Falling Apart

[one2many]

Falling Apart

That makes perfect sense SK8, you just put it into words for me!

[Ringing Cedars]

Falling Apart

I believe we were built for connection with others Sk8. But the danger is in putting all your eggs in one basket. Believe me I have suffered the emotional consequences of that as well....

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Glad it made sense. Sometimes the hardest part is getting my thoghts into words. Another hard thing for me is putting all this into practice. But I guess I can't expect results overnight and I'm on the right track. I got 13 years of negative thinking that need to reprogramed. Some are easy but others are still kicking my ass.

[rebirth]

Falling Apart

Yes it makes absolute sense. You cant make someone happy if you are not happy within yourself. But it's easier said than done.
I have had bouts of depression throughout my life but I have somehow managed to get myself out of them without help or need for medication nor councilling. I think I am really lucky that I can do this because life is completely different when you are depressed!It's certainly not easy and i really feel for people who get stuck in that black hole and have difficulty coming out of it. Like my ex husband for example.
I do not condemn people who commit sucide. People call it a selfish act. I see it as an indication that they were in terrible terrible pain.

I personally think its a good thing that you feel good when you are needed sk8. My son gives me a purpose in life. Isnt life about meaning and purpose? Some get it from religion, some from travelling, some from careers, andothers from other people…its one of those topics that I can discuss better than type.

I cant type fast and I keep correctly my spelling. Then I get logged out and have to start all over again. Ha ha

Things like that use to stress me out but I am tryin to keep things into perspective.

[rebirth]

Falling Apart

sk8punk;909630 wrote: Glad it made sense. Sometimes the hardest part is getting my thoghts into words. Another hard thing for me is putting all this into practice. But I guess I can't expect results overnight and I'm on the right track. I got 13 years of negative thinking that need to reprogramed. Some are easy but others are still kicking my ass.

well at least you are on the right track!

[one2many]

Falling Apart

rebirth;909637 wrote: Yes it makes absolute sense. You cant make someone happy if you are not happy within yourself. But it's easier said than done.
I have had bouts of depression throughout my life but I have somehow managed to get myself out of them without help or need for medication nor councilling. I think I am really lucky that I can do this because life is completely different when you are depressed!It's certainly not easy and i really feel for people who get stuck in that black hole and have difficulty coming out of it. Like my ex husband for example.
I do not condemn people who commit sucide. People call it a selfish act. I see it as an indication that they were in terrible terrible pain.

I personally think its a good thing that you feel good when you are needed sk8. My son gives me a purpose in life. Isnt life about meaning and purpose? Some get it from religion, some from travelling, some from careers, andothers from other people?its one of those topics that I can discuss better than type.

I cant type fast and I keep correctly my spelling. Then I get logged out and have to start all over again. Ha ha

Things like that use to stress me out but I am tryin to keep things into perspective.

Rebirth , when you log in, make sure you check the box Remember me and you wont get kicked out!

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Rebirth I do agree life has a purpose and meaning. I know that for me its not to be a depressed drunk! So yes my son is one of my purposes. People who commit suicide for the most part are at the end of their rope and in tremendous pain. I've never been to that point. I would be lying if I didn't say there where times I wished I was dead. But I think we've all said that at one point or another.

[rebirth]

Falling Apart

oooh. Oney thanks for that tip!! You have NO idea how much hassle you saved me with that one

Sk8Ii am definitely one of those who wanted to die a couple of times in my life. The first one was when I was 26. I suffered my first panic attacks from taking too many drugs. I was losing sense of reality and I was so frightened that I saw death as an excape. Thank God my higher power/ guardian angel was there to protect me. The second time was when I was 32 and my husband left me. Oh man was I depressed!! The pain was UNBEARABLE! I woke up crying. I just wanted to die. Thank God again for my guardian angel.

My son was born afterwards and I see why I had to live! He is my purpose in life! And being a drunk mum is NOT giving him my all. I have to remind myself that whenever I wallow in selfpity

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

My depression isn't as bad as some peoples. I think a lot of mine iss caused by myself and how I think about myself. Problem is this time I'm facing all my problems and doing it sober. Maybe I'm trying to take on to much at once and I'm getting overwelmed. Even by just focusing on me there is more than I can handle. Perhaps I should work on one thing a day. Kinda hard to fight a battle when the enemy is yourself. I know the answer doesn't lie with someone else its in me. First thing I need to do is find out why I'm so down on myself. Why can't I see me as others do?

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Ugh my head hurts from to much thinking today. I hit the nail on the head with me being overwelmed. What I really need to focus on first is my self esteem. My negative thinking is what is holding me back. I have accomplished a lot. I'm sober. I'm trying to be a good dad while dealing with his mom who is making things more difficult then they need to be. My depression is under check. Its just my negativity that keeps bringing back the ghosts of the past. Today was a day of what if, you should've , its your fault. I've forgiven myself but that past still haunts me. I'm not the only person who has made mistakes but I would have myself think that. I am better of then a lot off people and sadly probably happier then some. I don't judge others as harshly as I do myself. Like I said I'm my own worst enemy. Its time to stop doing that before I drive myself completly nuts. And I don't mean the good fum kind of nuts.

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

I'm feeling better now. Got my head screwed on right and I know what I have to do. Things aren't that bad and could always be worse. That should be my mantra.
I was reading Bungle's post about his slip up and it got me thinking. Yes I tried to quit in the past and always ended up drinking again. Some of you wonder what kind of strength it takes to give up drinking and not even think about it anymore. How can someone just say I'm done and stop for 90 plus days while going through a world of shit. Simple really, I see what alcohol has taken from me.

1. I now see my only son for 10 to 12 hours a week. It used to be 24/7
2. Lost the love and companionship of a beatiful woman and her two great boys.

Thats the price I paid for being a drunken idiot. Sure it could've been worse. I could of physically hurt someone or even killed someone when I left the house and got in my car. But thankfully I didn't. I still carry the guilt of those losses. I essentially broke my own heart. I did this to myself. I need to stop kidding myself. No matter how much I hope we'll get back together its probably not going to happen. I'll be lucky if I can have her as a friend someday. That is the reason for my self hate. You know how you feel towards someone that has broken your heart? Well thats how I feel looking in the mirror. I am the enemy. Some may be thinking that sounds like all the more reasons to drink. And I would agree with you. But and this is a big but. I have forgiven myself. I have defeated the enemy. How you ask? I stopped drinking. I'm not the person that I hate. I hate the alcoholic. Thats who destroyed my life. That person is not me anymore. I can not and will not allow that part of me to return ever again. Everything else I am dealing with now is all because of that. Now I am a good person. I am a good dad. I deserve to be happy and loved. I deserve to live life and I owe it to myself to let my past go and fade into a horriable memory. And yes finally, I am strong.

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Since I've open up and bleed in public as Duane Peters puts it with that last post I thought I share a song with everyone. Funny but this song makes me feel better.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8P09rxVaQAM[/video]]YouTube - Teddybears - Punkrocker Featuring Iggy Pop (VIDEO) radio edit audio

So my mom thought the air conditioner was broken. Turns out Aaron just turned the thermostat up to 90. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA Thats my boy!! Why do I find that so funny and great at the same time? Maybe cause I used to cause my mom headaches too?!?!

[OverIt2007]

Falling Apart

Hey Sk8'r!!!!

I hope you are in a bit of a "playful" mood because I have a song I want to dedicate to you, and actually its kinda MY song too!

Try to listen to the words, and choke through the song if you have to... HAHA. Sent to you with all the best in mind... he he!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ESdn0MuJWQ[/video]]YouTube - Jason Derulo - Ridin' Solo (Official Video in HD)

P.S. I know this is not your kind of music, and its a "Bit" cheesy, but I like the message! Good message!

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Hey Over I'm in a good mood but I'm looking on here via my phone so the audio sucks. I'll check out the video later when I can use headphones.

[OverIt2007]

Falling Apart

LOL Ok! Just take it in the light hearted way it was sent. Kinda to make you smile, but a good guy message in there too.