All The Single Ladies

[OverIt2007]

All The Single Ladies

I hear ya. In all honesty, I certainly have ALOT of work to do on myself, but boy, me getting my crap totally together could take years, LOL. I might be too old to date by then! I think I will always have some sort of issue to work out.

I recently dated a guy who was a non drinker (no longer seeing him though). My idea was to date a non drinker to see if he could rub off on me. I never got very far in the relationship to see if that would have worked or not!!

[spuddleduck]

All The Single Ladies

dont forget about whats inside. talk about how we look and what we weigh, yeah thats important for out self esteem but its whats inside thats really important, and without al im sure our inside is a hell of a lot better than before. my fella is a lot older than me and could be mistaken for father christmas but its the inside that counts. i used to be attracted to good looking 'toy boys' but the inside isnt always as pretty

[KatieB]

All The Single Ladies

K9Lover,
I only recently started dating again.. but I used an online dating site.. I was very careful and screened well, and had 3 great dates.. I made sure we met in a public place etc.. and things went well.. I am actually still seeing someone after my last date, we got along brilliantly.. I know I still have lots of work to do on myself, but its still so nice having someone care of the opposite sex.. I was single for a year before trying dating again.. good luck, its alot of fun.. though my heart is still very protected after all the crap i've gone through lately.. just take it all with a pinch of salt, have fun is the most important thing.. and if you meet someone you click with, its a bonus!
Katie xxx

[papmom3]

All The Single Ladies

thanks Spuddle-I needed to hear that. My cousin also met and married a man older than she (she's one year older than me) a few years back. He is definitely not a spring chicken but I guess he has a heart of gold (got money too which doesn't hurt) and she's happier than she's ever been. Her first marriage was a nightmare. She is of course, tall, skinny and gorgeous. Why'd she get all the good genes???

[Chillgirl]

All The Single Ladies

K9 - Im 45 and been single for 2 years now. When I split with my boyfriend 2 years ago it was the 1st time i had been alone in 20 years (met my husband at 24) so it took a bit of getting used to. It has been an absolutely wonderful 2 years, I have got stronger and really had time to love me especially with the getting sober which I couldnt have done unless Id been alone and as focused as I've been. I've taken the time to do the inner work and feel more stable and grounded than ever before.

AND NOW IM READY TO DATE!! :dancin:

[OverIt2007]

All The Single Ladies

Hey Chillgirl!

I really believe that it is very GOOD to be alone at times. You do get to know yourself without the distractions that a relationship can bring. You can focus on yourself and not have to worry about always pleasing your partner, or misunderstandings, or all the other crap a relationship can be about.

I would have to say I know myself REAL well at this point. The only thing I do not fully understand is why I suffer from a drinking problem, but that is why I am here. To learn and DEFEAT!

[K9Lover]

All The Single Ladies

I posted this thought (realization) in another thread: I have never been in a relationship sober. That is pretty sad. Guess there's no mystery as to why they didn't work out. My last one was really a ticking time bomb as he was addicted to Meth (unbeknownst to me...at the time). The good news is that when and if there is a next time, things will be different!

[KatieB]

All The Single Ladies

K9Lover,
Same here.. I am thinking of coming clean to the guy I have been dating about my drinking problem.. especially after my hospital incident.. I want to tell him, so I no longer feel any pressure, and hope he will be able to help me.. he already told me last week that he hardly drinks himself, so I am thinking he will be very supportive, he has already been totally understanding about so many other things.. as I want to change my past record too.. without AL things are bound to be simpler, easier and happier in any relationship!

[OverIt2007]

All The Single Ladies

K-9 and Katie,

I have no doubt that the next guys you get involved with had better measure up to your standards! You never have to settle for less than you deserve. Be VERY picky and make the guy do the work, and make the effort. He needs to measure up too!

My very brief dating experience with that non drinking (and HOT too) guy was great! Was a nice change of pace to already know before hand that there would be no pressure or temptation to drink, and no making a fool of myself beforehand! I recommend non drinkers, BUT make sure we have our own drinking under control too! That is only fair.

Hugs

[hippie37]

All The Single Ladies

This is an article I re-read again myself recently after looking at my own co-dependency issues. This may answer the question daybyday was asking about AA and relationships.



Recovering addicts hear this all the time in 12-step programs. However, this sound bit of wisdom is rarely heeded. Many have a hard time accepting that a hiatus from intimate relationships is necessary. In their minds, dating and new relationships seem benign. "As long as I'm not using and we're not using and are in a program, I'm safe." Not so fast. Getting into an intimate relationship prematurely is, as my mother would say, "Ill-conceived, ill-advised and ill-consummated."


Odds are more than fifty percent of marriages will end in divorce for the general population. Want to venture a guess as to the odds for those in early recovery who test this cardinal rule?


Despite one's best laid plans or intentions to not re-enact the same dysfunction and failures of previous relationships, the odds are overwhelmingly against the relationship -- doomed to be dysfunctional or have a shortened life expectancy.


Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule, but assuming that we would not want our emotional and mental well-being to hinge on a miracle, is it worth the risk? But this is not what the recovering addict is thinking about. When it comes to delaying gratification, when it comes to 'choosing' between 'one step at a time' versus 'all at once,' thinking in terms of gradual and taking time to develop and being objective and realistic are not how addicts are wired. There is no point of reference. Most recovering addicts don't realize that admitting to being out of control and surrendering to their powerlessness, as having done so in Steps I and II, also apply to their emotions when dating and in early stage relationships.


