Today was my second day AF. I've gone for a few week long to ten day stretches in the past few months, but kept binging after a while. I've met with a counselor that I really like, and divulged my whole history--past traumas, drinking patterns, anxiety/depression issues etc. My goal with therapy is to get out all of the bottled up emotions and thoughts I've been drowning in wine for the past five/six years and frankly change my life as far as alcohol is concerned. Anyway, she encouraged me to set a date to go AF and stick with it. I chose today since I'll be meeting with her a week from now and I want to discuss how I've been feeling all week without the crutch (I'm starting a journal, making my sobriety plan, etc). I actually didn't drink anything yesterday either so I'm kind of proud of myself for getting an early start... 
Anyway, like I've said, I've gone for much longer stretches than two days before but I don't think I really committed...it was more like, 'Let's see how this goes.' This time feels different...I hope that's a good sign. It feels terrifying, and harder. I have a job that is often stressful and very deadline-oriented, and I go to school. I had a miserable, 'work straight through lunch and still not get everything done' day. I had to go to class right after that, and I cried all the way there. Got through class, went home, felt okay after my boyfriend let me vent...then I got a phone call from my sister saying they had to put her boyfriend's cat to sleep. I hung up and bawled. Just bawled. I didn't even know the cat that well! Under normal circumstances, this would have been an instant binge night, possibly my excuse to drink after those ten AF days, but I knew I couldn't do that. The crying felt healthier than drinking for sure, but it sucked.
I'm terrified of failing. I think part of why I didn't whole-heartedly commit in the past is that I'm really scared deep down that I can't stop and I won't make it even if I try with everything that I have. Like if I didn't really try I couldn't really fail and I could hang onto the hope that 'one day' when I 'really, really' tried I could do it--which is ridiculous when I look at it rationally. But I'm also scared of succeeding and life still sucking anyway--possibly even more so with all the pain I've been suppressing coming to the surface. You know, 'better the devil you know'. Also ridiculous when looked at rationally. I don't know if I'd made any sense whatsoever, but there you have it. Maybe my posts will be more coherent when I've had some more AF time.
Anyway, like I've said, I've gone for much longer stretches than two days before but I don't think I really committed...it was more like, 'Let's see how this goes.' This time feels different...I hope that's a good sign. It feels terrifying, and harder. I have a job that is often stressful and very deadline-oriented, and I go to school. I had a miserable, 'work straight through lunch and still not get everything done' day. I had to go to class right after that, and I cried all the way there. Got through class, went home, felt okay after my boyfriend let me vent...then I got a phone call from my sister saying they had to put her boyfriend's cat to sleep. I hung up and bawled. Just bawled. I didn't even know the cat that well! Under normal circumstances, this would have been an instant binge night, possibly my excuse to drink after those ten AF days, but I knew I couldn't do that. The crying felt healthier than drinking for sure, but it sucked.
I'm terrified of failing. I think part of why I didn't whole-heartedly commit in the past is that I'm really scared deep down that I can't stop and I won't make it even if I try with everything that I have. Like if I didn't really try I couldn't really fail and I could hang onto the hope that 'one day' when I 'really, really' tried I could do it--which is ridiculous when I look at it rationally. But I'm also scared of succeeding and life still sucking anyway--possibly even more so with all the pain I've been suppressing coming to the surface. You know, 'better the devil you know'. Also ridiculous when looked at rationally. I don't know if I'd made any sense whatsoever, but there you have it. Maybe my posts will be more coherent when I've had some more AF time.
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