Newbie needing to vent...

[sammy7777]

Hello everyone. If I could just share some recent events and get some feedback, it would be greatly appreciated, as I'm feeling a bit lost and angry with myself at the moment. My apologies in advance if it's a bit lengthy but right now venting is all I have. Anyways here we go...

I'm a 26 year old law student with a history of depression and alcohol abuse. In terms of the problems with alcohol, it's never about cravings or drinking every day. for me, it's always ben those weekend nights where I get completely blackout drunk. I can honestly say that I could go weeks without a drink. However, i can't for the most part, go out on a Friday night and catch a happy buzz like most everyone else. Once I start, it's almost imposible for me to stop. I guess i lack that little voice that says "Ok, you're getting a little tipsy. It's time to switch to water." In fact, that little voice in my head usually brings me to the bar to bury myself with shots when it's obvious to everyone else that there's no need for any more booze. The next mornings are usually filled with regreat and self-loathing, while trying to avoid anyone that wasn't as drunk as I was the night before.

This weekend, for the first time in my life, I spent the night in jail following an arrest for disorderly conduct. As far as school goes, I should be ok, as the charges will be dismissed so long as i go to some classes and pay a fine. But for me i guess it's deeper then that. I am so sick and tired of the guilt, the paranoia, the self-hatred. When sober, I'm the nicest most personable person you'll ever meet. When drunk, it's like this evil side of me is unleashed that wants to destroy everthing thats good in my life. I become shady, deceptive, angry, etfc. with no real regard for anything. I want my life back but I'm scared of a life without alcohol. I want nothing more that to be able to go out and drink like a normal person. And I just don't know where to go from here. I'm single, in a city that loves to party with a great group of friends that also like to party. How do I tell my friends? What would i do with my time? How do I explain to people why I don't drink?

About three years ago, I almost lost everything in terms of family and friends following an alcohol related meltdown. The girlfriend at the time gave me an ultimatum, basically saying that there's no more booze if you ever want me back. And I went alcohol free for 6 months while we worked on putting the pieces back together. And it kinda felt good. But I feel like back then, I had something to work for, someone in my corner. Now I've got only myself and a bunch of friends who wouldn;t really understand. (Sure enough, she left me when I started drinking again. If she only knew how little i've progressed in three years...).

So here i am. Lost, scared, alone, feeling like the only life I've known for the past decade needs to go. And I don't know how to do it. As far as treatment, I've tried hypnotherapy to moderate the drinking. For a few months, it was a great success. I managed to find that little voice who could tell me when to stop. But that didn't seem to stick.

So anyways, thanks so much for the time. Please feel free to let me know about suggestions for moderation, abstinence, etc. Once again, I am greatly appreciative of all your help.

-- Sammy

[tawnyfrog]

Newbie needing to vent...

Hi Sammy,

Thanks for venting. It's good to get that out, don't you think? At this stage, I can only suggest you take some time and read as much as you can on this Board.

We've all been there. We understand that feeling of self-loathing and shame and we've all seen our "evil-twin". But we can, and are doing something about it.

Hope you stay and get to know us. This is an excellent place to hang out.

Tawny:welcome:

[wwbarb]

Newbie needing to vent...

Sammy - I know how you feel. My hubby loves to drink and doesn't get as bombed as I seem to. We can drink the same amount - he will be fine and I either get mad, get sleepy or get weepy. My question is - what do I do with my time? It's all we seem to do together. When we are at the bar, I start with a club soda now - it used to be a beer. As I'm drinking it, I'm thinking, I could do without a drink, or, this is boring. Then the drinks start flowing and things get to be fun. The next morning is the regret, the low production, the feeling pretty much of uselessness.

Lately, I've been working too much (I have two part time jobs) and that's been interfering with stuff I like to do - knitting, going to lunch with non-drinking friends, going to the movies, etc. I can sneak in a movie once in a while with hubby, but it's always on the way to the bar afterwards. I've tried to sit at the bar and drink club soda the entire time, but I cant' stand it after my second one. Too boring and I feel "water logged". I feel like everyone is imposing on my time, so it's not fair to ask me to give up the one thing I can do to relax.

So does that mean I am willing to give up my health, etc., to booze. No - I know what I really want is moderation, but I may not be able to do that. I guess the answer is to focus on what I get out of not drinking and enjoy those benefits. Hopefully, hubby will come along and realize that this is not the only way to live.

Barb

[xtexan]

Newbie needing to vent...

Hey sammy:

You are not alone. You have just joined with a group, where many have been right where you are at now.

Even though it's been many years since I was a student, I remember some of my drunks in college were the "best ever". Which is to say, the most damaging to me. Not just physical damage, but damage to my emotional development.

I lost the one girl, who I probably was in love with more than anything else, because of alcohol. She drank hard too, and a lot of our relationship was based on mutual binge drunkeness.

Getting arrested, because of alcohol related circumstances, means that the booze has caused a major problem in your life, that would not have existed had you been sober. A flag has gone up, maybe in your mind, where you ask, "Is this really worth it"?

Not preaching, but just telling you I understand because I've been there. I spent a night in jail due to public intoxication myself, many years ago. Even then, I just made a few adjustments, so I could keep on getting drunk. Mainly, I quit doing the hard liquor, which I dearly loved. No fun, being in the pokey with others there for the same reason.

I have pretty much abandoned my old drinking buddies, during the last 10 months. That is how long I have been sober now. Do I miss them? Sure. But this is life and death for me now, and I have told them that I have to move on, and away from being a drinker.

If you are anything like me, you probably want to find a way to just stop drinking period. That is your choice of course.

Start with the book. Read the posts in the Research and Holistic healing sections. In my case, I have to constantly use ALL the methods and tools. The supplements, the meditation (hypnosis), the exercise, and the group fellowship here on this forum. I must do it all, to even have half a chance. I spent too many years, just doing one or two things, and falling back into the drink.

I drank hard for many years. Years longer than you have been alive. 35 years. If I can do it, you can too. The earlier you get a handle on it, the better.

Welcome to the forum, and hang in there. There is hope.

Be well,

Neil

[sammy7777]

Newbie needing to vent...

Thanks to everyone for the quick responses. And yes, just venting made me feel much better. Barb, you had mentioned focusing on the benfeits of not drinking. The funny thing is, when I reflect back on that time I spent not drinking, I remember feeling amazing. It's allmost like that next morning made it all worth it, bc it was so unusual to feel that good and free of remorse. And lately, the drinking itself has not been fun. I spend so much time focusing on acting sober and babysitting myself that a night out has become some sort if awful game, hoping to make it to last call still coherant. And I think that in turn makes me worse, bc then the only time I feel "good" is when hammered bc at that point I finally don't care.

As far as the people I surround myself with, they're for the most part really good people. My old high school crew, who I moved far away from when decided on where to go to school, were definately a bad bunch that I rarely speak to anymore. But the simply fact is that the people I'm around still drink and that's one of the major problems i foresee as i call it quits.

And how have you all found the social stigma regarding those that don't drink? Have most everyday people been accepting of it? Andways, thanks again for the help.

Sammy

[wwbarb]

Newbie needing to vent...

Sammy, I found that some of the women I hung out with saw me losing weight and tried it themselves. Everyone was very accepting and complimentary. They thought I was doing it to lose weight, which is one of the reasons. I know that I've seen several drinkers I know quit and thought, it's about time. Maybe some felt like that about me too!!

[cookingqueen]

Newbie needing to vent...

What we can lose weight not drinking.....

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels