Falling Apart

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

HAHAHA thats what will always take some of the wind outta my sails, days sober 99 days single 99. No we weren't married. Together for 5 years. She was married before so she wasn't to eager to jump into another marriage. We seriously talked about it though.

[rebirth]

Falling Apart

Do you think that the relationship can bloom maybe in the future?

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

I wasn't always a alcoholic. For the first 3 and a half years I was a "normal" drinker who could take it or leave it. It seemed when she got pregnant is when I continued to drink and since I wasn't drinking with anyone no one kept me in check. It's funny I always compared my drinking to smoking. I would do it once in awhile and the next thing I knew I was up to 2 packs a day. To kinda put in in perspective a case of beer used to last 2 weeks or more. That was with me and her drinking it. At the end a case of beer would last one day with only me drinking.
It went from something I do to being all I do. My life ended and I became a zombie. Every thing revolved around if i could drink.

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

rebirth;911343 wrote: Do you think that the relationship can bloom maybe in the future?

Do I? Yes, but it would take work and I'm willing to do that. Does she? I have no idea. Right now I'm focused on myself and just getting to a point where me and her can talk about our son. Time will tell Rebirth. Some days I'm full of hop and other days I wanna give up. But something inside me will not let me give up on the relationship for more than a few hours. What it is I don't know but it keeps telling me to hang in there things will work out.

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Aaron's Ramones shirt came today. Completely awsome! I wish I could find one just like this in my size. Is it just me or are the tiny shirts kids wear cool as hell?!



Well this is usually when I go on some kind of a rant recently. Since I'm in a really good mood today I guess I focus on that and my on going battle with depression. Today really is the first day I can honestly say I feel I've come out of the fog. Maybe my meds finally kicked in on the right dosage. Maybe its my changed attitude. Or maybe its both. As you all know I've been diagnoised with chronic depression called Dysthymia. I've learned this started around when I was 13. A really shitty time in most peoples lives. Constant harrassment from my peers and a exsiting chemical imbalance is probably what started it. Not to mention I'm painfully shy with low self esteem. Now please don't think I've lived 24 years in complete misery. Thats not the case at all. With dysthymia it comes and goes in cycles. So its common to go undiagnoised as most people just think its the way they are or they go through rough times. Going back through my past in counsuling we could track the ups and downs. My depression would last for a year or two then go away. When ever I would start dating or something like that I would be in a up swing. But as soon as the excitement would be out of the relationship or I would sense something was going wrong I would slide into this depression making the situation even worse as I tend to withdraw from society during depression.
My drinking habits would also match up to my ups and downs. On a up period I would drink like everyone else. But during a down time it would become self destructive. I'm not lying when I say if I didn't stop drinking when I did during this I probably would have drank myself to death. So thats why I can't drink anymore. And you can imagine how much worse alcohol made my depression.
Wow this is turning out depressing! But I'm happy to say that between counsuling, meds, and changing my way of thinking things are looking up. Its still weird to me to destroy everything in my life and come out the other side with a positive outlook on the world. But I have and its for the better. I do view the world diffrently. I'm not angry anymore. I'm more relaxed and calm and most importantly I wanna live and enjoy every aspect of life now. Its great to wake up in the morning and think today is going to be a great day. Not I don't feel so hot is there still beer downstairs. The worlds not perfect but I like it alot better than I used to. Only thing that bums me out a little is the fact I'm missing so many of the little day to day things with my son. But I'm doing my damnedest to let his mom know I'm there for them and I'm being the best dad I can be. Thats really all I can do right now.

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

And for those of you that don't know who the Ramones are here's a song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VRiTUyQiQk[/video]]YouTube - Psycho Therapy - The Ramones

There were days I felt like that......

And heres another. More positive message in the song. I say this to myself everday now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9BCTgMbLn_Q[/video]]YouTube - The Ramones - I Wanna Live

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Got another little rant. Believe it or not I'm a very giving person. If I love you I'll give you my last dollar if you need it. But when I was drinking I was selfish. It was all about me. I need a drink I want this I don't wanna. So when getting sober and told I need to focus on myself I had a hard time. I was like I'll be fine I need to help those I hurt. I see now I can only help those people by helping myself. I figured there is two types of selfish. Positive and negative. Negative is being how I was. Positive is doing something for yourself to better yourself so others can reap the rewards.

I also don't like ego. But its the same as above. There's nothing wrong with saying I am a good person and I have done a good job. Its only negative when you say. I'm better than you because... I'm sure you all already knew this. But to me its a breakthrough. Good night all.

[one2many]

Falling Apart

I LOVE the shirt SK8, he is gonna look super cute in that!

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Thanks Oney how have you been? I'm gonna look for one like that in my size. Hopefully his mom let's hm wear it.
Feel pretty good today. Still tryin to wake up though. I'll check in when I get to work.

[one2many]

Falling Apart

I am good! I can't see why his Mom won't let him wear it. It is not offensive and it is not black!

Might look for one in my size too!

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

That's what I thought to. Sometimes it seems she does things to spite me like that. I would have to think even she has to admit I'm being a good dad at this point. Going through all I have been never once did I not want to see my son or offer support.

Next week I'm gonna look for a couple of Ramones shirts. I've listened to them for so long I kinda forget about them once in awhile.

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Shit just realized today is 100 days sober. Guess I'm kinda proud of that. Got counsuling today so we can begin the battle on my self esteem. Think I already started but all help is appriciated. I'm ready to learn.

[Pride before Fall]

Falling Apart

just realized today is 100 days sober. >>

Congratulations, Sk8!

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

Thanks pride. Time flies when your not drinkin!

[sk8punk]

Falling Apart

So I work with a guy who drinks ALOT . I can't help but notice how bad he reeks of booze every morning now that I'm sober. Ironicly he is the only person who has a problem with my sobrity when I go out with everyone. It doesn't bother just makes me realize how I used to be.