ODAT Wed 26th May 2010

[KatieB]

Hey everyone,

Day 2 AF for me today.. and being back at work, the temptation to drink is so much less.. plus I have the court case behind me so I can finally move on..
Sorry I just want to ask a little relationship advice; I went on a second date with the "bankcrupt" guy last weekend (my son was with his Dad all weekend).. but I did not feel attracted to him at all, plus he talked alot about his money problems but seems a nice guy otherwise.. am I being shallow if I dont want to meet him again as we do get along well?.. but I just came out of a relationship (assault aside) that had no "passion" and no love either.. I really don't want to settle for 2nd best again but maybe I do need a "nice guy".. I know some of you might say its too soon for me to date at all.. but it's been a year since my separation, and I am not getting any younger, and would like a family like most people dream off.. I dont want to be a single mum forever!
Any advice would be great.. though this is also mainly the ODAT thread so anything goes!! Have a fab day all,
Katie xxx :l

[OverIt2007]

ODAT Wed 26th May 2010

Hi Katie,

I have no idea what Pan meant do you? Anyways good to see you on day 2. Its still Tuesday here in Florida. I am wrapping up a day of self loathing and depression. Whew glad the day is almost over. ODAT for Wednesday for sure.

Katie, if you are not attracted to this guy, then I would say pass. Attraction has to be there. If you dont really feel like kissing him now, then I doubt you will in the future. Your guy is out there somewhere still, just like mine is for me.

Happy Sober day to all that follow. Sorry I was all over the place mentally yesterday. Thats what drinking does to you friends.

[KatieB]

ODAT Wed 26th May 2010

Thanks overit,
I think we are both in the same position with the dating business! And you are right - I gave 4 years of trying to let attaction build with my ex because he was "a nice guy" - who incidentally ended up being an abuser! No, I definately want "first" best this time!
Don't worry about being "all over the place" - I was the same last week - drinking really does not make anything better at all does it? it totally destroys the mind and rational thinking.. Lets keep optimistic, we will find the "right guy" - but there is no hurry, I am enjoying learning about myself in the process, and loving my little boy so much too.. have a great sober day too!
Katie xxx

[OverIt2007]

ODAT Wed 26th May 2010

And drinking also destroys ones self esteem and confidence too doesnt it. Its funny, when I have a few sober days under my best, even as little as 2 or 3, I literally become a different person. A person that I like and even think is kinda cute, Lol! But boy, add in the drinking and I am the ugliest, disgusting person in the world. I could not even leave the house today.. Ugg.

So lets keep these things in mind as we pick up the pieces and try again. We can do it, I know we can.

As far as a man for you, you and your son deserve only the very best guy. You dont have to settle again, ever!

[Bessie]

ODAT Wed 26th May 2010

Morning all

I am lucky enough to have one of the best in the world so they are out there and you will find your top man!

Having said that he isn't helping me as much as I would like with not drinking despite my asking. I don't think I have let him know how bad I feel about it. I have accepted though that it is totally down to me to get this thing licked. I too am not so much a better person but certainly a happier and more hard working one. I like the sober me. She is more content with herself. Today I will be that person.

Bessie x

[mollyka]

ODAT Wed 26th May 2010

Morning Katie, Overit and Bessie,
I reckon you know the answer before you even asked Katie, you deffo need the attraction at the beginning unless you just want to be pals with him? The money thing you could do without like a hole in the head as well! Your life has been complicated enough, give yourself a chance to pick up the pieces - there are loads of nice guys out there like Bessie says. My own 'oul lad' has his faults but I still love him madly after 32 years, we would never have survived if there hadn't been attraction as well.
Sober is great isn't it. I just realised I'm 22 days AF since my cock up, can't believe how quickly the days are marching along this time, I think I'm not even thinking about it cos (hopefully!) as Michael Jackson said 'THIS IS IT'!! I never want to go there again
Molly

[rustop61]

ODAT Wed 26th May 2010

Good morning everyone

Some good advice given there Katie, hang in there, somebody special will come along. I'm with my childhood sweetheart, I have been with him since I was 15!!! 33 years, married for nearly 26 of them. So I'm not able to give any dating advice but am a great believer in what will be will be.

Well done on the 22 days Molly, is this the first time you have done it?

Rustop

[mollyka]

ODAT Wed 26th May 2010

No Rustop, for my shame I was 4 months AF up until 23 days ago!! Yuch! Hate even thinkin about it!!
Molly

[Twitch]

ODAT Wed 26th May 2010

Hi everyone day 3 for me here, no relationship advice really, just you seem to already know what you feel Katieb, there has to be a smidgeon of attraction, I am with my second boyfriend still, 33 year's down the line so I guess I was really lucky,started my fitness regime yesterday as well, so feeling very positive all in all,looking forward to the Wedding, the birth of my first grandchild and my son's 2 feature film's coming out, also we have found work for my 21 year old who has down's, that was a big worry for the past few week's, the sun is shining and Im off to watch my youngest play cricket today, feeling very good, hope I can remember this when al tries to call me back!!! love and hug's Twitch xxx

[Guest]

ODAT Wed 26th May 2010

Katie

I'm 35 never been married and never had any children. Yes I'm starting to wonder about time running out for me but right now there is only one relationship I'm working on. That one is me and myself now AL has been removed from the equation. I too used to be desperate to be in a relationship and I have had guys interested in me during my last months drinking and my first months sober. I'm not bothering with any relationship simply because I know they will not have a chance if I'm not happy and straight with myself. That isn't going to happen overnight so I'm resigned to being single. A relationship right now would only bring added complications and/or pressure - the most basic of those would be someone to let down if I was craving or finding things difficult and simply needed to stay in on my own that night.

