Screwed up!

[jade555]

So I went 5 days AF - struggled but did it. Yesterday was my birthday and I was having lunch with my friend. I had already given myself prior permission to drink on my birthday. I deluded myself in thinking that is was my reward for going 5 days AF in over 2 years, and also as a treat because it was my birthday.

What a loser!

Instead I drank too much, DROVE AND PICKED UP MY LITTLE GIRLS FROM SUMMER CAMP THAT WAY, got home later than I had told my husband I would....we were suppose to go out to dinner, which we still did - but I was intoxicated, though I think I hid it well from him.

I feel so ashamed.

Today I saw my counselor. He told me he saw me yesterday at stop light and recognized me. He could tell I had been drinking.

I was so embarassed! I feel so aweful. Alcohol is no reward, it strips me of my dignity, it jeopardizes the well being of my children and others, it shames me, it makes feel so bad. I am so sad right now, crying. I can't tell my husband, we see things very differently and I don't let him know how hard a time I am having with alcohol. He is so judgmental and any word of that nature out of his mouth right now would send me over the edge. I feel so horrible.

I HATE ALCOHOL - I hate feeling so bad about myself. I am so miserable right now.

[New Creation]

Screwed up!

Hi Jade,
Don't beat yourself up. That is not easy for me to say because I do it to myself all the time. I know that the "demon" just loves to keep us in a place where we feel so bad about ourselves that we turn to alcohol to make us feel better. Such a vicious circle. I am really struggling and have not been able to beat it yet. But I am trying to get to that place of firm committment with no excuses to drink. This is a wonderful supportive sight where you will be loved and encouraged. Keep posting; keep trying; I am right there with you.

[jade555]

Screwed up!

Thank you. This sucks feeling so miserable and ashamed.

[Doggygirl]

Screwed up!

Jade, you did a really brave and positive thing by posting your experience. Honesty has been absolutely essential as a component of my own recovery. Admitting to ourselves and each other the TRUTH about what happens when we drink is a step in the right direction. IMO, a big part of what makes getting sober a struggle is that we don't accept the full TRUTH about what happens when we drink. We keep fantasizing that somehow, it will be different next time.

So. Learn from this, dust off your Big Girl Pants, and climb right back on the wagon! Believe me, we have all been there.

DG

[red67]

Screwed up!

"Instead I drank too much, DROVE AND PICKED UP MY LITTLE GIRLS FROM SUMMER CAMP THAT WAY"

This part is very scary. Going forward you have to promise yourself that you will never do that again. Just remind yourself what could have happened. Even if you didn't get in an accident just think if you would have been pulled over by a cop and what your girls would have gone through as you were being arrested for driving drunk. Believe me I no angel when it comes to drinking - I have been struggling with drinking every night for over eight years. But I did promise myself I would never drive drunk again - yes I have done it and thankfully did not hurt anyone or get pulled over but I promised myself I would never do it again. I decided that if I wanted to hurt myself by drinking that I would make sure I did not put other peoples lives in jeopardy.

"got home later than I had told my husband I would....we were suppose to go out to dinner, which we still did - but I was intoxicated, though I think I hid it well from him.

I think we fool ourselves thinking we are "hiding" our drinking from those around us. He probably knew - when we drink others can smell it, hear it in the way we talk and sense that we are covering up. This I have learned over the past few years. I thought I was so good at hiding it. I would go to the liquor store after work and drink at home when I thought no one would know. Unless you physically hide from everyone while you are drinking (which than they would know something is not right) - anyone you come in contact with (family, friends, nieghbors) they will probably know you have been drinking.

"I can't tell my husband, we see things very differently and I don't let him know how hard a time I am having with alcohol. He is so judgmental and any word of that nature out of his mouth right now would send me over the edge. I feel so horrible"

Have you asked him to go to counseling with you? This struggle is hard enough and to try to fight it alone and in secret only makes it so much harder. Is he a drinker? It's hard to understand the struggle we alcoholics have so maybe he needs counseling to understand and be supportive.

Believe me I know what you are going thru - try to take this experience and learn from it.
When do you go back to see your counselor?

