it is Sk8. That's a lovely little boy you have and it's great that you want to be sober for him.
I guess we all get hurt and it takes time to get over it and trust again. She probably doesn't believe you are trying to change. Don't push it too much for a while. Her unbelief may affect your good intentions. Maybe at some stage you can involve a mediator who she trusts who can be a go-between

[OverIt2007]

Falling Apart

Sk8, we have all done things we regret while drinking. I've had my share of yelling and screaming, and even some violence with an old boyfriend. We would beat the crap out of each other drunk. It was bad. The fact that you said there was no violence does say alot, but I agree words can hurt too.

The fact that you are trying to CHANGE now is what matters. I hope she can see all the positive changes you are making, and one day be really proud and impressed with you. In time, forgiveness can happen. Just give it all time, like everybody says. Keep working on yourself, thats the best way all around to make things good for everybody.

Hope your having a good day, and stay sober! Join us on the ODAT thread if you like, it means One Day at a Time, and our goal on that thread is to get though just one day.