Hi?

[Skye5942]

I'm scared. No one knows. I hide it very well. I talk to no one about how scared I am. To others, I have normal, everyday problems. I want to scream and see no way out. I have a mountain of debt that I have no idea how I'm gonna get out of. I work so much overtime to pay my bills but just keep getting deeper. I can't bring myself to clean the house, or even get out of the house unless its absolutely necessary.

You see, I drink. Not to the point of oblivion (most times), but enough to not care. I have worked from home for a few years now. It really hasn't helped the drinking situation. I have anxiety about leaving home, paying bills, losing everything, and I have thoughts of running away and leaving it all.

I have a 13 year old. She's a great girl, and has no idea how bad it is for me. I manage to attend all her functions happily. If she has something to do, I'm there with bells on, but sometimes its an act. I do not hide the drinking from her, but the amount is a different story. One day she will get that my mood swings and altered state at times are because of the wine. She just thinks now that I'm emotional and hasn't put it together yet. She goes to her dads every other weekend and thats when my trouble gets worse.

When left alone, I love the fact that I can smoke cigs (I hide that from her and most others too) and drink my wine. I can lay around all weekend and watch tv then about 3pm, I can have a glass of wine. In my mind, its okay. It will calm me down, and then I will clean. Nope, not happening. I make promises to myself that tomorrow all these things will happen. I will grocery shop, I will clean, I will take my dogs to the vet....blah, blah, blah. Doesn't happen. I can't function alone if I have nothing pressing. Even food in the house doesn't matter sometimes. When she's here, I play the part of good person (do my "chores") and parent and do what I have to do, but I'm scared the entire time.

I feel like a complete and utter failure, and am just waiting, like a criminal, to be "arrested" so to speak. Its like I'm in hiding and looking over my shoulder all the time. Its only a matter of time until I get found out by everyone. I live in this empty world with no one but my own thoughts and that is not a good place to be right now.

I'm sure this sounds crazy, maybe I am, but its the first time I've put it out there for anyone to see or read. God forbid I actually speak the words.

Thanks for reading.

[Liverbirdy]

Hi?

Hi Skye...I can relate to a lot of what you are saying....from the debts to the not doing things...promising myself everyday I will do this...I will do that...and just like you it doesnt happen.
Its good that you have written everything down here and will surely feel like a small weight has come off your shoulders...this is the first and most scary step..but keep coming back and posting...
Take care
Liverbirdy...

[Doggygirl]

Hi?

Wow Skye. I could have wrote that. I don't have a daughter, but at the end of my "corporate" career I worked from home, lived to drink, put off everything until tomorrow, all that stuff you describe. And I was afraid. Very afraid.

I am an alcoholic. Admitting that was the first step towards gaining my freedom from this addiction. And I LOVE my freedom. Especially after being largely a prisoner in my own home. Just me and my bottle(s).

Have you downloaded the My Way Out book? That's a great place to start. There are lots of recovery programs and lots of tools. Be willing to do whatever it takes to get sober, and you will.

If I can, you can.

DG

[Skye5942]

Hi?

I'm crying just at that fact that ya'll answered. Thank you. I don't want to be like this and don't understand why I can't get me back. I want to go back and change everything but I can't. This is what my life has become and I'm ashamed and embarrassed to be me.

[Doggygirl]

Hi?

We can't change the past, but we CAN get well and have a better life. I try to focus on just being the best "me" I can be today. And I am a completely different and much better "me" without alcohol in my life. Alcohol is poison for me. It's not for everyone, but it is for me.

Your life can and will change for the better if you find a way to get the alcohol out of the picture.

DG

[papmom3]

Hi?

Hi Skye-Please know that you are not alone. Everyone here has felt what you are feeling, done what you are doing to some extent. Some are worse, some not as bad. You have taken the first step and you have "spoken' the words. You know you need help-that what you are doing is killing you and will eventually cost you your relationship with your daughter and friends and business and could cost your dogs their lives if you are not taking care of their needs. I know-I did it myself to my dogs and cats.
Please download the MWO book-It's only $12 and change and is a facinating read. If you decide to follow the program (and I and many others have successfully), there is a pdf you can download for free with updates to the supplements.
I too was working 3 jobs and could not make ends meet but I felt that getting out from under the Beast (alcohol) was more important than anything so instead of buying wine the weekend I decided to stop drinking and follow the program, I went to my local nutrition store and drug stores and was able to get every single supplement I needed and I started that day. I can't tell you how much these supplements have helped me. I also ordered the CDs but haven't listened to them as much as is recommended. A lot of people in this community swear by the CDs so I think they are worth ordering.
I used AL to avoid the unpleasant things in my life: a job I hate, not enough money to do what I want, a lack of social life and mostly, to sleep at nite. Unfortunately, this avoidance also resulted in coming close to being fired because of sick days due to being hungover, negelecting my dogs and cats, gaining a ton of weight, health problems-I could go on and on. I don't have any kids so I don't have the added pressure of raising a teenage girl and dealing with an ex so I feel for you.
With a desire to change your life for the better, the MWO program and the non judgemental support of this community, you can be successful. You have to take it One Day at a Time (ODAT) and you have to really want this. You will have slips and backslides but each time you will learn something new about yourself.
Some people here augment this program with medications like Topomax and Baclofen and Camprel. there is a thread on meds where you can get great info and ask questions. They also add AA to their program. It's all a very personal choice. Whatever you can throw at the Beast is what you need to do. If you have tried to stop before and have suffered moderate to severe withdrawal symptoms you MUST get medical help before you stop drinking so that you can get through the withdrawal period safely.
I have been AF (alcohol free) for over 90 days and just recently celebrated my first 30 day stretch (I slipped up 2 times during the first 2 months for a night each). I have learned so much in these 3 months and have made some wonderful friends. My health is still precarious but I didn't get to this point overnight so it will take more than 3 months to turn things around. However, I feel much better, have way more energy than I ever remember having in decades and have done things I never would have done in my drinking days. I also came clean to my family quite early in the process since whenever we get together we drink like crazy, even my 83 yo dad. They have been very supportive and are questioning their own drinking habits now.
I hope you will find some time to read the book, thoroughly explore this site and read read read, post post post. There is a Newbies Nest in the Starting Over section that I think you will thoroughly enjoy. Also, to help you with making a plan, please visit the Toolbox Thread. Start from the beginning so you get all the great ideas: https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html

