Technically I'm not just starting out but it feels like that sometimes when i'm stuck in this vicious circle. About this time last year I felt I had hit rock bottom, I wanted n needed help n I took it in the form of rehab, councillars, groups, online forums. I have had fantastic support unfortunately not from the closest people to me. I've had moments when I really thought I was winning but I always end up at the bottom of the bottle or in the gutter somewhere. I thought this was cos I wasn't trying hard enough but now i'm questioning whether I can live without it. I feel i'm in a catch 22 situation. What does it take to be 'normal' again n what am I doing wrong. I knew it wouldn't be easy but the harder I try the more it looks like a life long battle that i'm just not up for anymore.
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Can't live with it, can't live without it
Who knows what it takes to be normal my friend. Only yesterday I reflected upon the fact that I will never be like most people who don't know what it's like to have a drink problem, simply because when things go well I have a deeper appreciation for it. Normality is not real, it's an idea created by someone to categorise the unquantifiable intricacies of humanity. What is real is the struggle and the fight. That is what I have to do. Take one day at a time and simply not drink throughout that day. No matter what.
Keep fighting and let me know how you are doing, as often as you can.
Johnny"The greatest hazard of all, losing one?s self, can occur very quietly in the world, as if it were nothing at all. No other loss can occur so quietly; any other loss - an arm, a leg, five dollars, a wife, etc. - is sure to be noticed." Soren Kierkegaard.
AF since 13 June 2010.
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