Falling Apart

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Night Oney, Yeah I'm starting to see it that way Mama. I've been feeling this comming on for a week or so now. I've done everything I can possiblely think of to open communication and nothing. How many times can a door be slammed in your face before you knock on another door? Maybe the realtionship was going down hill before that night and I didn't notice cause I was always drunk. Like I said I'm not out trying to pick up girls but if someone I could be interrested in falls in my lap (um no pun intended...I think LOL) then that has to be fate trying to tell me something.

[mama bear]

Falling Apart

Good Attitude sweet friend...you'd be a catch!!
Tats and all:H:H

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Thanks Mama...a colorful catch I guess. Don't really consider myself a catch but all of you are helping my self confidence daily. Now if only I could start believing in myself.

[OverIt2007]

Falling Apart

Just give it a bit more time, see if anything happens with her in the next few weeks or so. I agree, your life should not be on hold forever. Thats not fair.

Just to let you know, the dating world rather sucks, well for me at least. If you do end up back in the dating world I hope you have much better experiences than I do! But then again, these Florida men, Im not kidding... they well... SUCK!

[KatieB]

Falling Apart

sk8punk,
How are you going? It sounds like your self-esteem is improving.. remember, we are all human and we all have faults.. no-one is perfect, despite what some people like to think! We have all done things we regret, and things in which we are not proud.. however, you show great insight and courage.. its fantastic you really want to turn you life around.. for you first, and your little one.. you can do this! It sounds like you are entering a phase of tremendous personal growth,
katie xx

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

OverIt2007;898457 wrote: Just give it a bit more time, see if anything happens with her in the next few weeks or so. I agree, your life should not be on hold forever. Thats not fair.

Just to let you know, the dating world rather sucks, well for me at least. If you do end up back in the dating world I hope you have much better experiences than I do! But then again, these Florida men, Im not kidding... they well... SUCK!

Yeah I'm not doing anything yet. But I'm not looking forward to the dating scene if thats the case. Funny thing with me is I don't think I ever "dated" anyone. I either have a immediate conection with you or i don't. I've never had that I think you're kinda cool lets hang out and see where this goes. It's more like I like you lets go out and next thing I know I'm in a relationship. My shortest relationship was a year, the longest was 6 or 7 years. This current one would be 5 years next month. I think you know what I mean. Funny but I feel like myself again, I mean predrinking me. With the wacky sunglasses and my out look on life, just the way I feel about myself. Somehow that always seems to get lost somewhere along the way in relationships. I don't know what happens. What originaly attracts me to them becomes too much at some point and it gets lost.

Hey Katie, glad to see you doing good. Yeah alot of personal growth here. Still trying to sort somethings out but its getting there.

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Oh the thing is my life really is on hold. All I do is go to work then come home to my parents house and think about my problems. Go to counsuling and the doctors. I don't really have a "life" except on saturdays with my son. Meanwhile nothing has changed in her life has changed except the fact I'm not there. And for all I know she could be seeing someone else. Now you can see where I'm getting a bit bitter from all the rejection.

[Doggygirl]

Falling Apart

sk8punk;898471 wrote: Oh the thing is my life really is on hold. All I do is go to work then come home to my parents house and think about my problems. Go to counsuling and the doctors. I don't really have a "life" except on saturdays with my son. Meanwhile nothing has changed in her life has changed except the fact I'm not there. And for all I know she could be seeing someone else. Now you can see where I'm getting a bit bitter from all the rejection.

Just playing devil's advocate for a moment. Maybe the part I highlighted is really the heart of the matter. I don't think it's fair for us to rely on someone else to be our source of activity and happiness. But I sure used to do that. It was Mr. Doggy's job to keep me happy and if I was bored, lonely, or some other negative thing, then it was his fault for not doing his job.

Maybe that is the kind of relationship that works for some people, but for me and Mr. Doggy it wasn't working very well. Since getting sober, I have worked to develop a happy state that is independent from him. We have never been closer. Seems odd, but for many of us (him being one, and me being another) a "needy" person is just not what we are looking for.

Why not focus on enjoying your son, being a good Dad, and finding your sober self? A self that is out enjoying life instead of sitting at your folks house focusing on your problems? Maybe just some time for YOU without her or any other woman.

For so many years I thought I just could NOT be happy at ALL without a man in my life. I am finding that the real problem was inside of me all along. A man can't "fix" what was lonely in me. Only I can do that.

Just a little food for thought. I'm also just curious how long you think drinking was causing stress, worry or other problems for your X? (longer than 82 days?)

DG

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Ok here is an exact email I sent her today. Probably the last for awhile cause my head hurts from banging it against a wall. Now be completely honest and tell me what you would think if you got this message and would you respond. Yes I'm asking you to put yourself in the shoes of someone who watched me, completely wasted rant, rave and yell at everybody in the house. I was completly out of my mind drunk on a half a bottle of rum and a few beers. Also bleeding because I had sliced my finger on saw blade in the basement while getting a beer. So know that you're in that mindset here is a message you get 84 days after this happened.

