Here I go AGAIN....and Im not even sure

[MommyDearest72]

I was on here a few months ago and was really doing well....I had almost 2 months sober ( well no Al,but smoking weed) And Now I feel like Im losing my mind....Although I am not drinking liquor or as much beer as "normal" and its tasting really awful and my body gaggs everytime I drink( until I get to my "comfort" level)... But as of late- I have fallen into the most pitiful, foul black hole....filled with promiscuity, laziness and self hatred ( and I have the nerve to want a relationship!!!) I guess I dont want to be lonely- but i've done some trifling things....I dont have any friends and dont want any because I feel like I'd poison anyone that wants to be around me...I am SO BORED with myself and SCARED as hell!!!! Of losing my apartment...Why dont i want to go to work? I am a damn bum right now !!!! My..my...my....PITY PARTY? DEPRESSION??? ALCOHOLISM???? ALL OF THE ABOVE???:upset::thanks:

[Rusty]

Here I go AGAIN....and Im not even sure

Dear MommyDearest,

We've all been there and done that. Oh yeah, alcohol is very sneaky that way. Makes us do things we wouldn't normally do and then the alcohol leaves us while we are sitting there feeling ashamed and full of self-hatred. I admire you for posting, and keep posting and reading other people's posts and threads, so you can move forward.

I've never smoked weed but one of my co-workers is a drinking alcoholic who also smokes weed and I am here to tell you that he is never in a good mood and is trapped in a permanent state of anger and negativity. You know that smoking weed and drinking will NOT make you feel any better. If I could get into Chat, I would, but my laptop won't allow me to but there is usually someone in Chat during the day and especially the evening.

You know you've kicked AL to the curb before and you'll do it again. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off (as Mario says) and move on.

PM if you need to.

[mama bear]

Here I go AGAIN....and Im not even sure

Mommy
are you taking anti depressants???
You need to go see your doctor now.....you cannot spiral down in to this black hole and lose EVERYTHING.......
I take Effexor and it helps keep my spirits lifted and allows me to function, go to work and be a wife and mother......

[MommyDearest72]

Here I go AGAIN....and Im not even sure

HI MAMA BEAR. AND THANX...I AM AFRAID OF TAKING MEDS AGAIN BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO LOSE MY (UhhhMMM LIBIDO AGAIN) OR MAYBE I NEED TO...I TOOK ZOLOFT BEFORE AND IT DID WORK.....i WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR BUT CANT EVEN MUSTER THE STRENGTH TO DO IT.

[mama bear]

Here I go AGAIN....and Im not even sure

who cares about sex if you are sick and miserable and exhausted.....
I HATED zoloft.........made me nuts...besides...as women we are wonderful fakers...:H:H
Hang in there and be strong my friend...I will help any way I can...drink lots of water and try to get some sleep
and don't lose your job....

[K9Lover]

Here I go AGAIN....and Im not even sure

Hi Mommy,
At the risk of sounding harsh here, maybing losing your libido right now is not the worst thing that could happen? Judging by your screen name, I am assuming you have children? Please find the strength to see your doctor, for your childrens sake, if nothing else. A lot of your depression is probably stemming from the fact that you feel like you are not accomplishing much right now. I am sorry that you are feeling so down right now. Please let us know how you are getting along, I will be thinking of you.
K9

[mama bear]

Here I go AGAIN....and Im not even sure

Mommy


lots of people here have had success with Antabuse...you may want to think about it....
and pot supresses the libido too, doesn;t it??? I have no idea, but I have heard that

[MommyDearest72]

Here I go AGAIN....and Im not even sure

tHANK YOU SO MUCH GUYS...AND I WILL BE ON HERE PERIODICALLY THROUGHOUT THE DAY....THANK Y'ALL! THANK GOD...

[Doggygirl]

Here I go AGAIN....and Im not even sure

MommyDearest, for the last few years of my drinking career, I was lonely and depressed and forlorn and hopeless. I didn't want to work. I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning. I didn't want to drink any more, but I didn't know how to NOT drink.

My life today is completely and totally different. Opposite in nearly every way from how it was in the end of drinking.

Maybe anti-depressants would help. I KNOW FOR SURE that quitting drinking/drugs will help. They are depressants!!! I speak from years of personal experience on the booze front. While I personally never had a big desire to smoke pot (experimented, but it did "nothing" for me) Mr. Doggy had a huge issue with it. Not only was it addictive for him, but it changes his personality to a mad, paranoid person.