I don't know if I am the right person to respond this way to you since I still struggle with alcohol but I hate to see other people going thru this. This is such a deceptive, controlling and abusive relationship we have with alcohol. I always think of it as being with an abusive boyfriend - I love AL when it "makes me feel good" and hate it when I allow it to abuse me, yet I keep going back. We would never want this relationship for someone that we love yet we allow ourselves to be treated like that by AL.

I truly only mean to help and I hope that I have. I am not the greatest in getting my words to match my thoughts.

[red67]

Screwed up!

"Instead I drank too much, DROVE AND PICKED UP MY LITTLE GIRLS FROM SUMMER CAMP THAT WAY"

This part is very scary. Going forward you have to promise yourself that you will never do that again. Just remind yourself what could have happened. Even if you didn't get in an accident just think if you would have been pulled over by a cop and what your girls would have gone through as you were being arrested for driving drunk. Believe me I no angel when it comes to drinking - I have been struggling with drinking every night for over eight years. But I did promise myself I would never drive drunk again - yes I have done it and thankfully did not hurt anyone or get pulled over but I promised myself I would never do it again. I decided that if I wanted to hurt myself by drinking that I would make sure I did not put other peoples lives in jeopardy.

"got home later than I had told my husband I would....we were suppose to go out to dinner, which we still did - but I was intoxicated, though I think I hid it well from him.

I think we fool ourselves thinking we are "hiding" our drinking from those around us. He probably knew - when we drink others can smell it, hear it in the way we talk and sense that we are covering up. This I have learned over the past few years. I thought I was so good at hiding it. I would go to the liquor store after work and drink at home when I thought no one would know. Unless you physically hide from everyone while you are drinking (which than they would know something is not right) - anyone you come in contact with (family, friends, nieghbors) will probably know you have been drinking.

"I can't tell my husband, we see things very differently and I don't let him know how hard a time I am having with alcohol. He is so judgmental and any word of that nature out of his mouth right now would send me over the edge. I feel so horrible"

Have you asked him to go to counseling with you? This struggle is hard enough and to try to fight it alone and in secret only makes it so much harder. Is he a drinker? It's hard to understand the struggle we alcoholics have so maybe he needs counseling to understand and be supportive. Not to say he should condone it - just understand and learn how to support you as you learn how to live AL free. You are going to become a new, stronger woman as you learn how to live without alcohol and this might be frightening to him. For me change is scary no matter what it relates to - maybe it is for him too.

Believe me I know what you are going thru - try to take this experience and learn from it.
When do you go back to see your counselor?

I don't know if I am the right person to respond this way to you since I still struggle with alcohol but I hate to see other people going thru this. This is such a deceptive, controlling and abusive relationship we have with alcohol. I always think of it as being with an abusive boyfriend - I love AL when it "makes me feel good" and hate it when I allow it to abuse me, yet I keep going back. We would never want this relationship for someone that we love yet we allow ourselves to be treated like that by AL.

I truly only mean to help and I hope that I have. I am not the greatest in getting my words to match my thoughts.

[red67]

Screwed up!

"Instead I drank too much, DROVE AND PICKED UP MY LITTLE GIRLS FROM SUMMER CAMP THAT WAY"

This part is very scary. Going forward you have to promise yourself that you will never do that again. Just remind yourself what could have happened. Even if you didn't get in an accident just think if you would have been pulled over by a cop and what your girls would have gone through as you were being arrested for driving drunk. Believe me I no angel when it comes to drinking - I have been struggling with drinking every night for over eight years. But I did promise myself I would never drive drunk again - yes I have done it and thankfully did not hurt anyone or get pulled over but I promised myself I would never do it again. I decided that if I wanted to hurt myself by drinking that I would make sure I did not put other peoples lives in jeopardy.

"got home later than I had told my husband I would....we were suppose to go out to dinner, which we still did - but I was intoxicated, though I think I hid it well from him.

I think we fool ourselves thinking we are "hiding" our drinking from those around us. He probably knew - when we drink others can smell it, hear it in the way we talk and sense that we are covering up. This I have learned over the past few years. I thought I was so good at hiding it. I would go to the liquor store after work and drink at home when I thought no one would know. Unless you physically hide from everyone while you are drinking (which than they would know something is not right) - anyone you come in contact with (family, friends, nieghbors) they will probably know you have been drinking.

"I can't tell my husband, we see things very differently and I don't let him know how hard a time I am having with alcohol. He is so judgmental and any word of that nature out of his mouth right now would send me over the edge. I feel so horrible"

Have you asked him to go to counseling with you? This struggle is hard enough and to try to fight it alone and in secret only makes it so much harder. Is he a drinker? It's hard to understand the struggle we alcoholics have so maybe he needs counseling to understand and be supportive.

Believe me I know what you are going thru - try to take this experience and learn from it.
When do you go back to see your counselor?

I don't know if I am the right person to respond this way to you since I still struggle with alcohol but I hate to see other people going thru this. This is such a deceptive, controlling and abusive relationship we have with alcohol. I always think of it as being with an abusive boyfriend - I love AL when it "makes me feel good" and hate it when I allow it to abuse me, yet I keep going back. We would never want this relationship for someone that we love yet we allow ourselves to be treated like that by AL.

I truly only mean to help and I hope that I have. I am not the greatest in getting my words to match my thoughts.

[paguy]

Screwed up!

Jade:

I agree with doggygirl. It was very brave of you to share your vulnerability with us. We have all been where you are and understand the miserable feeling.

My one bit of advice to you is to use this experience, with your acknowledgement that you 'screwed up', to help you build a stronger commitment to achieve your ultimate goal. You are courageous enough to admit to your faults. I know you must be courageous enough to commit to your future.

Be strong and take ODAT.

Peace

[jade555]

Screwed up!

Thank you DG & John - tomorrow will be better - the self beating I am giving myself will calm down some. And red...." Even if you didn't get in an accident just think if you would have been pulled over by a cop and what your girls would have gone through as you were being arrested for driving drunk. "......OMG, I can't even imagine. You are so right. I could never, never live with myself. THey are my everything! THank you for your insight - I appreciate your struggle as well.

I am so glad I have this website to come to. I know I need to wipe my tears, shed my shame, and like DG says "dust off my big girl pants". I am happy that I am so angry, because the difference this time is I am angry at the ALCOHOL more than at myself! And being angry at the AL gives me someone else to beat up, to want to defeat, someone other than myself I want to defy and show who the winner is here. It is a demon and the sooner we all recognize that the sooner we will see it's not a friend to console us when we are sad or a prize we get for being good.

[red67]

Screwed up!

"I am so glad I have this website to come to. I know I need to wipe my tears, shed my shame, and like DG says "dust off my big girl pants". I am happy that I am so angry, because the difference this time is I am angry at the ALCOHOL more than at myself! And being angry at the AL gives me someone else to beat up, to want to defeat, someone other than myself I want to defy and show who the winner is here. It is a demon and the sooner we all recognize that the sooner we will see it's not a friend to console us when we are sad or a prize we get for being good."

WELL SAID!! - I am usually not a violent person but I hope you beat the crap out of AL.:bat

[greeneyes]

Screwed up!

Ditto to DG... Don't let the beating turn into a broken record. Use the experience for growth. Onward & upward!

[Doggygirl]

Screwed up!

jade, some of the things you might want to think about:

1. What went wrong? (permission to drink? Is that EVER a good idea?)
2. What did you learn from it? (for your written plan. You DO have a written sobriety plan, right? )
3. What will you do differently next time when confronted with a similar situation?

You might get some good input if you decide to write about some of that here.

DG

[jade555]

Screwed up!

No, I don't really have a sobriety plan. I know I'm suppose to make one but I really am not too well versed on this. Could someone point me where I need to go to find how to make a sobriety plan?

[greeneyes]

Screwed up!

yeeeeesssss...... hang on a second!

[jade555]

Screwed up!

1. What went wrong? (permission to drink? Is that EVER a good idea?) THinking that giving myself permission to drink was a well deserved "treat" for being so good for 5 day - what an idiot I am!
2. What did you learn from it? (for your written plan. You DO have a written sobriety plan, right? )I don't, where do I go to find what I need to do to get one in action?
3. What will you do differently next time when confronted with a similar situation?
Heck, I just need to understand that at this time drinking is not an option and if I can't do that then I just need to avoid situations that bring that on, like celebrations or outings with friends I normally shared drinks with. At least definetly for now