Disclosure

[mollyka]

Disclosure

Hey Prancy, had a similar situation some years ago with my very best friend at the time. A few of us (women) were going out on a girls night for a meal and drinks and I was on an AF kick so I offered to be the driver.
Anyway we went to a restaurant where there were a few young lads as waiters - same age as my sons, and after a while some of the women got really pissed and started being really loud and a bit suggestive (in jest only) with the young lads and being sober I was sooooo uncomfortable eventually I let out an involuntary sort of 'ssshhhh' and she turned to me and very loudly said 'what the f... did you come for if you're not drinking?' I was a bit horrified and hurt.
Anyway she is one of the mates who has now dumped me because I'm dry so I suppose it says it all.
I'm a bit of a hermit now!
Molly

[techie]

Disclosure

Prancy that story really resonated with me. My wife and I would avoid non-drinking couples like the plague. We were both heavy drinkers. Thinking back on why that was the case, I imagine we viewed them as a threat. We knew we were in trouble and unable to control our alcohol consumption. They were like a mirror reflecting back on us. On the individuals we really wanted to be. It saddens me to think how many wonderful, healthy, enriching relationships we passed up on due to our alcohol bias and unwillingness to accept the depth of our problem....techie

[prancy]

Disclosure

mollykka, techie. Your responses both sounded so familiar. There are friends who I think will be fine and those who won't. I have a pretty good idea that the lady referred to above will drop me like a hot potato but her husband and my husband will continue to do fishing and hunting and manly things together. Techie, I can so relate. I didn't even want to go out to dinner unless the restaurant served liquor! Did your wife go AF too? That would sure make it easier! But not in the cards for me. We have a couple of friends who go AF for a certain period of time each year. I was so bummed when we had them over and they were in that period. And yes, you are right, it is because it makes those of us who are over-doing, to put it mildly, very uncomfortable! Keep being strong. I am on Day 5 and counting.
prancy

[Doggygirl]

Disclosure

For many years I was that person who didn't want to hang around with anyone who didn't drink like me. Reflecting back, the bottom line was that I didn't WANT to face my own problem. I didn't WANT to be reminded by a non-drinker or normal drinker's behavior (not words) that my own behavior was badly out of whack. The more I hung around heavy drinkers, the more "normal" I could seem to myself.

That was not about friendship. It was about addiction. It was not about whether I liked a person or not. It was whether they could help me justify my drinking or not.

I know there are many many of us out there - alcholics who are only concerned about whether someone will drink with us. If a person in this mode rejects me because I no longer drink, it does NOT mean I have lost a "friend." It does NOT mean I am not a likeable or interesting person. It simply means I don't provide the #1 reason that person is looking for in someone to hang with. I know this because I played that role for many many years.

The people who were very close to me all knew I was a problem drinker long before I did.

The poster is correct (IMO) who said that normal drinkers who choose not to drink around you are NOT making a "concession." True normal drinkers (my husband is one) really don't care one way or the other about AL. We place a lot more importance on AL than normal drinkers or non-drinkers by a LONG country mile.

2 cents and change...

DG

[prancy]

Disclosure

amen.

[Guest]

Disclosure

prancy;864712 wrote: One of the many times I "quit AF" I was having a catered birthday party in a private room at a restaurant. I made sure to have nonalcoholic wine available -- for me only! Then this woman I had been getting to know because my husband was becoming great friends with her husband came rushing up to me and said: oh my God, I am sooooo glad to see you drinking. I told my husband that I didn't see you drinking last night and I didn't want to be friends with someone who doesn't drink, etc. etc." Anyway, clearly she had the problem, but it was so uncomfortable, I went straight over and poured myself a glass of the real stuff. Kept on drinking all night. I didn't get drunk but it kicked off another numbers of months of drinking and then eventually it got out of control and I repeated the pattern all over. Gotta find a way to get over that. Social situations are hard and we are in them all the time. I can't ask my husband to stop being with our friends as he loves to drink but is a total "normie." He is very supportive; it's me that's uncomfortable. And like Shikakai says, drinking in this country is like breathing, although I don't know what country Shikakai is talking about... Which country, Shikakai?
On Day 4 and keeping up the good fight.

There is actually a message in here regards drinking AL-free wine and beers. How easy would it have been for someone to bring you a glass of the real stuff as you appeared to be drinking?

Dangerous really.

[prancy]

Disclosure

Well, if I wanted that to happen, it surely could be dangerous. But you would know, believe me. There is a huge difference in taste. It just helps to have a pretty glass with something in it so you don't have to explain ALL night in a small group like that where you are the focus of attention. Had it not been my birthday I would not have minded so much! But you are right. It can be dangerous.