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starting out again for the millionth time

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    #61
    starting out again for the millionth time

    jackieClaire.
    Thanks for the suggestion. A lot of my problems are family-based as well. Probably most of them. I will definitely give it a read. prancy

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      #62
      starting out again for the millionth time

      Just a personal comment on "not remembering..." I used to wake up and realize I didn't remember the end of the evening and then I would torture myself by trying to remember but I couldn't. Then I would cautiously approach each new person to see if they said anything about my behavior. If they didn't or were police and just referred in general to the evening being a "wild" one or something, I would sigh a big sigh of relief and figure no one must have noticed.
      That is until the day I was at a family event and someone asked what I would have to drink. I said a manhattan and my husband said, well, you can have it if you promise us we won't have to endure another one of your sobbing bouts. I was mortified. I didn't even know when he was talking about, but obviously, it had to be one of those nights when no one said anything so I thought I was fine. Of all of the hangovers, shame, guilt, etc. I hated those blackouts the worst. I hope and pray and plan and scheme that I am NOT going to have one of those again! prancy

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        #63
        starting out again for the millionth time

        Prancy I used to think I had got away with it too. So many times not knowing how the evening ended and then---someone tells you about some dreadful behaviour. Keep up the hard work

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          #64
          starting out again for the millionth time

          Blackouts are the worst. Having one too many of them is what finally prompted me to go completely AF. I couldn't stand the shame, embarrassment and guilt of waking up the next morning with no memory of the previous evening. Scrambling to check my phone for calls or texts, checking the computer for emails.....

          Life is much simpler alcohol free.
          :heart:I love my daughter more than alcohol:heart:

          Believe in yourself. You are stronger than you think.

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            #65
            starting out again for the millionth time

            K9Lover;877058 wrote: Blackouts are the worst. Having one too many of them is what finally prompted me to go completely AF. I couldn't stand the shame, embarrassment and guilt of waking up the next morning with no memory of the previous evening. Scrambling to check my phone for calls or texts, checking the computer for emails.....

            Life is much simpler alcohol free.
            This was me on Wednesday, still feeling crap now. I checked my sent txt yesterday and thought what the hell was I thinking last night and there was quite an insulting one sent to somebody (which I have now apologised to and he laughed about it)

            Blackouts just screw your head about and sometimes when nothing wrong has actually been done.

            I spoke to my doctor about one blackout and he said 'anything could have happened' It was lucky I was ok. I dont remember how or who took me home that night all I remember is waking in the spare room.

            @ Prancy - I have had a crying episode 10yrs ago and I still get reminded of it now and im sure some of them do it on purpose.
            Don't Let The Bastards Grind You Down - Eat Them Alive

            1 - 2 - 3

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              #66
              starting out again for the millionth time

              Blackouts, to me, are the scariest part of drinking. What is even scarier is that there were many times I would go out with the intention of just having a "couple" and the end result of the night was being in a blackout. No recollection, no memory, what the fuck happened? How did I get here, or even who are YOU in my bed!! (younger days)

              Even scarier, blackout driving.. Driving a car with no memory. Im freaking myself out now...
              I LOVE MY SEROTONIN AND BOOZE SCREWS IT UP!!!!!

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                #67
                starting out again for the millionth time

                Ooh yes, the blackouts are the pits. I am still apprehensive about seeing people that were at a wedding 2 months ago. I disgraced myself and then locked myself away for weeks after. Have now seen many people from the wedding who are relishing in reminding me about my behaviour. That was definitely my turning point to try and get sober. Tried really hard after, managed to get to 11 days! Haven't managed to go 2 weekends in a row sober yet.

                Anyway went off the rails again after that and am now back my first goal to make it past 11 days. I am day 8 today. Feel confident in the mornings, but by early afternoon my mind plays games with me about having a drink. It is harder than I thought to stop drinking, which to me means my problem was worse than I once thought.

                This site has been my greatest help.

                Yes anon, we will get to Day 12 together!

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                  #68
                  starting out again for the millionth time

                  Damn, now I am thinking the mind games are the worst!!!

                  How is it that you can wake up feeling like a million bucks, then later trick yourself into ahhh a drink sure would be nice!! Problem is that not very many of us have just "A" drink, for me it turns into about 6-8. Then the hangover... the cycle continues!!!

                  Yes, this website IS very very helpful, and sometimes slow progress is still SOME progress as somebody just pointed out to me.

                  Sometimes I guess you just have to accept the slow progress for what it is. Im sure that one day all of us will get there, in our own time
                  I LOVE MY SEROTONIN AND BOOZE SCREWS IT UP!!!!!

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                    #69
                    starting out again for the millionth time

                    Yes Over it and Gertrude the mind games are wicked and I do mean it in the true sense of the word. About 4ish I start thinking one drink will not do any harm and then I think of this website!! One drink is never enough and that will put me off good style.

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                      #70
                      starting out again for the millionth time

                      I remember back in 'the day' working with a bloke who didn't drink and I asked him why he went on work booze ups and he told me he loved watching people making arses of themselves and I thought what a mean person (actually used a ruder word) he was - he was dead right - great having the high moral ground!!!
                      Molly
                      Contentedly sober since 27/12/2011
                      contentedly NF since 8/04/14

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                        #71
                        starting out again for the millionth time

                        mollyka;877750 wrote: I remember back in 'the day' working with a bloke who didn't drink and I asked him why he went on work booze ups and he told me he loved watching people making arses of themselves and I thought what a mean person (actually used a ruder word) he was - he was dead right - great having the high moral ground!!!
                        Molly
                        How smug! What an arse but how briiliant. Maybe that is a great way for me to enjoy parties from now on.:thanks:

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                          #72
                          starting out again for the millionth time

                          Thanks for all the reinforcing thoughts on blackouts. I was at a function today where everyone was drinking and my husband was sort of leading the charge for mai tais and more cocktails. Him of "I am really going to help you with this. I don't care at all about drinking." I could have shot him and had to remind myself that it is my problem, not his and not to be mad at him because he can drink and I can't. But it was frightening how fast a thought came into my head that I can't do this while I am married to him (and we have been married a long time!) and if I am married to him, maybe I can just at social events. It just came shooting through there. I got up from the table and excused myself to the restroom just to get a break from the thought. Thank god for being able to come on here and share that. I have a really tough week coming up with social events and I am going to have to face them one at a time!

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                            #73
                            starting out again for the millionth time

                            Well done Prancy.
                            Not so well done Anon I was so pleased with myself resisting the wine all evening but the pull was too much after our friends had gone and I poured myself a drink in secret and the rest is history. I hate my stupid weak self. So Day 1 here I go/come again. Cannot even go out for a run as my head hurts so much. Hey Ho. I feel ashamed but will keep coming here as it kept me sane for 8 days AF which is the longest I have gone in over 40 years

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                              #74
                              starting out again for the millionth time

                              Oh Anon, pleased don't feel ashamed coming here, and please don't hate "your stupid weak self". You got to 8 DAYS!! That is huge. You know yourself now that you can get to 8 days and everyone on this forum knows how hard that it is.

                              Start again, stay with us, keep posting.

                              :l:l

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                                #75
                                starting out again for the millionth time

                                Thanks Gertrude I had hoped to be on day 9 today but never mind day 1 here I come again. I hope your battle is being won

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