The problem is not the relationship or the intimacy. It's the sex. Sex tends to increase one's level of emotional involvement and intensity of feelings, especially for women. Men tend to cope by splitting off from their feelings; that is, are more likely to engage in sexual relationships while remaining emotionally divorced or superficial. Sex is a trigger for emotional over-involvement or under-involvement relative to the stage of relationship. Either way, each one's inability to manage his/her own emotional needs and provide self-nourishment will eventually jeopardize the developing relationship.
What often happens is that sex, exciting enough as it is, often leads to an infusion of romantic feelings, which can further heighten the excitement, which then awakens the "sleeping giant" -- the backlog of unmet emotional needs from previous relationships. The "giant" awakens (emotionally) ravenous and is not aware of the extent his/her hunger drives the relationship. Our unmet emotional needs reside in our unconscious and are sealed off from our awareness.


It's during the first year of recovery that the addict is to learn how to break the cycle of addiction. A year of sobriety and 'relationship abstinence' are meant to allow a sufficient amount of time to deal with one's own emotions without having to resort to his/her addiction, to build self-awareness and to become responsible for one's own emotional care. Rather than relying on an external source for relief or emotional gain, which is what s/he is accustomed to do, s/he begins to look internally, to rely on oneself as a source of emotional nourishment.


"The most important relationship is with oneself" poses a complete paradigm shift to the recovering addict. If the necessary amount of time to grow the relationship with oneself hasn't lapsed, chances are the recovering addict will do what they've been accustomed to do all of their lives; that is to look outside of oneself for relief or to make up for what is missing emotionally.


When unmet emotional needs begin to get played out in the relationship, the relationship can become an addictive or dysfunctional one, which further perpetuates the cycle of addiction. There may be excitement and hope at the beginning, but it's only be a matter of time before increasing strife, stress and dysfunction lead to the relationship's demise. An additional factor of concern is that dysfunctional and failed relationships dramatically increase the risk of relapse.


At the 5 month point of a sustained period of 'relationship abstinence,' Linda, a recovering alcoholic, proceeded to date a man, Jack, whom she met at a 12-Step meeting. Jack had been sober 10 years.


After approximately 5 dates during 3 weeks of dating him, the "writing was on the wall." Linda had sex with him on the third date, which felt like quite an accomplishment that she was able to wait "so long." When I asked her to assess the level of her emotional involvement, she thought about it awhile before saying in a tone of wonderment, "Not too much I hope. Noticed myself checking my phone messages more frequently than usual. That's all." She was referring his anticipated return from being out of town for several days. She didn't want to fret about whether he would call her upon his return, but she did. She didn't want to end up calling him before he called her, but she just couldn't wait.


There were other indications of emotional over-involvement. When Linda talked about how she reacted when a couple of overtures she had made to him, i.e. expressing a desire to celebrate his birthday together and a dinner invitation, he suggested they "play it by ear," she noticed herself getting angry and responding sarcastically to him.
It was apparent that Linda was looking for assurances that he is still interested. When his assurances weren't forthcoming, she reacted as if he wasn't being truthful, that he really wasn't interested in her or the relationship, which wasn't the case. He might have been taken aback by the edge in her voice. Linda couldn't see that she was reacting from wounds of past relationships, from a place of insecurity, and the extent her mental and emotional well being hinged on how he responded to her.
The challenge for Linda remains the same as for any other recovering addict; taking the time -- how ever long the process of self-reclamation takes, before entering into a sexually, intimate relationship.


"No intimate relationships during the first year of sobriety" is merely a reminder that it takes a year or so of rigorous participation in a program that is sobriety and self-based before one is emotionally ready to get sexually involved. If entering into such a relationship prematurely, the recovering person, and anyone else for that matter, runs the risk of unresolved dependency issues tainting the newly developing relationship.

[KatieB]

All The Single Ladies

Thank you hippie 37 for that amazing post.. I read it from top to bottom.. not sure who it is for, but I will definately make note of all that you have mentioned..
I realise that with my mental status it would be wise for me to refrain from dating.. However I have been single for a year, and have improved alot.. though I do know I need to take things very slowly; the man i am dating, i have not been intimate with yet, for the reasons explained in your post.. I know I am still vulnerable and will ensure I do not get involved sexually until I feel emotionally ready - what you speak of is so true; that for women sex and emotions run paramount.. and the emotionally unhealthy person is at risk.. I am going to definately take heed, and like i said, take things very slowly, keep seeing my counsellor and refrain from AL for as long as i can,
Thanks again for such an insightful post!
Katie xxx

[OverIt2007]

All The Single Ladies

Yes, thank you Hippie. I will definately read it thoroughly. I think many of us know we really need to have issues solved before we get into a relationship. That only makes sense. I personally have been single for years, and intimacy has been out in years too! I know that any new relationship would have to proceed very very slow and in the right directions. With my luck, Ill probably be single another 15 years, so I really do not think too much about it really.

[K9Lover]

All The Single Ladies

My Avatar is my bed-buddy for the next 4 nights....who needs a man??? LOL

[OverIt2007]

All The Single Ladies

Yeah really! Look at that tounge! DOOHHH I did not SAY that, Did I???

Just having some fun K-9 on my afternoon off, He looks like a great cuddle bug!!!

[K9Lover]

All The Single Ladies

Hi Overit!
He is the sweetest dog ever! We are in love :h Yeah, that tongue needs a zip code of it's own. haha
I am always bugging my sister to give him to me, but her husband won't part with him...oh well, I take him when I can get him!
Have a great afternoon off...I am looking forward to sleeping in this weekend!