What's left of me after AL

[Farm Girl]

Honestly, this might sound stupid and you won't hurt my feelings if you think so. I am coming up on my 90 days AF (Thursday). I have been very confused because since I have stopped drinking, my self confidence is less, I'm nervous about social situations and, well, I thought my life would just launch into some kind of wonderful existence. Going into therapy has intensified these feelings and I have been depressed and confused. So here's my personal revelation - and if this helps anyone out there - than I'm glad I posted.

I realized today that AL was not just an addiction, not just what defined me, but a part of me that was as real as an arm and a leg. And without it - I have lost a piece of my identify, piece of my self. While this sounds not very encouraging, it really is - because I have swimming in a sea of confusion that will ultimately push me right back to another Day 1.

The real truth, to me, is that AL took the person I was so many years ago and formed the person I am today. Somehow I have to undo this and become "me" without AL as a part of the process! Anyone feel like this or have experienced this? Advice?

[JACQRABBIT]

What's left of me after AL

Hello FG,

I have no advice but definitely do relate to this feeling.

I find myself very detached from social situations and have to often force conversation as the usual banter just doesn't come naturally.

Only the weekend just gone I was with my 2 sisters and found myself very much on the
outer, more of an observer than part of the party.

I think that relaxing without a wine may be something that has to be re learned.

I also used to dance at any opportunity and don't think that I will ever dance again now sober.

Sadly I too think that my confidence lies in the bottom of a bottle.

[sk8punk]

What's left of me after AL

I feel the same way. But I am a shy person and have always felt awkward in social situations. Drinking did make that easier. I believe a lot of it has to do with self confidence and how we think others percieve us. When we drank we thought we were fun. But now that we don't we feel like everyone notices and we are bringing everyone down. That care free spiriit that we feel alcohol brought out is in us somewhere. You just have to find out how to bring it out naturally.
I know this probably doesn't help. But I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.

[KatieB]

What's left of me after AL

I can totally relate to what you are saying FG,
Drinking was a huge part of who I felt I was too.. it shaped me, turned me into this "fun" person - but also someone who messed up and ended up self-destructive.. all AL does is take away those "inhibitions", but by taking those away, you are also opening a gateway to negative, horrible feelings and emotions - those that are curbed and controlled by being sober..
Having inhibitions is what makes us intelligent, thinking humans.. its "thinking things through" and truly deciding what to do or say by using our rational thought processes is what makes us who we really "are"..
I suggest to keep seeing your counsellor, and I am seeing mine - I know the person I want to be - and if you have in your mind the person you want to be, you will get there, through counselling - facing your demons, being sober, learning about yourself, loving yourself and having self-confidence,
Katie xxx

[hazeleyes]

What's left of me after AL

Farm Girl;867666 wrote: Honestly, this might sound stupid and you won't hurt my feelings if you think so. I am coming up on my 90 days AF (Thursday). I have been very confused because since I have stopped drinking, my self confidence is less, I'm nervous about social situations and, well, I thought my life would just launch into some kind of wonderful existence. Going into therapy has intensified these feelings and I have been depressed and confused. So here's my personal revelation - and if this helps anyone out there - than I'm glad I posted.

Hi Farm Girl
Doesn't sound stupid to me, sounds exactly what I am feeling. I think by numbing all emotions with AL whether a happy event, a sad event, the end of a week, or whatever, we have lost touch with the real human experience. Being AL free forces us to face life head on, feeling everything again.

To overcome the overwhelming shock this can be, I think it is important to have specific life goals, and to work on taking actions every day to build up positive experiences.

Try to dance sober, there must be music out there that will eventually move you. Go out for dinner and drink something non AL and see how it feels on the way home. In reality the short buzz from AL is quickly forgotten as real life takes over. The real trap now is believing the lies inside our heads.

Your life is not over, you can experience real, amazing joy, but you need to take steps every day to experience this new joy without relying on AL. Not just sit back and tell yourself life is not good without AL. This voice needs to be ignored.

Build enough positive experiences and before you realise it your life will be different, better, free. (Actually I think I'm talking to myself.)