I wish you the best of luck Skye. We are here for you whenever and however you need us to be.

:l Papmom3

[techie]

Hi?

Welcome Skye I wish you success and happiness!

[Marshy]

Hi?

Hi Skye,

I used to be in a relationship with a woman who had to go away on business fairly frequently. As soon as she left, I would be straight out of the door to the supermarket to stock up with booze and spend the time she was away drinking all day and living like a slob. And then before she got back I'd clean up a bit, throw out all the bottles, buy some food and hope I didn't look like too much of a mess.

So I can relate to the hiding and the feeling like two people (I did drink when she was there as well but tried - usually in vain - to keep some sort of control over it. I used to look forward to her going away so I could live like I *wanted* to.

The good news is that everything starts to get better when you stop drinking. It really does. You'll feel better about yourself. How about making a plan about what you're going to do when your daughter goes away next time. How are you going to spend your time without drinking?

[Mazzie]

Hi?

Hi Skye

:goodjob: on coming here and posting so honestly. You sound like me (or the way I used to be) if I can do it, you can. Lots of good advice here if you can take it on board. Alcohol really messes with your head and emotions. Getting rid of that is the first step. You are then able to grow into a new you and a new life. Get other things sorted. Its so worth it for yourself and for your daughter.

All the best. Looking forward to getting to know you a bit better.

Maz

[sunshinedaisies]

Hi?

Welcome Skye - you have no need to be ashamed or embarrassed to be you, about anything you do or have done. There is nothing that you can have done that someone on this site hasn't already been there and done that!!! We are all, or have been, in the same boat - which is the great thing about this site - we are all here to help each other. It is wonderful to have the support from the others - we all help each other - any questions or any needs - just post and someone will be here for you.

Once again, welcome, you have come to the right place.

Hugs to you, Sunshinedaisies

[Lavande]

Hi?

Hi Skye,

Welcome to MWO, this is a good place!
I am happy & sober today because of the wonderful friends I've made here.

Make yourself a good plan. Look in the https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html
for some great ideas

Wishing you the best on your journey,
Lav

[Guest]

Hi?

Thank you for your post Skye. You certainly need a plan, especially concerning the debt and getting off the booze.
I have a suggestion. Make a little list of all your concerns and try to rank them in order of importance (whatever is causing most grief at the top) When you have prioritised everything, see what is easiest to do and do it. This simple step will encourage you to move onto the next and subsequent steps.
Obviously the debt problem can be analysed. An accountant or financial adviser can help with an impartial analysis. It may be that a debt consolidation plan will put you back in control. Maybe a slash and burn to liquidate assets will be necessary? Sometimes it's best to leave a sinking ship.
Drinking does not help, just takes away resolve and energy, so that must go. Easy to say I know. But put it on the list.
Look at your life and try to simpilfy things as much as possible. Each situation, event or circumstance can be tested with the formula 'Cut it out, cut it down or streamline it.' Go for the utmost simplicity...that will clear your mind and focus your thinking.
I do wish you all the best, and if it's any help, many of us have been there ourselves...we know what it's like and will do all we can to help you win.

[patrice]

Hi?

Hi Skye... your post really resonated with me because I have similar issues but everyone here will give you some great strategies for getting things together. I know what it is like to feel that you live in chaos and the constant anxiety that goes with it, its exhausting
Hi Blue, what great advice to simpilfy and par things down.. I'm going to try and do that myself today.. still haven't started Day 1, oh dear...

[Ringing Cedars]

Hi?

Welcome Skye! Lots of good information and support here. Keep reading and posting. You will find your way! )

[Gaia]

Hi?

Hi Skye,
Welcome. You will find lots of support here. You have taken a big first step in posting, and please continue to keep close. I have worked from home for the past several years and I know how it is. You can change it if you are ready.
Best to you.