Falling Apart

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Alright I will. I do feel better since that one post. Feels like I held that shit in to long. Here's hopin tomorrow is a positive day. I know everyday is what we make it. Amazing how much I can bring myself down.

[Ringing Cedars]

Falling Apart

Well Sk8 you asked to be reminded of some posts about a week ago and I'm doing it now. Please go back and read when you were giving up on your gf again. If that is truly where your heart is then yes you need to move on. But I think it was just yesterday that you also said you still love her dearly. So I don't want to put a damper on your positive feeling, but just as some need reminding of the reason they don't drink, you may need reminding that it's too soon to give up.
Said with love and hope.

[rebirth]

Falling Apart

sk8punk;909798 wrote:
How can someone just say I'm done and stop for 90 plus days while going through a world of shit. Simple really, I see what alcohol has taken from me.

1. I now see my only son for 10 to 12 hours a week. It used to be 24/7
2. Lost the love and companionship of a beatiful woman and her two great boys.

Thats the price I paid for being a drunken idiot. Sure it could've been worse. I could of physically hurt someone or even killed someone when I left the house and got in my car. But thankfully I didn't. I still carry the guilt of those losses. I essentially broke my own heart. I did this to myself. I need to stop kidding myself. No matter how much I hope we'll get back together its probably not going to happen. I'll be lucky if I can have her as a friend someday. That is the reason for my self hate. You know how you feel towards someone that has broken your heart? Well thats how I feel looking in the mirror. I am the enemy. Some may be thinking that sounds like all the more reasons to drink. And I would agree with you. But and this is a big but. I have forgiven myself. I have defeated the enemy. How you ask? I stopped drinking. I'm not the person that I hate. I hate the alcoholic. Thats who destroyed my life. That person is not me anymore. I can not and will not allow that part of me to return ever again. Everything else I am dealing with now is all because of that. Now I am a good person. I am a good dad. I deserve to be happy and loved. I deserve to live life and I owe it to myself to let my past go and fade into a horriable memory. And yes finally, I am strong.

Sk8 I have been miserable because I have been struggling with cravings for a while.That was the first post I read this morning and I tell you what...your words went straight to my heart. It moved me so much and gave more determination today.
I think you are a really beautiful soul.

Anyway, got a long day ahead. My son is off to the caribbean with his gran so I will miss him without saying. but I am gonna go to the gym and anything else i can think of to take advantage of my free time. I wont see him for 6 weeks!!!!!!

Ha ha I think it's funny what your son did too.

[OverIt2007]

Falling Apart

Have a great day Sk8 and everyone on Sk8's thread, LOL.

Off to Disneyland for us!!! WIsh me Luck!! LOL!!!

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Hey everyone! RC not giving up. That post was a document of my negative thinking and a apoligy to myself. Thanks for looking out for me though!

Rebirth thank you. Keep yourself busy and focused you'll be alright. Couldn't imagine being away from my son for that long. 6 days is bad enough. Keep posting if you feel cravings are getting to much.

Good luck Over! Haven't been to Disneyland for a long time.

Well I'm still in a good mood. Gonna keep the positive thinking today. Can't fall into my usual negative traps. Gotta run to work. Check in later!

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Staying positive and just gonna roll with it today.

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Why iss it when I'm in a good mood the rest of the world isn't . Guess I'm just out of sinc with the world. Doesn't surprise me and I'm fine with that. Gotta be myself and just avoid the negativity. Had enough of that in my life lately.

[rebirth]

Falling Apart

Hi sk8,
Just got back from the airport... I was a bit teary when I said my goodbye to my son. But I shall stick to my plan.
Oh just to add...I got such a strong message from your post today that I watched my mum drink four glasses of wine in front of me and I felt NOTHING! Infact they looked like apple juice.

Thanks for killing my tuesday craving!

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Wow glad it helped Rebirth. Didn't know my post was so strong. I did it as a written confession and apolgy to mtself. Glad you got strength out of it. It was the first time I put those feelings in words here. I always felt hatred towards myself for letting alcohol ruin my life. Yesterday really was the first day I moved forward from that.

[Doggygirl]

Falling Apart

We never know when something we share from our real experiences brings strength and hope to someone else.

DG

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

I guess you're right Doggy. I know I've gotten strength from reading some of Duane Peters blog. Just never thought anything I would write would inspire or give anyone strength (yeah I know there's my great self esteem again. See I recognize when I'm doing it now).

Rebirth mentioned the airport. I used to love going to the airport to people watcch. People from all over in one place. Well that was pre 9/11. Now my favorite place is the grocery store. One of the few places everyone has to go to.

[rebirth]

Falling Apart

ha ha me too! Oh you and I are SOUL TWINS!!!
When I was at the airport, we had lunch together ( me, mum and my son) and I could have sat there all day people watching. It's one of my favourite things in life. I get a kind of peace just watching. Random thoughts go through my head. I almost feel like I am meditating... " I wonder why she is running..oh that one looks really sad..where did he get those shoes from..where are they going..she's is pretty..cute child..love the bag..great figure (damn i need to lose weight)..wonder if they are having an affair...". Grocery stores are also a favourite and I like seeing what people buy. Ha ha I feel like a perve.

So it was a written confession! No wonder it was so powerful! it was so sincere, so raw. Knocked me for six. People struggling should read that SK8. You write really well.

[rebirth]

Falling Apart

I just reread your confession again and I still get a lump in my throat.
Its starts sad and ends with a huge inspiring ending. Like a great feel good movie of the year!

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Now I'm gonna have to go reread it! LOL. Soul twins never heard that before but I get it. Yea h I don't know what it is about people watching. I do it for hours. I think about the same things you do while doing it. You can tell alot about a person by what is in their grocery cart.
I don't know when I started doing it. I am a only child and like I've said I've always felt like a bit of an outsider and I'm quiet. So I just sit and observe. I used to do that when I drank in bars alone too. But there people usually approached me to talk.
As for being a good writer I guess I'm alright. I do communicate alot better with the written word than I do speaking. Seems I always end up saying something wrong. I think it has to do with being face to face with someone cause I'm good on the phone too. Maybe I'm to busy observing them to concentrate on what I'm saying. Or more likely I'm to worried about what the are thinking of me.

[rebirth]

Falling Apart

You sure can tell alot about a person by what is in their grocery cart..or shopping trolley ( uk version). Food reflects people...hmm. maybe it doesnt. Not sure on that one.
I just eat really bad food at the mo. But I am usually health conscious..

Re talking face to face..Do you think it could be people's eyes that are a distraction? I am learning to give eye to eye contact when having a conversation as it use to be a problem for me in the past.

Oh damn. Got to go to bed. It's nearly 1am and I have to go to work tomorrow. It's odd how I seem to suffer from insomia whenever I am not with my son. I get kindof restless. dont know what to do with all this freedom. Before I use to drink myself stupid every night.

And definitely read it again Sk8. Its a great reminder of what you have achieved mentally. Takes huge courage to confess the way you did. Night from me. x