Lets do it together
Hazeleyes

[dancingon]

What's left of me after AL

Hi FG
I think most of us can identify, but you may be fondly remembering how Al affected you. I think that 2 wines helped me overcome shyness, be funny, dance and be unusually gregarious. However, there have been occasions when I've had more than 2 and made a complete arse of myself in front of people. Think of the slurring speech, the over friendliness, the blackouts and the headaches next day.
When I split with my ex, I thought I'd never be able to dance again, because it was something we did (pretty well) together. However, at a recent training dinner that was 99% women, I had a ball and danced alone and with other women with no problem. I did have a couple of wines, but even without it I think the atmosphere would've allowed me to let my hair down and intend to try it next time I go out.
I agree with Katie - get a drug/alcohol counsellor and meet each week.
Rather than trying to be the old you, or the Al you, why not reinvent yourself and become a new you. This will take time and effort. I'm currently planning some of the things I want to become and achieve over the next 5 years, and sometimes I get cold feet and think I don't have the courage, but I've written them down to come back to when I'm feeling more positive.
Stick with it. You've come so far. I'm awed. :goodjob:

[Chickey Babe]

What's left of me after AL

:hHi there Farm Girl, and everybody else who has posted so far,
Yep I'm only very new into the process and still not AF I'm going for moderation for now, but I can relate already, my firends are already asking me what's going on, why am I drinking soooo slowly, hurry up keep up etc....and I do feel like a bummer girl a bit, and I do feel boring and straight and a little bored with that scene. But do you know what, maybe I am bored with that scene, recently I was at a concert that was telecast and I happened to be filmed and I am haunted on a routine basis of myself on TV replay having an absolute ball/but visibly drunk, it was funny the first time I saw it, but I was horrified that my 7 and 9 yr old sons watch it and are proud of their Mum for being on TV. But my little 7 year old said confused "why are you dancing like that Mummy" Not cool at all, and it's the wake up call that i needed. Sometimes a visual shock is a good motivator.

I guess we just need to believe in ourselves and that we are who we are because of our past and how alcohol shaped us, but we are soooo much more that that we are the beauty of our interactions with the world and our environment, and with our family and friends and loved ones. And those who love us will love us just as we are. It's time for us to enjoy all that life has to offer without hiding behind the sheild of the bottle.

I'm so gratefull that you have all had the courgage to post this reality as it's something we all probably struggle with in private anguish, thanks for giving us a voice farm girl, celebrate the inner goddess that you are:h
Sending you happiness and sunshine upon the wind
Chickey Babe

[summer girl]

What's left of me after AL

Hi Farm Girl:I so understand how you feel. First congrats on all your AF time that is so great! I have not been AF for as log as you have but have done 54 days AF. I felt good for the first 2 weeks but since then I feel confused,overwhelmed and kind of do not know what to do with myself when others are drinking, it seems everything revolves around it. I do not know about you but when I was drinking I kind of isolated myself to hide how much I was drinking and now people just do not invite me because I usually said no or I was busy. I really feel the same about being a different person the one that the AL created, Also now that we are sober all the things that we used AL cover or numb are comming to the surface, real life i guess but it seems to be comming all at once.I just keep telling myself that "I do not want to start over" I read that on a post when I first came here and when I get tempted I just say that to myself. We did not get the way we are in a few months so we have to give our selfs time to adjust to our new way of life. Do not give up you have come a long way. You are not alone as you can see alot of us feel the same way. :l

[mollyka]

What's left of me after AL

Hi Farm Girl, like everyone else who replied, I know exactly what you are saying. I wonder is that why so many, including myself have relapsed after 3-4 months? The only thing that I feel is different in my case is that I am a truly shy person and alcohol changed that - it made me something that I'm not really, it made me outgoing, gregarious, life and soul etc, but that's not me and I must learn to be happy on the sidelines.
Still don't think drinking solves it. Hazeleyes said it for me. The Al buzz doesn't last long, it may be an hour of a night out and then the 'baggage' creeps in - the slurring, the silliness, the hangover etc. We idealise that 'night out' with a few wines - its rarely THAT ideal night is it?
Yep I'm talking to myself too, it is a tricky one, and well done with your honesty
Molly

