Falling Apart

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Hey everyone! Had a decent day. Tried to keep all the advice from here in mind. Just took today for what today was and remained positive. I focused on I what I have accomplished. And what is important to me.
OverIt funny you mention looking in the mirror...I can honestly say the day after everything happened I looked in the mirror and saw a man who had destroyed his life and world. I saw a man who had a drinking problem. I saw a man who needed to come clean. Since that day I haven't even thought about drinking. I knew I needed help and support and I went out and got it. Everyone on thie site has had a moment like this. It is probably the hardest yet bravest thing anyone can do is to admit to those around them that they have a problem.
Now I look in the mirror and see a changed man. A man more in touch with his feelings, weaknesses, and strenghts. I see a man who no longer runs from his mistakes but now turns and faces them. I'm not giving up on my realtionship. My gut and heart tells me it is not over and she does still love and care about me. I know she's as hurt and confused as I am. As wellas concerned for her children. Its going to take time and work on my part to prove that I am a sober/changed person. I have never felt this way in my life towards anyone (other than my son). I know this battle may be long but worth it. It may not even turn out as I hope but at least I'll know that I tried and gave it all I could give.

[KatieB]

Falling Apart

Hi again Sk8punk,
I am so so sorry to hear about your pain.. but you do have to look at the positives - you have a beautiful son to live for and to cherish your time with.. there are also lots of things you can do for yourself when you do not have your son.. its fantastic you have many AF days under your belt; anti-depressants sound like a good idea too - I am on them also and they have improved my mood heaps.. you need to see your life as moving forwards, not backwards.. what hobbies and activities do you enjoy? Eventually you may want to start dating again.. I am a single mum but I have my son with me most the time.. but when I dont have him, I make the most of my time alone - go to the movies, read books, explore the area where you live.. plus maybe join a group or club (AF of course!) where you can meet new people.. we are here for you too,
Katie xxx

[OverIt2007]

Falling Apart

Very wise words spoken Sk8, it seems you are on your way in the right direction. Good to see! I hope your girlfriend realizes that when someone really loves you, its a very special thing. Love is not easy to find. I know you will prove to her how much you love her in time and she will see it and all the changes you are making. My gut tells me as well you will be together again and it will be so good, you will never let it go, or let alcohol get in the way ever again. Just be patient. I know you are and your doing a great job, we see it.

[KatieB]

Falling Apart

sk8punk,
Also, if you show how much you have improved - like you said, you are getting help and getting yourself on track, she may indeed want you back; however, don't hanker for this.. as when truly healthy, we don't "need" anyone to complete us.. you have to love yourself first..
Katie xx

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Hey Katie and Over,
Thanks for the kind words. I finally feel that I am moving my life forward. Slowly but its going forward. Katie I wouldn't say I "need " her in my life. I want her in my life. I wouldn't quite say I love myself yet but I do respect myself alot more than I did a few months ago. I'm getting there. This is all going to take time. I've learned to listen to my inner voice instead of ignoring it.
That is why I post here everyday. By me putting my emotions, pain and problems out in the open it helps me understand myself more. Plus the words of encouragement and wisdom here always help me see the right direction.

[papmom3]

Falling Apart

Ahh SK8- what a great couple of posts from you today!! You got through the rough patch and learned from it. Good for you!! You are going to be one of the many success stories on this site-I just know it. Keep up the great work and keep posting. I look forward to your posts everyday.
:l

[KatieB]

Falling Apart

sk8punk;867657 wrote: Hey Katie and Over,
Thanks for the kind words. I finally feel that I am moving my life forward. Slowly but its going forward. Katie I wouldn't say I "need " her in my life. I want her in my life. I wouldn't quite say I love myself yet but I do respect myself alot more than I did a few months ago. I'm getting there. This is all going to take time. I've learned to listen to my inner voice instead of ignoring it.
That is why I post here everyday. By me putting my emotions, pain and problems out in the open it helps me understand myself more. Plus the words of encouragement and wisdom here always help me see the right direction.

Yes, I am sorry sk8punk.. I was putting things too simply; I have been where you are before when I have loved, when you love someone, of course you want them in your life.. you are doing so well.. sending you strength and love,
Katie x :l

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Katie,

No need to apoligize. It was a simple misunderstanding. I do know what you were getting at. It is very important to love one self. Not doing that is the reason so many of us are here today. Only we can make changes for the better. We can't do it for other people or reasons. We have to want it or we will just fail in the long run

[KatieB]

Falling Apart

sk8punk;867676 wrote: Katie,

No need to apoligize. It was a simple misunderstanding. I do know what you were getting at. It is very important to love one self. Not doing that is the reason so many of us are here today. Only we can make changes for the better. We can't do it for other people or reasons. We have to want it or we will just fail in the long run

very well put.. and not loving myself is the main reason I fell into the AL trap.. at least you know that loving yourself is important.. but loving others is the next step! I feel I am ready to do that now.. i have often driven ppl away due to lack of love for myself and resultant self-destructive behaviours...

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

That's how I fell into the AL trap too Katie. And much like you my self destructive tendencies drove people away. Like I said earlier I wouldn't say I love myself yet. But I'm getting there. I do finally respect myself enough to know that drinking will not help me with anything.

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Gonna try to keep my positive outlook going. I'll let you all know how it goes after work.

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Had a alright day today. Wouldn't call it good wouldn't call it bad. the devil on my shoulder was trying to pull me down into my past but I managed to fight it off.
I know this entire struggle I'm going through isn't going to be easy. But it is good to know that my attitude really has a effect on how I deal with the day. I did feel sort of lonely today but I think I'm getting used to it at this point. I know I got to start getting out more but right now I just don't really have the energy. Plus when I'm out I feel sort of akward around people. My counsler says that is me feeling vunrilable around people since my shield (alcohol) is gone.
I still can't believe how reliant we become on drinking. No wonder its called a crutch. I used it so much to deal with life that with out it I feel like I'm learning to walk again.

[Ringing Cedars]

Falling Apart

Hi SK8...lonliness is a tough one for me. It's a big part of why I'm here. Although I've been told it isn't a chat room here...I believe it is a lifeline for chatting when we have a common problem, to whatever degree it has been for us. If you are able to jump into chat and feel like it, it is alot of fun (just sit back and take it in sometimes) and you can always do a private chat if you really need to sound off un-publicly. I can't do that from here, but wish I could. You are doing so well. Thanks for your journal and stay strong!

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Hi RC, Hope things are going good for you. Yeah lonliness does suck. But like you thats why I come here. Funny thing is I'm a only child so you would think I'd be used to it. Seems over the past few years I've gotten used to a house full of people. I think what I feel is more of a emotional lonliness right now. Like a void left in me from the alcohol and my ex. Hope that makes sense.
I'll have to try the chat one day when I feel up to it.

[Ringing Cedars]

Falling Apart

hey sk8 things are ok...thanks to yakking here, good friends and self assessment. I am in no position to give advice, but commend you on your yakking and self assessment! We all seem to feel lonely even with family and friends on our side. I'm not sure why that is. Trying to figure out why I always seem to resonate with folks but still feel on the outside, in my own world. I hope that doesn't bring you down. Just saying. I have no real dad and step sis has her own probs, so I feel like an only child too. As many can attest to being in a relationship is sometimes worse than being single. Having said that...I hope that you can rebuild what you had with your ex, cuz that it is what you want. If not, you need to be straight for you son to be involved as you are doing.