I've a lot to deal with including learning how to live life sober. Having a relationship before I've done that could put my whole sobriety and life at risk. Not worth it in my book - a guy will come along when the time is right.

[Panno]

ODAT Wed 26th May 2010

Hi Everyone

Just a quick hello, I'm actually getting some work done All going well and AF, had a lovely evening last night met up with Spuds for coffee as she lives close to where I work - we actually went in a pub, now aren't we good girls! We never missed the AL cause we didn't shut up nattering :H

Hope to catch up later, Katie please don't pressure on yourself, better to end it now than later. As the cliche goes plenty more fish in the sea. Lovely to have you back :l

[johnnyh]

ODAT Wed 26th May 2010

YAAAAWWNN....

Finally home. flipping tired. and out and about again in 30 minutes. this sux

Hope you all had a great day

[mama bear]

ODAT Wed 26th May 2010

I am with the love of my life, married 19 years, so I a not a good one to ask...but I have to say when I met Papa Bear it took a few months for me to feel attracted.....and it's funny bc he was so good to me that I was actually scared of him.....like "is he for real".....but here we are almost 25 years later and its better every day......
Let's get AF and then we'll find you a man...you are a sweet, thoughtful and might I add, pretty, (from FB) girl.....
Overit baby..I am sorry for your slip and the fact you feel terrible

[prancy]

ODAT Wed 26th May 2010

Hello to all.
I also married my high school sweetheart but not straight out of high school. I slipped two other marriages in between, neither lasting more than a couple of years. Now that I think back, so much a my relationships were affected by alcohol. Did he drink as much as me? Was he judgmental? etc. Then
I finally got back with my old flame and we have been married 29 years. Even with the same man it is not always consistent. I can remember many years where I wasn't attracted and sometimes didn't even like him. Also affected by alcohol consumption. He would get fed up with my getting drunk and then I would quit and then I would be MISERABLE because I saw it as total deprivation and I would take it out on him. We almost split once but I finally came to my senses. Now all these years later we are best friends and still so in love. He has been so compassionate about my drinking even though he has suggested soooo many times that I give it up.
The trick now is to give it up and NOT feel deprived and NOT take it out on him. I got this quote today on the OM Daily horoscope. Boy does it say it all (for me anyway!). Hope it helps someone else too.

Your natural dependency on the important people in your life can transform into overwhelming neediness today. Since you are likely unsure as to how deep your loved ones‚ affections run, you may feel driven to seek reassurance. If your entreaties seem out of place or desperate, your quest for comfort may net you results opposite to those you desire. The best way to guarantee that your relationships are and will remain strong may be to take the lead in generosity and tenderness by acting as an example. The more you endeavor to show your fondness for the people you value today, the more love and reassurance you will likely receive from them in return. 

When we do all we can to ensure that the people we care for feel loved, we spend less time harboring uncertainty relating to our relationships. Love is an action as well as a feeling, and it must be nurtured by our conscious attention to the minute details of our interpersonal connections. Lingering worries and fears can do little to help us strengthen our relationships because they are passive. We can assuage our doubts by giving 100 percent of our affection to the important people in our lives. By doing this we make certain that we have done all we can to preserve and reinforce the bond that exists between ourselves and our loved ones. As you give of yourself in your relationships today, you will be more apt to enjoy the blessings your connections grant you.

Day 8 AF here and looking forward to many more. But only dealing with today right now!
prancy

[4myhealth41]

ODAT Wed 26th May 2010

Great thread!

Katie - I don't think you should ever settle. Maybe continue to see him every so often as 'friends' only to see if he grows on you, but I wouldn't settle just for the sake of having a man around.

Prancy - this quote from you is EXACTLY why I came to the board this afternoon, "The trick now is to give it up and NOT feel deprived and NOT take it out on him." I am soooo struggling with this as well. My hubby and I have been together for almost 16 years and he truly is the most amazing person I have ever met. He is supportive and tries to give me kuddos but I am being the biggest b*tch to him. I don't know how to just put on a happy face when I'm not feeling thrilled at the moment to be on day 3 of my first try at AF. It sucks and I don't know what to do My hubby, btw, does not have a problem with alcohol - drinks maybe a 6-pack a year - wish I were like him)!!!

Thanks for letting me vent!


AF Day 3