[Guest]

What's left of me after AL

AL made me anti-social in fact towards the end I didn't want to be part of the party as I just wanted to drink fullstop. Before this stage however I did use AL as part of my social life but I became the 'pain' of the party eventually. As I've attempted complete AF many times and in fact was more of a binge drinker I have had chance to practise going out and dancing sober. So I already knew it can be done but like anything else it takes practice. You don't learn something over night,become socially adept at 2 years old it all requires time and patience. I get things wrong all the time and do feel detached at parties but hey it's a lot better than being detached through AL, not to mention the hangovers.

[one2many]

What's left of me after AL

When I ditched the booze....

My life would change....

I would become happier, more confident, everything would slot into place, my troubles would be over, I would be on easy street, Nothing would worry me or upset me, life would be a piece of cake, my brain would work differently, I would be happy all the time, I would no longer have depression or sad thoughts, I would have a wonderful life, people would applaud me, fanfares would sound and angels would sing..

NOTHING prepared me for the brutal reality that this wasn't the case.
I felt cheated and disappointed and somewhat angry that I had put in all the work to kick booze and I didn't feel any different, my life was NOT any better, and yes I wondered why I even bothered...what was the bloody point..you were meant to feel better..right?? It was meant to get better? Life was meant to change.....

It didn't except for...

My clear head in the mornings and the feel of clarity on waking...

No hangovers, headaches and sick tummy..

No flashbacks of things said and done and no cringe factor upon remembering.

The bedtime stories now told lovingly to my children instead of the excuses as to why I couldnt read them as I had to go and relax with first drink of the evening.

The money I have saved by not buying alcohol and smokes.

The compliments I have received telling me how well I look.

The feeling of freedom knowing that alcohol has no hold over me, I have broken free of its power and I am living independant of it.

The problems that are there are now being dealt with and not swept under the carpet in a drunken haze.

The little pieces of me that emerge day to day...new pieces of my personality that have been stifled by alcohol.

The feeling of LIVING and not just drifting along from day to day doing the same old thing and expecting different results.

The feeling of acomplishment, and getting to like myself again ( I am not at the loving myself bit yet but still working on it, we are all a work in progress)

The knowledge that, although I felt like a fish out of water the first few times I went out socially, it is slowly but surely getting much better and easier to handle and when I look around and see some of the antics going on , I feel blessed that I have made the decision not to be the ringleader any more.

The chance to FEEL........I mean really feel...all my emotions...without the crippling distorted illusion of alcohol..I can identify my feelings and deal with them accordingly.

And finally the realisation that my problems are still there, money worries still present, sadness, fear and confusion are with me on a regular basis...BUT I can deal with them now...feel them, understand them and know why I am feeling this way..instead of burying them or intensifying them with the help of alcohol.

In conclusion....life is not all sweetness and light, not the perfect world I did expect it to be..but it is a Utopia in comparison to the one I was existing in and for that I will be eternally grateful.

Oney x

[JackieClaire]

What's left of me after AL

Thanks Oney,

Ditto every single word that Oney said (apart from the smoking bit, but that's the next thing on my list.)

J x
:l

[mollyka]

What's left of me after AL

Oney, that is a fantastic post, it absolutely spells out the chasm between drinking and not drinking, not the difference between 'sitting bored in the pub sober or having a whale of a time in the pub with 2 glasses of wine', that is not our option. Thank you for clarifying for me why I am doing this for the times I forget
Molly

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

What's left of me after AL

Brilliant post Oney.

[girly wirly]

What's left of me after AL

oney that post is bloody amazing.

thankyou so much for taking the time to write it. it gave me goosebumps and i wish it could become a sticky for every member to read in times of doubt.

i'm printing it out hun and i'm going to look at it tonight when those bloody demons come calling.

you are a fantastic member of this site.:goodjob: