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Scared Out of My Mind

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    #1

    Scared Out of My Mind

    I haven't been here in quite a while and I've come to the realization this morning that this is just beyond my control. I've actually finally placed a call to my mother and have owned up to my failings, of which she was not shocked at all. Guess I've not been as good at covering up as I thought. So, although I will still come here, I've made the commitment to find a treatment center. I just can't go on like this and I realize I'm going to kill myself if I simply don't get this under control. So I have the feeling that my mother will be coming to my house and I am hoping I am not going to regret this. I try to do everything alone and I finally have reached out and asked for help. It's scary and I wish I could just wave a wand and not be this way anymore.

    My story is no different than so many on this site and while I have been fortunate enough to keep my drinking a "in the closet" so to speak, there comes a point in which the cracks begin to show. So I am hoping that reaching out for help is the right step. Now it's time to get real and take the serious action I've been avoiding for some 20 years.
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    #2
    Scared Out of My Mind

    seila...i am so glad you made that call....please keep us posted and let usknow how you are doing
    I love my family more than alcohol.:h
    Live in the Solution....not the problem

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      #3
      Scared Out of My Mind

      Hey Seila - Congrats on that step for help. It's a big one and I think it was the right one. Very brave of you! :l:l
      "Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.".....Carol Burnett
      ..........
      AF - 7-27-15

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        #4
        Scared Out of My Mind

        Hang in there

        It's scary to try to stop. Frightening to reach out. I'm with you. But really, the alternative is very bleak. I've found so much hope and, really, the only way to get sober, is to reach out to other people. Tough for me! I tend to be a little paranoid and a lot self-conscious.
        Calling your mom was the right thing to do if she's supportive. And treatment was a good stepping stone for me. I learned how to live on a schedule, which has repeatedly stood up as a way to achieve some measure of sanity. And I figured out that we've got to eat! My delusion that I could nutrition my way to sobriety has not stood the test of time, alas. But I look good! And when not hungover or drunk, I feel pretty damn good.
        So keep reaching out. Really. I just keep connecting, knowing that at some point something will work and life will change. It will. It's better than it ever has been and I'm not sober yet! Woohoo! My mantra these days: Bring it on! I've got this! ('cause really what's the alternative? No-one can do it for us, and we can't do it alone, I don't think.)

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          #5
          Scared Out of My Mind

          Thanks, research. I am very self-concious and definitely paranoid. I kept hoping that life would change, that something would happen to make it all go away. I am now coming to the realization that something has happened and it was me reaching out for help instead of trying to hide this probelm. I realize that only I can make this work but I also now know I can't do it alone. I have no idea what type of treatment plan I will work out...very afraid about what I will learn. So, my mom is supportive and she's coming to make sure I make the call and that I go. She said she'd hold my hand or hand me tissues if I needed them. It is amazing how much support is out there if you need it.

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            #6
            Scared Out of My Mind

            Good for you Seila, well done for coming here at a time that's not too late, well done for noticing the cracks before they got bigger. Did I say well done yet? Yes I did.. well done!

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              #7
              Scared Out of My Mind

              Seila- I am so pleased for you - I am so pleased that your mum is so supportive too! That is wonderful. It gave me goosebumps to read that. Good for you. Keep posting and keep us informed won't you. You are doing the right thing, and it is a brave thing too!! Go you.

              hugs to you,
              love, Jean
              How simple it is to see that we can only be happy now and there will never be a time when it is not now....

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                #8
                Scared Out of My Mind

                I am very happy for you Seila for having the courage to reach out. We can hide from others but not ourselves. Please keep us posted on your progress. I wish you only the best!
                Outside of a dog a book is mans best friend. Inside of a dog its too dark to read

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                  #9
                  Scared Out of My Mind

                  Seila, I am so happy for you that you have had the clarity to see and acknowledge the problem and seek help. Your life can only get better. One thing....in this journey you have lots of friends! We have all been there!

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                    #10
                    Scared Out of My Mind

                    Hi Seila, you have made a courageous start to your journey of leaving alcohol behind you. You will be so happy with life without booze. Asking for help, and reading and writing lots in here will help a great deal. One day at a time.
                    Hill
                    Sober since Feb 7, 2010.

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                      #11
                      Scared Out of My Mind

                      Hi Seila,

                      Wow, i remember you from when you were here last. A little while ago. Great to see you choosing to make a change, and taking action. Go for it friend!

                      Bravo!

                      'I am part of all that I have met, yet all experience is an arch wherethro', gleams that untravelled world whose margins fade, forever and forever when I move'

                      Zen soul Warrior. Freedom today-

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                        #12
                        Scared Out of My Mind

                        Thanks all for the words of support. Guitarista - so glad to see you're still out here. Thankfully, Doggiegirl who is in my area has reached out with numbers for resrouces and for AA. Not sure what I'd do without her.

                        I've been up an down for the past year but I think that was just part of my path to come to the realization that I cannot do this alone and telling my family about my struggles was the first step to reaching out for a lifeline (aside from coming here). My mom arrived yesterday afternoon and said that she'd been waiting for this call from me. My dad called me to and said that he'd be there too if I needed him. My dad reminded me that my grandmother was an alcoholic and I had two uncles who drank themselves to death. I've got history with this.

                        When my son asked why his nana was back, I told him that she'd come to help me because I'd been sad and I realized I had to work on things to make myself happy. He actually started to cry. When I asked him why he just said that he was worried about me and he knew I was unhappy but didn't know what to do - he's 9. I think I was really unaware of how much I was spiraling out of control.

                        Thanks all, don't know what I'd do wihtout you. Scared out of my mind still, but not going it alone anymore.

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                          #13
                          Scared Out of My Mind

                          So, I went to the meeting...no meeting. Yep, found myself in a boy scout meeting, definitely not what I was looking for. I've checked times and locations...must have gotten cancelled. I am going to try to find the humor in it and find another meeting location. Nothing's ever easy is it?

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                            #14
                            Scared Out of My Mind

                            My heart sank when I read about the no meeting. I am so glad you are working to see the humor in it. At least there is no booze at Boy Scouts. Keep trying! Once you get "plugged in" you will quickly find out where all the meetings are. There are challenges for AA keeping everything up to date as it's all volunteer, and meetings can be a very fluid thing.

                            It is fabulous that your parents are giving you support and understanding. That must be a relief. I don't have kids but have heard a number of Alateen speakers - now that is humbling. It made me realize that kids know WAY more about what is going on that we credit them for. Listening to Alateen and also Alanon speakers has also helped me see that we do NOT only hurt ourselves with our drinking - that was a myth that I clung to deeply - I "wasn't hurting anyone else" so just leave me alone with my bottle! I have discovered that my selfish drinking ways caused a lot a pain for my loved ones.

                            Anyway...the good news is that you CAN put all this behind you and move forward in a better way.

                            Please let me know if I can help you in any way. I hope we get the chance to meet one day.

                            DG
                            Sobriety Date = 5/22/08
                            Nicotine Free Date = 2/27/07

                            One day at a time.

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Scared Out of My Mind

                              Siela1,
                              I am glad you found the humor in finding yourself in a Boy Scouts meeting. It is pretty funny. I think part of their mottos is to help others but I think they had in mind helping old ladies across the street. Just don't give up. I read the words about your son with great empathy and sympathy. My daughter once unloaded on me about my drinking and I was amazed at what she knew and felt. We definitely have the perspective that we are not hurting anyone else but it is sooo not true. But it is obvious from his worry that your son loves you. When he sees you make the change to an AF life, he will be so proud of you and not worried anymore. That is sure something to work for. Good luck to you. prancy

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