Please decide what is most important to you. Sex? Sobriety? Being liked? I have to keep sobriety my #1 priority in order to keep it.

Strength and hope to you,

DG

[Rusty]

Here I go AGAIN....and Im not even sure

MommyDearest,

I echo everything Doggygirl said. AL and weed are incredible depressants. The euphoric feeling of drinking is very short-lived...and finally I said, "ENOUGH!"

Like you...I didn't think I COULDN'T drink.....I thought..."My social life will be out the window....I won't be able to have fun anymore!!" Well, I was wrong. The problem with AL is we're so deluded we can't see what it is doing to our personalities....it turns us into something we despise. At least, my family said my personality changed and it wasn't for the better!

Even though I am only two days AF I feel happier than I have been in almost 2 years!

Wishing you all the best!

Rusty

[MommyDearest72]

Here I go AGAIN....and Im not even sure

Thanks DG and Rusty...The sad part about starting ALL over again is that my smart dumb ass theoretically knows alot of information but cant do anything with myself...Its like taking the same class over and over- Drunkard101 and Sobriety101....I know from the last time that this is a choice...Im not even sure i wont do it again...thats the scary part. But I know that this site and the likes of people like you- make it a bit easier to be honest with myself....I just dont want to disappoint anyone -or- myself...Tmrw's my b-day and I am scared of that!!! the lonliness...Im broke....Arghhhhh!

[mama bear]

Here I go AGAIN....and Im not even sure

sending you early birthday wishes...you are down because it's your bday, you are alone and broke...
Trust me....I understand the broke part!!!

[techie]

Here I go AGAIN....and Im not even sure

MD hang in there and have yourself a HAPPY SOBER BIRTHDAY. You'll love it so will your children!

[not tonight]

Here I go AGAIN....and Im not even sure

Happy Birthday mommydearest. I hate birthdays too. Think of tomorrow as an opportunity for a new beginning. A new year a new you. Your year of living sober. You can do this, you can move past the introductory courses and free yourself. It's inside you.

As for being broke, well haven't you heard? Broke is the new black.

[hippie37]

Here I go AGAIN....and Im not even sure

Hi Mommy.

I'm reminded so much of myself reading your post. I used all kinds of substances in the past as well as sex and relationships to make me feel good about myself. It's not unusual when we put down the drink for our addiction to transfer onto something we see as a less potential threat to our well being. At the end of the day though we're still trying to 'fix' ourselves. This was always a short lived experience for me.

When I first came off the drink and was trying to get sober I was convinced I would be okay to continue taking ecstasy. I had it in my head I would become one of these rave puritans who only took e's and drank bottled water. What a joke that was. Drugs always lead me back to the drink and drink always lead me to drugs. It was a vicious circle for me.

I was mortified at the fact I was never gonna meet a woman ever again. My 2nd stint in AA, if I'm completely honest with you, was to 'bag' a nice sober woman. Well I couldn't exactly go down the pub now could I? I didn't really want to be there, I didn't believe in AA or the steps; I was just lonely, desperate and depressed. Ooh what a catch for all those lovely sober women!! How the hell I didn't get a date I'll never know!

Sometimes I'm still like a cat on a hot tin roof. Bouncing from one thing to the next. Facebook was my last manifestation! I'm not perfect and I don't expect to be too. Shit happens sometimes. I still get lonely and feel alone at times but hey so does everybody else from time to time I guess. The problem with me was that I spent the best part of my active years in addiction pushing people away unbeknowst to me. Fear of people getting too close meant I would either sabotage a relationship through relapsing or I'd simply put up all the barriers inside.

As a few have already said. Sex and relationships should be the LAST thing on your mind right now. It's very hard I know when you feel worthless and insecure and you feel you need something or someone to validate your feelings. You need time to get to know who YOU are not who you think you are.

Part of the process of recovery for me was learning to start loving myself for who I am and not what other people expected me to be. I could be anyone you want me to be if it meant I got your love and attention. But get too close.........

Don't be too hard on yourself either about being promiscuous or lazy etc. We can make life so difficult for ourselves when we take out that big stick. You need to put it down and give yourself a break. You'll never get anywhere with your goals while you're still unforgiving of your past. Today is a brand new day. So have a little hope and some faith that things will get easier if you start putting some action in to change your life. Small steps is all that's needed.

Many Happy Returns for tomorrow. I'm sure someone will have a thread for you for your birthday!

Many Blessings
Phil