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Have just realised there is so much pain and grief underneath my drinking...

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    #1

    Have just realised there is so much pain and grief underneath my drinking...

    So, here we go, the big crash. Sometimes at work, i get these moments of absolute desolation, where i feel nothingness and the most empty, lonely feeling, like absolute hell. It usually happens in the mornings, like about 1-1.5 hours after i get out of bed and within the first hr or two of work.

    Lately, all i want to do is cry. I know there is so much pain and grief under my drinking and i know if i stop, i will have to face it. It's grief from my sister's death, from two failed relationships i have had in the past 2 years and from the mistakes i have made. Sometimes it feels insurmountable and sometimes i wonder what's the point. I really don't want to give up drinking because i know i'll have to face all of this and i really don't want to. I've got to find a way out of this, if i could not drink for one night, it would be a miracle..

    Where do i start?
    One day at a time.. Sometimes it's one minute or one second at a time.. Most important thing is to look ahead and don't look back!
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    #2
    Have just realised there is so much pain and grief underneath my drinking...

    Change,

    I am so sorry for the loss of your sister, and the loss of your relationships.. I can totally empathize with your grief. I started drinking heavily almost 4 years ago after the deaths of my very best friend, my father, my brother, and the break-up of a five-year relationship. I was so sad and lonely, I would just sit on my couch and drink all day on the weekends. I would ruminate over all the mistakes I had made in the past, the people I hurt, for various reasons, the anger I felt over the deaths of people I loved, circumstances I couldn't control. I, too, was overwhelmed with sadness.

    Back then, I should have seen a grief therapist, as someone had suggested. I didn't want to go....I thought talking about my pain would make me feel worse, and I didn't want to have to admit that I was drinking heavily to drown out my sorrow.

    The truth is, and what I didn't realize, was that I was becoming more despondent BECAUSE I was drinking. I was stupid enough to think that the truth that alcohol is a major depressant did not apply to ME.

    Change, drinking will only make this situation worse because then not only are you dealing with the death of your sister, you are dealing with shame and self-loathing. I speak from experience, believe me.

    See a therapist. I finally did, and I am so glad.

    I'll be praying that you find peace. Post often. We have all been in your shoes and we are here to help.

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      #3
      Have just realised there is so much pain and grief underneath my drinking...

      Change,

      I'm sorry for your loss. Everything Rusty said is very good advice. I too would suggest talking with a counsulor. I too have under lying issues that lead to my drinking problem. Only by dealing with those problems was I able to deal with the drinking. Now today I have 86 days sober. I'm still dealing with pain and sadness but its a lot easier to deal with without alcohol.
      Sober since 4/8/10 -OVER 150 DAYS AND GOING AF!!!!

      Get busy livin or get busy dyin-Duane Peters
      No more bad future-Skull Skates

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        #4
        Have just realised there is so much pain and grief underneath my drinking...

        Change, I know what you are saying. I have had a dreadful time in the last 3 years which I chose to 'deal with' by drinking. The problem was I wasn't dealing with anything, I was drowning everything. There comes a day when we have to face up to things that have happened and believe you me its very painful, but at least when it has been dealt with you can move on. Burying the grief means you can never move on. I am just coming to terms with stuff now and its hard, I cry a lot, I am grieving for loved ones 2 years after the event, but at least I am grieving not drowning. I know I will come out the other end of this - maybe with some medical help, but I will never recover with alcohol in my life - I know that. Give it a go, I would suggest going to a doctor and talking as a first step. Good luck
        Molly
        Contentedly sober since 27/12/2011
        contentedly NF since 8/04/14

        Comment

          #5
          Have just realised there is so much pain and grief underneath my drinking...

          Hi Change, I am so sorry for your pain - it really is so hard to bear at times isnt it..
          I agree 100% with what Rusty, Sk8 and Molly have written. I have similar experiences too and used the drinking.. never never not once did it help in any way... and it never will, never. alcohol for me just delayed and buried things - Change... its true - delaying and burying means running on the spot until it is confronted and the pain will be immense but you will go through it rather than around it and alcohol is fantastic at allowing you to go around your pain without actually feeling it.
          Counselling is, among other things, a very helpful tool as well for a lot of people. I know for me it is very cathartic in dealing with things that alcohol hid and I would recommend it
          Take Care.. have Hope you WILL get there
          Patrice x

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            #6
            Have just realised there is so much pain and grief underneath my drinking...

            Change, you are WORTHY of a HAPPY life. There is nothing you can do that cannot be forgiven. Forgive yourself! Im sorry to hear of your sisters death. Thats a hard one. Let me ask you this, would your sister want you to be happy and go on with your life? Keep her legacy alive by remembering her with love, and learn to love yourself. I know its hard... Im thinking of you today
            I LOVE MY SEROTONIN AND BOOZE SCREWS IT UP!!!!!

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              #7
              Have just realised there is so much pain and grief underneath my drinking...

              It's never too late to get the medical support needed. I began drinking heavily after 9/11. It wasn't until seven years later that I was diagnosed with PTSD. I am still in therapy. Unfortunately, using alcohol to self-medicate is at best a fleeting solution to deep emotional trauma and negative feelings. Alcohol can actually exacerbate anxiety responses, triggering depression, encouraging isolation and covering the mind in a haze of emotional numbness. Physically, alcohol makes our minds and bodies less able to cope with life?s challenges, as we never develop the coping skills necessary to overcome them, and we experience lower quality of sleep, less hydration and lower levels of intuition and cognitive acuity. So, I think you received some excellent advice here. I hope this helps and comforts you. Again, there is help out there, just reach out. I wish you well!
              Outside of a dog a book is mans best friend. Inside of a dog its too dark to read

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                #8
                Have just realised there is so much pain and grief underneath my drinking...

