Yesterday, I met my goal. I only drank three glasses of wine on a Saturday! And I spaced it out throughout the day. I couldn't believe it. With the exception of one occasion at an awards bancquet last week, I have been sobber for a week and two days. So I should feel excited, happy. I am really getting control. So why do I feel so empty inside? Don't get me wrong, I am pleased with my progress in becoming a moderate drinker. It appears that I am well on my way to step one, the physical diminishment of wine. But I keep having this empty feeling, like I have lost something, which is ridiculous. My life is coming together in a wonderful way, my loved ones have always been caring, loving, and nurturing, so why do I feel so empty? At first, I thought that it might be a mild form of physical depression because alcohol is a chemical and reducing it in my body would most likely cause some emotional response. It is also important to me to get to the bottom of this because if I do not there is a high risk that I will succumb.
So, I have been thinking about this all week, as I started getting this feeling about three days after I started successfully drinking in moderation. Finally, yesterday it hit me. Metaphorically, wine has become like a close personal friend. Think about it, wine actually does perform many of the functions for us psychologically that a friend would perform. I turn to it when I want to party, I turn to it when I am upset, anxious, and depressed. But, wine goes a little further. In many ways, it is like being in an abusive relationship where you are losing control. But it is even worse because while others may control our minds, wine actually creates a chemical dependancy so that it controls our body as well. As you may have figured out, I think too much!!! But for me, this whole attempt that I am making is based on behavioral change. I am setting challenging, but realistic goals and evaluating myself along the way. I genuinely believe that if I don't get rid of this empty feeling, or at least, understand it so that I can deal with it, I will fail.
I should mention that I must have hit an inner cord in my thoughts of comparing wine to a friend because my emotions have gone from an unexplained emptiness to a feeling of hurt and sense of loss. So, I am beginning to deal with my emotional state over this issue. As an exercise, I have written an "Ode To Wine", I have begun to compare wine metaphorically to an abusive relationship in order to tackle my emotions. By now, you all probably think I'm a fruitcake. Maybe I am!!! But this exercise has really helped me, so at the risk that you may disinvite me and tell me not to come again, and even though I am terrible at this type of writing, I am sharing with you "Ode To Wine"
ODE TO WINE
Oh, my beautiful flowing loved one,
How powerful you are!
At first, when I saw the pleasures of your gift,
At court (parties), how influential you are amongst those who rule society;
I wanted so to taste your nectar,
But I was shy, afraid that your power and strength would be greater than your sweet taste;
For I had known of your ability to control powerful minds and wise people alike,
Your talent for culling, sapping life amongst those who love you, you know no boundaries;
But alas, my temptation for your gifts, the deceptive appearance of love and joy that you seemed to have spread,
Drew my to your bosom like a suckling child;
In the beginning your friendship was wonderful,
Unlike any that I had ever known;
Embracing you as a friend,
Your brought me joy when I wanted to party, helped me overcome my shyness and become bold, and I knew I could turn to you when anxious, afraid, or disappointed in others.
You were a great love one,
And I fell in love with you and cherished your gifts.
But you changed my love,
Like an abusive lover who has entrapped their victim;
You became obsessive,
No longer inviting me to seek your help, but demanding that I turn to you for strength;
You became my master,
I became your slave;
Your bounty was no longer a gift of joy,
But rather, a chain, a yoke around my neck, humiliating me at parties, leaving me sick and in despair;
Instead of caressing a loved one at dawn?s first light;
You left me feeling worthless, ill, and without courage to face the day;
No matter how hard I tried to run from you,
You always lured me back, stripping me of my dignity, making me shamed at my lack of self control;
Despite everything that enjoying your fruits has done to me,
I still love you;
But now we have reached the crossroads of our relationship;
You must release me my love, or I must turn from you and never be with you again;
You must free me from your control;
We must spend less time together, and during the few moments we have together, we must share joy and loving moments without consequences;
I am through being your slave, you are through being my master;
You must release me from your control, or I will turn from you forever.
Mighty Mouse II
******************************************
Please be gentle with me - I am very insecure about this posting.
MM
So, I have been thinking about this all week, as I started getting this feeling about three days after I started successfully drinking in moderation. Finally, yesterday it hit me. Metaphorically, wine has become like a close personal friend. Think about it, wine actually does perform many of the functions for us psychologically that a friend would perform. I turn to it when I want to party, I turn to it when I am upset, anxious, and depressed. But, wine goes a little further. In many ways, it is like being in an abusive relationship where you are losing control. But it is even worse because while others may control our minds, wine actually creates a chemical dependancy so that it controls our body as well. As you may have figured out, I think too much!!! But for me, this whole attempt that I am making is based on behavioral change. I am setting challenging, but realistic goals and evaluating myself along the way. I genuinely believe that if I don't get rid of this empty feeling, or at least, understand it so that I can deal with it, I will fail.
I should mention that I must have hit an inner cord in my thoughts of comparing wine to a friend because my emotions have gone from an unexplained emptiness to a feeling of hurt and sense of loss. So, I am beginning to deal with my emotional state over this issue. As an exercise, I have written an "Ode To Wine", I have begun to compare wine metaphorically to an abusive relationship in order to tackle my emotions. By now, you all probably think I'm a fruitcake. Maybe I am!!! But this exercise has really helped me, so at the risk that you may disinvite me and tell me not to come again, and even though I am terrible at this type of writing, I am sharing with you "Ode To Wine"
ODE TO WINE
Oh, my beautiful flowing loved one,
How powerful you are!
At first, when I saw the pleasures of your gift,
At court (parties), how influential you are amongst those who rule society;
I wanted so to taste your nectar,
But I was shy, afraid that your power and strength would be greater than your sweet taste;
For I had known of your ability to control powerful minds and wise people alike,
Your talent for culling, sapping life amongst those who love you, you know no boundaries;
But alas, my temptation for your gifts, the deceptive appearance of love and joy that you seemed to have spread,
Drew my to your bosom like a suckling child;
In the beginning your friendship was wonderful,
Unlike any that I had ever known;
Embracing you as a friend,
Your brought me joy when I wanted to party, helped me overcome my shyness and become bold, and I knew I could turn to you when anxious, afraid, or disappointed in others.
You were a great love one,
And I fell in love with you and cherished your gifts.
But you changed my love,
Like an abusive lover who has entrapped their victim;
You became obsessive,
No longer inviting me to seek your help, but demanding that I turn to you for strength;
You became my master,
I became your slave;
Your bounty was no longer a gift of joy,
But rather, a chain, a yoke around my neck, humiliating me at parties, leaving me sick and in despair;
Instead of caressing a loved one at dawn?s first light;
You left me feeling worthless, ill, and without courage to face the day;
No matter how hard I tried to run from you,
You always lured me back, stripping me of my dignity, making me shamed at my lack of self control;
Despite everything that enjoying your fruits has done to me,
I still love you;
But now we have reached the crossroads of our relationship;
You must release me my love, or I must turn from you and never be with you again;
You must free me from your control;
We must spend less time together, and during the few moments we have together, we must share joy and loving moments without consequences;
I am through being your slave, you are through being my master;
You must release me from your control, or I will turn from you forever.
Mighty Mouse II
******************************************
Please be gentle with me - I am very insecure about this posting.
MM
Guess I was kinda angry...
zwink:
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