Ohhh Mommie Dearest

[DaisyAngel]

I have always been really concientious about my health, eat well and take regular exercise.
However I have been reaching for the bottle most evenings now for over 8 years and I am falling apart as a result. I cannot form lasting relationships, family relationships have broken down and my friends wont talk to me. this is not because I exhibit drunken behaviour or get drunk when I am with them. i am a secret drunk.

My mother drives me crazy and I can no longer be in her company, I used to be able to tolerate her, but I had to have a few wines to do this. I now would rather not bother as there is a lot of anger towards her from my childhood and she irritates the hell out of me.

I recently had an 11 day abstinence period whereby I felt great, lost a few pounds and was very positive about most aspects of my life. Then my mother showed up. I had not seen her for 3 months. She had left my house back then, slamming every door she could in her wake because I had asked her some stuff about my childhood. Stuff that, as usual she denies and cannot remember! 'Why do you always bring up the past?' is what she says.

Why do I bring up the past? I wanted some answers. Why did she hit me so much even when I was good, why she allowed my brother to hit me, why she blamed me for all the bad shit that happened in her life, why I was the little house maid whilst my siblings did nothing, why I was abandoned aged 12 whilst she ran off with my siblings. Why she put her social life above all else and blamed us bastard kids for ruining her life. She has never put any importance on our relationship and would constantly let me down as a child and even more so in adult life. Always turning up late is her favourite.

It would be fair to say that I have given up looking for a needle in a haystack with her. I have been advised by a counsellor to have time out from her, which is what i have been doing these past 3 months. I have not missed her at all and really enjoyed her not being about with her poisonous gossipy tongue and nosey manner.
Why is she such a trigger to my demise into alcoholism?

I have had so much counselling, NLP and hypnotherapy but still I cannot shake off this omen that haunts me.

I am hoping that I can find some answers, help and support here.

[mollyka]

Ohhh Mommie Dearest

Woow Daisy that is some heavy stuff!! First of all welcome to you and yes you have come to a great place, I reckon there is no problem or situation that somebody here hasn't encountered. As you have had so much professional advice I can only presume they know what they are talking about.

Something I do know about is difficult families. I adored my mum, she died 2 years ago and she was a wonderful mother - but I have 2 sisters who I can only describe as bad people - mean to my Mum when she was ill and awful to me and my family - and yes my downward spiral into a bottle was accelerated by that situation - no excuses, I always drank too much but they surely didn't help!!
What I'm trying to say is we can't pick our families and if your mother causes you so much distress and your counsellor says to have time out from her, that is what I would do. She obviously doesn't want to give you answers to your questions and until she does want to I'm afraid you will have to leave it to her?!
It's very hard, and if you are like me, when I was drinking I blamed myself for everything - didn't have the clarity to know if I was right or wrong. Sober now, I can honestly and thankfully say I caused none of the hate and hurt.
Drinking will not help any of this - try not drinking for a few days and see how you feel, you will feel better again
Keep in touch
Molly

[dancelot]

Ohhh Mommie Dearest

:welcome: Just wanted to say welcome, Daisy Angel - Keep reading, keep posting for a start. There is a ton of support, useful advice, and always someone to listen, and just as likely, someone who can relate to what you are going through. I wish you the best on your journey. :h

[sunshinedaisies]

Ohhh Mommie Dearest

OH Daisy - I feel for you. The thing is that you cannot change her - it is hard enough to change oneself. I will not go into my childhood but at the age of 35 decided that it had had enough impact on my life and I had to do something about it. I like you, had counselling and other stuff trying to shake it off - in the end the only thing I could do, was to forgive her (my mum)! Yes, - I forgave her! I decided that the stuff that she did to me was in the past, that I couldn't change it, that dwelling on it didn't help anyone and that it was basically ruining my life (AL) so, after a lot of soul searching, I really did forgive her. I also wrote and told her that!! She was very upset that I felt that I had to do that and said that she had done nothing to be forgiven for - instead of getting into it with her I just told her that was what I had done to be able to get on with my life. It wasn't easy Daisy, but it felt SO GOOD when it was over and done. Drinking dulls the emotions and helps blot it out but in the long run it doesn't help. I am now AF and finally have a pretty good relationship with my mum. She now accepts the way things were and feels that we have both grown!! Don't know if any of this will help you or not - but I felt I had to write it. I wish you peace with your past - it isn't easy and it takes strength to come to terms with but it is your life that is on the line here.

Love and hugs to you,

Sunshinedaisies xx

[techie]

Ohhh Mommie Dearest

Hi Daisy Angel and welcome. You will get plenty of support here. Please read and keep posting. I do hope you find some peace and happiness along your journey. I look forward to getting to know you better...john

[Marshy]

Ohhh Mommie Dearest

Hi Daisy Angel,

Sounds like you have a lot of things to work out. And maybe you'll never have a great relationship with your mum but I do know that all my relationships improved when I stopped drinking. Taking alcohol out of the picture can only help matters.

:welcome:

[not tonight]

Ohhh Mommie Dearest

Daisyangle,

I have a similar relationship with my mother. No one is more toxic to me. Whenever I would have to go to my parents house for a visit I would drink heavily because I felt less around her. Finally I decided, not to cut her off necessarily, but to cut way back on her. I don't call her regularly, see her very infrequently, and don't really share much with her. I really needed these boundaries with her. And it has worked. I do miss having a relationship with a mother figure, however I no longer have any exposure to her fault finding and gossip. It has brought me peace.

Set some boundaries, and don't let her dysfunctional behaviour towards you enable you to continue drinking. Drinking only worsens the problem.

[Doggygirl]

Ohhh Mommie Dearest

Hi Daisy Angel and :welcome: I wish you well sorting out your life free of the baggage of alcohol. It can only help matters to be clear headed as you decide what to do.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know that difference.

That little ditty helps me a lot when I'm trying to work through seemingly complex things.

Strength and hope to you,

DG

[KatieB]

Ohhh Mommie Dearest

hi Daiseyangel,
You are certainly not alone when it comes to having a toxic relationship with your mum.. I dont speak to mine anymore at all.. Your mum obviously had issues, which were nothing to do with you - please don't blame yourself as you were only a child - your mum should have protected you, but she did not do her job as a "mum" for you.. it is time to let go of the past.. as if your mum is too ashamed (which it seems like to me) to answer your questions, then trying to get her to answer your questions will keep you in the past and stop you from moving forwards.. i would do as your counsellor suggested and have "time out" from this toxic influence on your life.. we cannot choose our families, and now you are an adult, you have the power to get people out of your life (even if they are "family") that are causing you nothing but harm.. surround yourself with people that care about you.. people that you CHOOSE to have in your life.. wishing you the best,
Katie xx

[byebyebridgetjones]

Ohhh Mommie Dearest

Good Grief !
Why WOULDN'T you have a few issues ?
Any chance that your Mum had alcohol problems herself ? It's a shame she can't find it in her heart to help you out, but I suppose it's what's in front of us that we can control, not what's behind us.
Anyway welcome here.
Bridge.

[mollyka]

Ohhh Mommie Dearest

Actually Daisy, I was going to ask what Bridge just did - she seemed/seems to behave in such an irrational fashion and avoiding issues, it sounds like alkie behaviour, is she a heavy drinker? It would certainly explain a lot. Anyway thinking of you, let us know how you are today
Molly

[Chillgirl]

Ohhh Mommie Dearest

Daisy Angel - Welcome to MWO and thank you for sharing. I think you have to make your no.1 priority your sobriety and if this means cutting your Mum out for awhile thats what you should do, we all struggle not to drink when faced with stressful situations as its one of the main triggers for us so its important that you eliminate as many of these situations until you are stronger.

Many emotions come to the surface during our AF journey and for me the 1st few months were an emotional roller coaster. Rather than trying to fix everything its best to ride it all until it settles down. Maybe then you will see your relationship with your Mum more clearly and you will also be much more able to deal with her when you are strong and sober. I loved Sunshinedaisies post and it would be great if you can one day find it in your heart to forgive her and move on from the past, by replaying it in your head you are only harming yourself again and again instead of dealing with what you have now. For now concentrate on you and staying AF. There is fantastic support here and you can come and vent it all whenever you need to. Wishing you much strength. :l

[blinder]

Ohhh Mommie Dearest

Hi Daisy! I just wanted to say hi and welcome! I have found that visiting here, reading and posting has certainly helped me with my journey. I hope that you find comfort here.

[DaisyAngel]

Ohhh Mommie Dearest

Thanks to all the wrote to me. I realised a long time ago that I am not alone with the toxic mother issue. I had forgotten all about my past, but therapy brought it all up and made me think too hard about what a totally messed up childhood I have had. I have tried putting it to bed again, but I am now focussing on why I cannot form relationships in adult life and keep looking back at how the past has shaped me into the person I am today.
Anyway, my mother was never a drinker or took any type of stimulant when I was growing up, just a very dysfunctional woman whos main intent was to make my life as miserable as her own. Right now it feels like she totally succeeded.

The trouble with my giving up, day one is always the hardest. So I brought apple and elderflower juice at the shop instead of wine, so feeling pretty confident that I can do this today with only 6 hours of the day left.

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Ohhh Mommie Dearest

Yes you can Daisy and tomorrow morning you will wake up feeling good without the regrets. Try and keep busy or stick on here. Even consider going to bed early. ODAT eh.