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[hillsidetime]

Hi everyone, I have been trying to work through living my social life without booze. Large parties are OK, pop in a glass and no one notices or asks,etc. Being creative works when I feel the need to squirm out of a situation. Also, I have to be honest, I have not attended a handful of gatherings to simply avoid the whole issue - NOT that I will break down and drink, but that I have to work through the whole issue of who will see me not drinking and start to pry. In terms of disclosure, I have told my parents and my wife has told my in-laws. I have told one friend, and my brother. Working through the "chats" with people in a spread out way has helped. The chats, although they made me sooooo uncomfortable, and I just dreaded them, have went OK, and all my loved ones have responded in caring, and not overly intrusive ways. Having those first awkward dinners with wine, etc, and with me not drinking, - I have survived. I am still not ready to go public. When did some of you fully disclose to colleages and friends etc?

One thing I was looking for other opinions about was that I have told my family to drink if they want to, and to just be normal. If they chose to abstain from their normal glass of wine at supper, or a cold beer on a hot day, for me, it makes me feel like a contagious pathogen. I really hope they will slip back into their patterns, and just let me be quietly af. I never complain about it, I just ask them to be normal.

I hope that you all have a great weekend,
Hill

[hippie37]

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Hi Hill

I was very self conscious at first around other people who knew about my alcoholism who were drinking in my company. The problem was, I was making myself feel uneasy because I was doing their thinking for them. I didn't actually HAVE a problem with it at all. But being overly concerned about how they were feeling, may of made it look as though I was uneasy with it. Quite the opposite underneath all the paranoia!

I think disclosure is always done at the persons own discretion, hence why AA's spiritual foundations are based on anonymity. To be honest though I think a lot of my friends, loved ones, ex partners etc knew before I did. I was still living in denial for many years.

I have to say I got real sense of 'dignity' reading your post. Brought a smile to my face. Thank you.

Many Blessings
Phil

[Cinders]

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I look at it this way. My family and friends who abstain when they are around me is because they have that much love for me.

While I do feel uncomfortable because I think "they are doing this because of me," I also feel grateful that I have family and friends who do that because they love me.

For us, abstaining is a huge sacrifice. For my friends and family who do not have a drink problem, it is a nit. We don't think that way.

Love,
Cindi

[papmom3]

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Hi Hillside,
Almost from the beginning I told my family that I was no longer drinking. They didn't ask why, probably didn't have to. My dad even said he was going to cut down and he needs too beleive me. I also pretty much just let it slip into conversation with colleagues. "Yeah, I'm pretty stressed out right now. Used to drink to deal with it but no more." No raised eyebrows, just a lot of nodding and sympathetic noise. Most of them use AL to deal with the stress too. Maybe I'll be an inspiration to someone. One asked why and I told her it was getting to be too much, my doctore and my heartburn weren't happy with me. End of subject. The few friends I have also knew right away. I don't really care if people in my presence choose to drink or not too. If not too, I don't even give it a second thought if it's because of me. They are adults and can choose to do what they want, just like me. But if they are doing it out of respect and love for me, then that's a huge bonus that I hope to be able to return the favor some day. JMHO.

[mollyka]

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Hi Hills
I never really told anybody anything, cept my husband. My kids all just accept that I now don't drink, th ey never really questioned me, I'm sure they talked about it among themselves but it's so long now that I drank in their company they just take it for granted. I always used to do a week or two detoxing on and off for years so my friends took it as that at the beginning but when they noticed I was still on the dry they dumped me. My workmates don't know me very well socially so I just casually tell them I don't drink. That's it really, was never ready for the big expose
Molly

[daybyday]

Disclosure

Hi Hill, I am pretty much at the same place as you as far as disclosing my new AF life and finding a comfortable way to be with it. I really don't mind others drinking around me at all, it doesn't seem to bother me or set off triggers. I think if it became excessive drinking on someones part I'd leave the situation but not usually in that scene anyway.
Maybe my age now and wanting a better life, I can tell that some people I know are uncomfortable with seeing me not order drinks but never been that keen on those folks anyway, so hey, maybe I'll get dumped by a few people I don't really want in my life anyway! Not a bad thing.
I'm trying not to center the whole AF thing around just being AF but as a positive new life journey where I get to become wiser and more selective of what I do with my life. If a few people fall by the wayside on that journey, so be it. You sound like a totally amazing person, I'm sure we'll figure out a way to get comfortable with it. Have a great day!

[hippie37]

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I love that positive attitude you have day!

[johnnyh]

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Hey Hill,

I've told some ppl that knew that I was a bit more than the regular consumer (close ppl that is), some other people I have just mentioned it to at the appropriate time, or rather in social situations wher I had been offered a drink. I try not to really go out there and tell ppl i'm a recovering alcoholic but rather tell ppl proudly I don't drink, and that's just it.