                Thank you everyone. I am considering going home and emptying out the bottle i started last night. Only problem is to find a good counsellor. That is what's been putting me off. I don't want just anyone, i want the right counsellor.

                Anyway, i'll read these posts again when i get home. I know i've got to deal with these feelings, it all just seems so over-whelming right now. In one way, i don't really want to stop drinking and i'm not sure why, but in another, i am starting to realise that i'll have to cos i want to feel better and am sick of feeling like this.

                One big prob. is that i'm isolated. My only friend drinks, but he'd probably be understanding if i told him i was quitting. Only problem is, when i'm with him, so much easier to say yes than to continue with sobriety. Maybe i'll try to find activities that don't involve alcohol with him. Other friend, whom i am getting sick of (fair weathered friend, only calls for advice) has a major drinking problem, but won't be that hard letting go of him for a while cos he's been annoying me anyway

                So, yeah, the one big problem in my life is that i am lonely.
                One day at a time.. Sometimes it's one minute or one second at a time.. Most important thing is to look ahead and don't look back!

                Comment

                  #9
                  Have just realised there is so much pain and grief underneath my drinking...

                  Change,
                  I am also very sorry to hear of your pain.. well done on tipping the AL away.. take one day at a time.. AL will only make everything seem worse.. if you face up to your problems sober, they will not seem as big, and you will become stronger as a result.. have you thought of seeing a counsellor?
                  Maybe join some groups/clubs near you (that don't involve AL) - try the internet too.. though obviously be careful with this.. we are here for you too,
                  Katie xxx
                  "It works if you work it, because you are worth it!!!"

                  :groupluv:

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Have just realised there is so much pain and grief underneath my drinking...

                    Katie, hi. Sorry, i got a bit harsh with you a few weeks ago, i just couldn't stand to see you fall off the wagon. I hope things are going better

                    Okay, okay. I'll have to admit i need to see a counsellor... Any advice on how to find the right one (anybody)?
                    One day at a time.. Sometimes it's one minute or one second at a time.. Most important thing is to look ahead and don't look back!

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Have just realised there is so much pain and grief underneath my drinking...

                      Change.. no worries, what's in the past is in the past.. i think i scared a few people! lol.. as for finding a counsellor.. i found mine by going through the Drug & Alcohol service at my local hospital.. other ways of finding one is:
                      A/ go to a GP and ask them to refer you to one..
                      B/ look on the internet and search for one's in your area..
                      C/ look in the yellow pages where you live..
                      Good luck!
                      Katie xx
                      "It works if you work it, because you are worth it!!!"

                      :groupluv:

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Have just realised there is so much pain and grief underneath my drinking...

                        KatieB;902272 wrote: i think i scared a few people! lol..
                        Ha haha! You've just got to scare the right people, lol.

                        Okay, i'll do some research. I think online in my area would be a good start. The thing is, with most counsellors, they're all out for business, so they list almost "everything" in the yellow pages. I think it's also a matter of ringing some of them and seeing if you 'gel' with them. I need somebody i can connect with and somebody who'll stand up to me, cos i'm a hard case :naked: I'm also very fussy on who i let into my life.
                        One day at a time.. Sometimes it's one minute or one second at a time.. Most important thing is to look ahead and don't look back!

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Have just realised there is so much pain and grief underneath my drinking...

                          Change, this is real positive post you've made. Stopping drinking for me meant I had to face my fears and work through them with the help of others. I needed other people to help me through it because I couldn't deal with the pain alone. Re-visiting such sensitive stuff was scary as hell but it's what's made me stronger today in dealing with everyday living without needing to drink or take drugs to cope.

                          The insight you have shown to recognise your own demons is really positive. It's a real awakening. But to get to full bloom the suggestion of seeing a counselor, in my opinion, is the next step towards sobriety.

                          My personal experience was that seeing a counselor meant I could swerve the real issues. Or if I touched upon them I would manipulate and get into debating the issues rather than re-visit them and feel what it was I was feeling. I really didn't want to go there to be honest. It was only through seeing an addictions therapist that they were able to see through me and know what it was I was doing. I would suggest you look into seeing an addictions counselor, someone who has been through what you've been through who will be able to guide you to your real feelings and not the surface ones. I just wanted to stay on the surface, I didn't want to go any deeper. But that's where the real healing will take place for you. You have to go into that place of fear, loneliness, guilt, shame and grief. If you're anything like me you'll do everything you can NOT to go there!! Believe me though, it's so worth it if you do.

                          Many Blessings
                          Phil
                          "Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children." Kahlil Gibran
                          Clean and sober 25th January 2009

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                            #14
                            Have just realised there is so much pain and grief underneath my drinking...

                            Thanks Phil,
                            I've been thinking along those lines myself and you have confirmed what I probably need to do - it sounds scary tho.
                            Change, how are you today?
                            Molly
                            Contentedly sober since 27/12/2011
                            contentedly NF since 8/04/14

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Have just realised there is so much pain and grief underneath my drinking...

                              I know this is really bad, but i have been drinking tonight. It was my plan. If i can get the courage, i am going to flush the rest of the bottle (on second bottle, so total one bottle for me tonight), down the sink. I am already debating whether to have this extra glass that is staring at me. That could well be the turning point... Will i be strong enough to resist? I've got to think about it for the next 30 mins. I am on the verge of passing out, so that may be a good thing,,
                              One day at a time.. Sometimes it's one minute or one second at a time.. Most important thing is to look ahead and don't look back!

                              Comment

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