I'm a 26 year old law student with a history of depression and alcohol abuse. In terms of the problems with alcohol, it's never about cravings or drinking every day. for me, it's always ben those weekend nights where I get completely blackout drunk. I can honestly say that I could go weeks without a drink. However, i can't for the most part, go out on a Friday night and catch a happy buzz like most everyone else. Once I start, it's almost imposible for me to stop. I guess i lack that little voice that says "Ok, you're getting a little tipsy. It's time to switch to water." In fact, that little voice in my head usually brings me to the bar to bury myself with shots when it's obvious to everyone else that there's no need for any more booze. The next mornings are usually filled with regreat and self-loathing, while trying to avoid anyone that wasn't as drunk as I was the night before.
This weekend, for the first time in my life, I spent the night in jail following an arrest for disorderly conduct. As far as school goes, I should be ok, as the charges will be dismissed so long as i go to some classes and pay a fine. But for me i guess it's deeper then that. I am so sick and tired of the guilt, the paranoia, the self-hatred. When sober, I'm the nicest most personable person you'll ever meet. When drunk, it's like this evil side of me is unleashed that wants to destroy everthing thats good in my life. I become shady, deceptive, angry, etfc. with no real regard for anything. I want my life back but I'm scared of a life without alcohol. I want nothing more that to be able to go out and drink like a normal person. And I just don't know where to go from here. I'm single, in a city that loves to party with a great group of friends that also like to party. How do I tell my friends? What would i do with my time? How do I explain to people why I don't drink?
About three years ago, I almost lost everything in terms of family and friends following an alcohol related meltdown. The girlfriend at the time gave me an ultimatum, basically saying that there's no more booze if you ever want me back. And I went alcohol free for 6 months while we worked on putting the pieces back together. And it kinda felt good. But I feel like back then, I had something to work for, someone in my corner. Now I've got only myself and a bunch of friends who wouldn;t really understand. (Sure enough, she left me when I started drinking again. If she only knew how little i've progressed in three years...).
So here i am. Lost, scared, alone, feeling like the only life I've known for the past decade needs to go. And I don't know how to do it. As far as treatment, I've tried hypnotherapy to moderate the drinking. For a few months, it was a great success. I managed to find that little voice who could tell me when to stop. But that didn't seem to stick.
So anyways, thanks so much for the time. Please feel free to let me know about suggestions for moderation, abstinence, etc. Once again, I am greatly appreciative of all your help.
-- Sammy
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