Falling Apart

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Right on Wanna! That's where I've been for awhile now. There is no going back. I don't want to be that person anymore. "Death to the old flesh" as they say in Videodrome. What ever happens is going to be with the new me. Trick is getting them to see the new us. Time is what it going to take. Sounds like you've got a good counsuler. Mine is trying to do the same with me. Let go of the past so you can move forward.

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Well here it is day 90. I wish I had some words of wisdom for all of you trying to get here but honestly I don't. I know each of you can but every situation is different so the paths are going to be different. When I decided I had to stop drinking that was it. I didn't set any goals. I just told myself thats it your done and I haven't looked back. Those who have been following my story know I also have Dysthymia. So for over half my life I've been on a up and down ride with depression. I really only remember the up periods. The slide down was always graduale. I never saw myself becoming depressed. But looking back I can also see how my drinking followed the ups and down. When up I drank like normal people can. But when down my drinking verged on self destructive. Drinking only brought out the worst in me. Jealously, anger, rage, paranoia, and even more depression. So the negative definatly out weighs anything I was trying to overcome with drinking (shyness and low self esteem).
I just see the number of days sober like mile posts on a road. The higher the number the further from my old self and past I am.

[KatieB]

Falling Apart

Hi Sk8punk,
You are doing so amazingly well.. you should be very proud of yourself!
I can see myself in you in many ways.. I also did not notice my slide into depression, until I became self-destructive and ended up in hospital.. like you say, drinking just exacerbates depression and makes everything worse.. I knew this before, but decided to self-destruct anyway a month ago as i could not handle my ex's harrassment or the police's inaction for a year! But now, I know I want to get better and not drink to deal with things anymore.. and now, I feel more powerful than ever! Drinking takes away our power, it takes away our rationality and our inner-survival skills.. i really do admire you, you are doing tremendously despite your difficulties..
Katie xx

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Thank you Katie. I have to admit it is still very strange for me to hear that I'm inspiring or being admired by some of you. I'm am flattered and happy that I am helping many of you. But low self esteem can be a bitch. LOL. To me it seems that so many of you have your shit way more together than me. I'm not kidding there are days I swear I'm on the verge or losing my mind.
One one hand I know I'm unique,caring,smart,funny,creative and good looking (so I've been told I don't see it.) But on the other hand I think no one likes me, I'm weird with a lot of problems and I don't deserve to be loved or happy. That is what I'm struggling with now. Perhaps its still shame over what happened 3 months ago. I don't know. I need to talk to my counsler about this in session this week.

[one2many]

Falling Apart

Hey SK8face!

KTAB posted this on the army thread and I think it resounds witha lot of us xxx

How to Work Through Feelings of Social Isolation | eHow.com

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Good morning everyone! Another day. Just gonna roll with whatever comes along today. Ill check out the link when I get to work Oney. I'm runnin late today.

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

At work now. Ugh. I'm tired today. Haven't slept good in weeks. I wake up at least 2 or 3 times a night. Trying to get in a positive mood today. I'm kinda nothing right now.

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

I just realized something. I was a good person before alcohol took over. I'm still that same person now that I don't drink. A lot of my struggle now is trying to become someone I'm not. No one is perfect thatas what makes us us. Yes I need to work on my self esteem. I need to be a little more positive. And I am working on that. I'm over analizing myself. I'm in a good place. I just need to work on the above from here. I need to really forgive myself for what happened and stop mourning the losses. That is hard and is holding me back.

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Speaking for myself I felt there was really something wrong with me because I became a alcoholic. Truth is there isn't. I just can't drink. I'm not the only one and honestly no one even has to know that about me. I just don't drink. Simple as that. My depression is a chemical imbalance. So I've been making myself feel like shit because I felt I was a head case. I'm not. I'm the same as I always was I just don't drink. Why is it the easiest things are always the hardest to see?

[Ringing Cedars]

Falling Apart

Hey Sk8r! Just a drop in to say hi! Just read your last couple posts there buddy. Are you perhaps analyzing the crap out of life today?? Go easy on yourself. Keep asking but give yourself some balance.

90 days seems to be a milestone for many things. DoggyGirl made a good point to K9 in the General threads if you haven't seen it.

[K9Lover]

Falling Apart

Hi Sk8!
RC was referring to a thread I started because I just feel "BLAH" these days (well, only the last day or two). I need to get my enthusiasm back for being sober. I guess the novelty does wear off eventualy, then real life sets in. The good news is I don't have any drama or issues I'm dealing with, just the ho-hum activity of everyday life. I guess it's fairly common to have these feelings. Looks like we're kinda on the same page today, and it may have something to do with where we're at in our sobriety. Let's work on being positive today
K9

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Hey K9, I checked your thread out and posted. Blah is exactly how I felt for the past few days too. Guess were just adjusting to sober life. Not much drama here either just the same old same old. RC is right everytime I feel like this I tend to over analize my life trying to figure out why I feel this way. Got to get used to just having feelings without a reason. I'm doing my best to stay positive and not just stare at the walls.

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

I read in K9s post that around this time is dangerous for relapse. Id be lying if I didn't say the thought of "screw it nothing has changed go have a drink" didn't pop into my head a few times today. Things have changed though. I'm different, better than I was. Sure my situation hasn't changed but it hasn't gotten worse either. Drinking would just destroy all I have accomplished. So no I'm not giving in to my old way of thinking. Gonna start birthday shoppin for my son after work just to keep busy.

[one2many]

Falling Apart

Ohh Birthdays....love kids birthdays....

What is he into?? What you planning on buying him..

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Um not sure some clothes. That's boring. He's into motorcycles right now so I'm gonna look for things like that. Don't know what's there but I'll let you know. I'm sure I'll throw in some skatebaord toys too. I used to get him punk and skate shirts but his mom would very rarely dress him in those unless it was a son and dad day out. Now she'd probably just throw them out.