Today is 83 days sober. One week until 90. Sometimes I can't believe I've been able to do this. But I am. I'm enjoying life alot more now through sober eyes. Sure lifes not perfect but it's better then being drunk, hungover and miserable all the time. I don't know how I functioned for as long as I did, staggering through life not fully feeling or experiencing things. I used alcohol to escape or deal with problems or to fit in. You know what it never helped. The next day the problems would still be there and there is no escaping from yourself.
Every once in awhile I'll have these revelations wash over me. Like with Aaron on Saturday. I looked at him and thought this little dude is awsome! And I'm his dad! I love being a dad! I would give my life for him and not think twice. He really is the best of both of us in one person. It does make me sad that I screwed up and I'm not there for him all the time. But I'm doing the best with what time I do get.

Take Care Of Yourself, I Love You,

Oh Aaron is my son. All other names have been with held to protect the innocent LOL.

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Doggygirl;898479 wrote: Just playing devil's advocate for a moment. Maybe the part I highlighted is really the heart of the matter. I don't think it's fair for us to rely on someone else to be our source of activity and happiness. But I sure used to do that. It was Mr. Doggy's job to keep me happy and if I was bored, lonely, or some other negative thing, then it was his fault for not doing his job.

Maybe that is the kind of relationship that works for some people, but for me and Mr. Doggy it wasn't working very well. Since getting sober, I have worked to develop a happy state that is independent from him. We have never been closer. Seems odd, but for many of us (him being one, and me being another) a "needy" person is just not what we are looking for.

Why not focus on enjoying your son, being a good Dad, and finding your sober self? A self that is out enjoying life instead of sitting at your folks house focusing on your problems? Maybe just some time for YOU without her or any other woman.

For so many years I thought I just could NOT be happy at ALL without a man in my life. I am finding that the real problem was inside of me all along. A man can't "fix" what was lonely in me. Only I can do that.

Just a little food for thought. I'm also just curious how long you think drinking was causing stress, worry or other problems for your X? (longer than 82 days?)

DG

No I see what your saying DG. That's not all I do. But it was for the first month back here. Problem is where I am I don't know anyone. All my friends from work live to far from here so no matter what I do I'm alone. I'm not relying on her to be my source of happiness etc. I do feel I'm at a really good point in my life and continuing to grow. I'm back into art, music and skating. Just kind of tired of doing things by myself all the time.
I do focus alot on my son during the week when I don't see him. Come up with games for us to play or look for new playgrounds to go to things like that.

I guess what it really comes down to is I miss my family. And yes maybe I am still kicking myself over my mistakes a little.

[OverIt2007]

Falling Apart

As far as the email you wrote, I think it was written very very well. It was brief, but to the point. I also like that you did not do alot of "begging" in it, but kept it simple. You made it clear you have been working on yourself and you are changing for the better, to be a better partner and father.

I think you already know how I would personally respond, (would want to see you most likely and be willing to forgive) but as she is someone else, I do not know how she would react. Guess none of us can know what shes feeling but her. I personally would have had some serious tears in my eyes reading that email.

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Well DG got me thinking, as she usually does. So I went to get a shower cause that where I do my best thinking (keep your mind out of the gutter, I know this thread LOL). SeriouslyI do think I have a little more soul searching to do. I'm torn between sticking it out and moving on. I do know I'm nowhere near a point where i should be starting a new relationship. Don't really need to get other people caught up in this mess. Maybe I'm just trying to do a preemptive strike where if she doesn't want me back I could be like fine I've moved on anyway. I've done that before in other parts of my life. Like make fun of myself to beat others to the punch.
I just have to make sure I want to go back for the right reasons and not just because it would avoid a huge change in my life. Same for the other way I have to make sure I want to meet someone new for the right reasons, not just because I'm lonely.
So I'm going to give everything a few more weeks and see what happens and see how I grow in that time.

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Now to lighten things up a little here's a picture....Following in daddy's footsteps? Don't know hopefullly in some ways but not in others. Whatever makes him happy makes me happy. Watch out ladies cause here's the newest heartbreaker on the block!

[OverIt2007]

Falling Apart

I think that sounds like a great idea.. See what the next couple of weeks bring. Who knows?

We just had one hell of a storm passing through this area, and my son asks "Mom why does God make storms". I just said, sometimes in life there are storms. Thats just the way it is.

Catch you later Sk8r, and heres hoping all our storms pass soon.


Awwwwwwww, what a little cutie! Its so easy to see why your such the Proud Papa!!!!

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Later Over, Just remember all storms to blow over. He really is the one thing in life I can say I'm proud of!