I guess the question is why?

[lil.michelle]

SO, i posted on here last night but it was really short. I'm back cause yes i had drink last night and also drink a week ago and many times before that. My hubby has been giving me antabuse but only 1 every 2 weeks which used to do the trick until a 'tested' it and found that actually i could drink after 10 days of taking it, the 8 days after taking the a week and even 3 days after having one but it had a result which was one hell of a rash all over my face, arms, legs ect ect so there was no hiding i'd drunk. That is a good thing tho.

I've been 100% honest with my hubby and told him that I do not trust myself with drink right now and if i can't trust myself HE DAMN WELL CANNOT! So i've been taking antabuse on a regular basis and i beggeg him to give me one a day for a while until i figure out what's making me tick like this again and he's been good but the odd day he misses a dose... i drink. HOWEVER, i do not drink or feel tempted to drink at the weekends when he is with me. I've posted notes on every door and all over the house saying, give mummy antabuse! It's not like i'm not trying but if he slips i slip.

I have 2 children and i almost lost my hubby ages ago and my baby girl due to drink and there is no a chance im going back to that place. I also almost lost my family. I'm not going back to that dark place, id rather die then put my family through it.

I love my life, i love my children, i'm a FANTASTIC mum and a great wife (i hope) I live life, i love being sober, i've even lost every pound of my baby weight and look fantastic, i feel great most of the time. HOWEVER, i feel like i've let my family down when i drink. It really is an odd occasion i drink but i hate myself so much it's unreal. I let my children down and i let my hubby down. He's all i got. He's my life, my soul, my love and i let him down.

I guess i need to find out what's happening to make me tick this way again....... Ideas people please.

[KatieB]

I guess the question is why?

hi Lil.michelle,
I have been in the same situation as you.. I almost lost my son due to drink.. though I left my ex husband as he assaulted me.. but have a wonderful partner now who is treating me with the respect I deserve!
You have come to a great place to get support.. I am going ODAT at the moment.. trying to go for as long as I can without a drink.. I feel so much happier, healthier - physically and mentally, now I am sober.. it really is not worth the risk of messing up my life so I want to remain abstinent for as long as possible! I am also seeing a counsellor on a regular basis.. my advice is to read and post often.. maybe go ODAT or join a 30 day challenge.. all the best to you,
Katie x

[Flip Top]

I guess the question is why?

May I ask the question why your hubby is in control of your medication?
If you need to take them you should be able to have access to them in my eyes.

[hippie37]

I guess the question is why?

I let my children down and i let my hubby down. He's all i got. He's my life, my soul, my love and i let him down.

What stuck out for me the most Michelle was the fact you didn't mention YOU in all of that. I tried getting sober for everyone else but me. I was convinced I was doing for me, but in all honesty I was ashamed of being a bad son, father, brother, partner etc. Of course I WAS all of these things because I had no self esteem and was unable to live up to expectations of me in these roles. Those expectations were of my own making though through my perfectionism and need to control everything in my life. I had to be the best at something otherwise I wouldn't even attempt to do it.

It was so hard to see sometimes who it was I was really doing this for because I was deep in the delusion that my life WAS great. I'd even rationalised to myself that I could drink moderately at one point. That was so painful an experience of trying to keep that facade up in front of my family.

I'd be a complete liar if I didn't say I wanted sobriety for my daughter in the beginning. I was going to lose her and my contact was nearly non-existent. Yet I still continued drinking until finally I did crack. I was empty inside. It was about a few months into sobriety that I realised I had to start thinking about ME and my life. I had to be selfish and say "I want sobriety for ME!". When I stopped looking for blame and started to take responsibility for me as a person things started to change. When I put my needs in sobriety above everything else (and I do mean EVERYTHING) I was able to be the father I'd always wanted to be. My sobriety will always come before my daughter because without sobriety I won't have a daughter. It's that simple for me. I know a lot of people will not get that or understand where I'm coming from saying that but it's what keeps me being the 'greatest daddy in the world' to my little girl.

Thanks for the post and allowing me to share that with you. That's really helped ME today Michelle.

Many Blessings
Phil

[not tonight]

I guess the question is why?

Michelle,
I couldn't agree with hippie37 more. The only way I have been able to stay sober is to first do it for myself. It's like when you are on an airplane and the steward instructs you that in case of emergency you put the oxygen mask on yourself first and then help your children with their mask. You have to put your well being at the forefront if you really want to be sober and to be the best you can be for your family.

I tried for years to convince myself that I could drink moderately, but this always led to abuse, depression, anxiety. Life without drinking is liberating. When you are sober, or not jung over you are much more capable of dealing the stresses in life, you are more present for the good times. I have to run but please pm if you want. Take care!

[lil.michelle]

I guess the question is why?

this is about me tho. I'm happy, great when i don't drink. I do have a great life, hubby, children. IF i drink i WILL lose all of that and i'm soooo scared of becoming that person i used to be ages ago. Id rather die then turn into that person again and i will not. I did great when i was pregnant, didn't drink once. Did great when i was working... didn't drink. I'm just low, i'm tired, i'm suffering post natal depression and i'm stupid that it even crosses my mind to drink.
i will be sober. I am not drinking again!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i've got to get out of this state of mind.

My hubby controls the tablets cause i can't whole heartly say id take them some days so that i could drink. i've asked him too. i have access to them when ever i want them.

[Flip Top]

I guess the question is why?

Phil you are a good man - I have always said perfection is some people major let down because I think I am the same. I went from one job in my life which I was actually making a career out of to one that is a dead end and I have hated from day 1 but stayed there for 6yrs. I have a tendency to nit pick when the finished article is at its final state. I lost confidence in my self and ability so moved to this 2nd job. I still beat myself up today for leaving that first job.....

I suppose what keeps my head up is that I have learned a skill and as someone told me years ago - No one can take it away from me.

[KatieB]

I guess the question is why?

Lil.michelle,
I too suffered with post-natal depression.. it was awful; have you thought of seeing your GP or a counsellor? that may help.. its great that you are looking for help.. I turned to AL when I was depressed too.. what a horrible experience that was for me.. and you have enough insight to know its not the way to go; AL will just make you more depressed! it sounds like you have a wonderful life.. AL is definately not something worth risking losing everything for.. i know, ive been there too.. i also never want to go back that way! i am learning other ways of coping with life's ups and downs.. i try and find humour now, and treat myself.. look after yourself and do something nice for yourself.. having young kids is not easy, so you really have to make time for yourself, to just be "you"..
Katie xx