My wife has the occasional glass and I have told her to please do, but i'm glad this only happens every other week or even less (how the friggin heck she can have a glass or two every two weeks or three remains a miracle to me.) But I really prefer not to be sourounded by AL if I can avoid it.

That's my bit :-)

[rubywillow]

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As others have said, what and when we tell people is a very personal thing. For those that are just being too curious, I ask 'why do you need to know'. For those that love and understand me, they don't have to ask.
Shame how drinking has become such an accepted part of life we have to explain why we don't. And with some people, it's just none of their business.
Glad you are doing well with this. After a while, it will be second nature and you will quit worrying. It's like saying 'No' to caviar. I just DON'T like it, no matter how cool and expensive it is.

[prancy]

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I have always had trouble with this -- what to say, feeling incredibly uncomfortable, etc. Many of our friends drink a lot when we get together and we NEVER get together without drinks. It makes it challenging. Having said that, I am pretty sure that most people who are really friends already know why we are not drinking, having seen us "in action" many times. I have blackouts so I know less than they do! I remember right up to a certain point and then no more. Although hardly anyone ever says anything, I have to assume there were behavioral differences! I am sick, sick, sick of the whole situation!

[dancelot]

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Great comments Papmom and Daybyday. And Papmom, if we are an inspiration to anyone, that can only be a positive.

The longer I'm AF, the more I realize no one really cares. It never comes up (why). I think it's only going to bother another problem drinker - I know I felt better if there was someone drinking as much as I did - I didn't feel like the one out of control person (though I got over it fast enough or just waited until I got home to really let loose).

I went out to two different events in the last two weeks, both in clubs. We don't know that most of the time, we were the exception, not the rule. Being sober and observing how little most people drink. A drink, in many cases. The heavy drinkers stand out. The further along I get AF, the less of an issue it is. One place gave me free refills on cranberry juice too!

[Guest]

Disclosure

Most of my family know I have a problem and have been trying to stop for a long time. I have their full support in this although at first it was quite difficult for them to understand what was going on.

My Mother doesn't drink because she doesn't agree with the 'drug', the politics involved with it's sale and doesn't like the effect it has on her. Father doesn't drink for medication reasons as well as the first 2 reasons above. Brother doesn't drink around me and hasn't for some years - we all sit down and have nice cups of tea and coffee instead. Ahhh.

Friends & work colleagues. Most friends know and my closest doesn't drink himself due to almost dying from AL poisoning as a teenager. Others are on a need-to-know basis and most of them don't want to drink if they are with me. The remainder?Well I am proud to say "I don't drink" and that's it. Quite a few I've chosen to tell show me a lot of support and respect. So I'm not afraid especially now I've stopped drinking.

[hillsidetime]

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Thanks to all of you for your thoughts and sharing your experiences. It really does help me to discuss these issues with you. I don't have a person, who is also an alcoholic, in my life that I can chat with - you guys are it, and I really appreciate it.
Hill

[Shikakai]

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rubywillow;863704 wrote: As others have said, what and when we tell people is a very personal thing. For those that are just being too curious, I ask 'why do you need to know'. For those that love and understand me, they don't have to ask.
Shame how drinking has become such an accepted part of life we have to explain why we don't. And with some people, it's just none of their business.
Glad you are doing well with this. After a while, it will be second nature and you will quit worrying. It's like saying 'No' to caviar. I just DON'T like it, no matter how cool and expensive it is.

Well said, Rube... it's ridiculous. We need to find a way to "decriminalize" NOT drinking :H

Funny, I remember on the TV show Dallas that when Sue Ellen stopped drinking, she would order Club Soda

Drinking in this country is like breathing. If you don't drink, something MUST be wrong with you... um hmmm *eye-roll*

[prancy]

Disclosure

One of the many times I "quit AF" I was having a catered birthday party in a private room at a restaurant. I made sure to have nonalcoholic wine available -- for me only! Then this woman I had been getting to know because my husband was becoming great friends with her husband came rushing up to me and said: oh my God, I am sooooo glad to see you drinking. I told my husband that I didn't see you drinking last night and I didn't want to be friends with someone who doesn't drink, etc. etc." Anyway, clearly she had the problem, but it was so uncomfortable, I went straight over and poured myself a glass of the real stuff. Kept on drinking all night. I didn't get drunk but it kicked off another numbers of months of drinking and then eventually it got out of control and I repeated the pattern all over. Gotta find a way to get over that. Social situations are hard and we are in them all the time. I can't ask my husband to stop being with our friends as he loves to drink but is a total "normie." He is very supportive; it's me that's uncomfortable. And like Shikakai says, drinking in this country is like breathing, although I don't know what country Shikakai is talking about... Which country, Shikakai?
On Day 4 and keeping up the good fight.