I mucked up...

[mayday]

Hi all,
I 've been away from MWO (due to travel mainly...but also feeling like a failure) but am back with renewed resolve and feel really hopeful.
I have been really stuggling and now starting to realise I've actually still been in a form of denial...I just don't still get it!! When I started this journey (it seems like its been a lifetime but actually about 8 weeks) I started with great vigour, went 8 days then told myself I didn't actually have a problem, stopped again, started again, tried moderation, then was away travelling and made the decision I wouldn't drink while away, which I didn't...17 days...17, that was huge for me, got home, and the very night I got home, the old voice in my head told me "you really dont have a problem...you used to...but you dont now, you've just been alcohol free for 17 days...How stupid could I be!
Four days later, drinking everynite until I passed out... I started back into alcohol in quite a scarey way...drinking really quickly, there was no savouring the taste, it was just down the hatch to get the 'buzz', then oblivian.

So... I'm now back at the start, but I feel older, wiser and stronger and... on day 2
What I now know for sure,
I can never again be a social drinker, somewhere along the line, I crossed over into an addiction and its not something that can be turned back, a little bit like innocence really, once its gone its gone.

I have been lurking around the site for a couple of days and today I read so much great advice and support...and feel really heartened that I'm not the only person to 'stumble' a bit before I get it right

So... my heartfelt thanks to those who share and support...we need you!

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

I mucked up...

Welcome back Mayday, great that you have come to realise things for what they are, that truly the first step to a new life. I am not that long from having made the same decision and truthfully while it is a little scary it is a blessed relief. As somebody said on another thread today, "hands up everyone who got it right straight off" I imagine it is a small showing. Well done, I wish you luck on your journey.

[mayday]

I mucked up...

Thanks KTAB, yep I liked that quote as well...made me realise theres a lot who didn't get it right first time, but didn't give up either...

[mario]

I mucked up...

Hi mayday & welcome back, sometimes we have to hit our own rockbottom before we realise we have to stop, hopefully that was yours,

Jump back on track here and away you go, hope to see you around more, :-)

[Doggygirl]

I mucked up...

Welcome back Mayday. I'm another who didn't fully accept my alcoholism the first time around. There was a small part of me that was holding out hope that I could safely drink again, and I relapsed. I think a lot of us have to learn that lesson the hard way. I'm just grateful that I "got it" before something truly horrible happened (i.e. drunk driving and kill someone).

Onward we go!

DG

[techie]

I mucked up...

Hi Mayday. You're absolutely correct you are NOT the only person to stumble. The GREAT thing is you are back with renewed focus and determination. You GO!!!

[spuddleduck]

I mucked up...

mayday, glad youre back on board and focussed. i do think its true that when you cross over that line to addiction its very rare to be able to go back to 'social' drinking. i think when you realize that it actually makes it easier.. the option is no longer there. keep at it, you'll get there

[Time to change]

I mucked up...

Hi Mayday,

After yesterday I now know that I need to cut AL out of my life completely and weirdly I feel excited about this!! If I'm honest I had been feeling hard done by with a bit of a "why me?" attitude but I don't feel like that today. A change in attitude = a change in habits.
We seem to be at a very similar stage, Lets beat this together!! xx

[mollyka]

I mucked up...

Mayday, TimeTC, you have both reached a really important conclusion, i.e. you cannot ever drink socially again, it's a really important part of our addiction I think to actually get to that point - I know it took me a long while to really believe it, and yes, it is sort of sad at first 'poor me, I can never drink again!' but then its like mourning - you get over that feeling and it is a release - no more 'buts' or 'maybes' it's just NO - plain and simple and it is a relief
Molly

[not tonight]

I mucked up...

Hi Mayday,

Welcome back. I too have crossed the Rubicon with alcohol. I can not drink safely, and if I decided to continue drinking, my habit would only accelerate.

I have found that the supplements really help with the cravings and the mood swings, also a cup of warm water with lemon in the morning is great for the liver. Keep yourself hydrated, nourished and occupied. Keep positing and reading. Very glad you are here!

[mayday]

I mucked up...

Thanks everyone for great support, it feels really great to be amongst so much positive encouragement and support and those who know exactly how it is. I sometimes think of how I would explain the madness of alcohol and wonder if someone who hasn't walked the path could ever truly understand.
Time to change...yep we do seem to be at similar stages..we will beat it and celebrate the milestones as they come up, I took a leaf out of your book, and put my end date(with alcohol), starting date(for freedom from AL) on my signature...somehow it seems to make it more real that the line has been drawn...no going back...

[4theboyz]

I mucked up...

Hello Mayday!

I want you to know I will be walking side by side with you...you can do this..we can do this. I just made my 3rd First week AF and I want this to be my last First week....I feel I can do this and so should you be able to!! Stay strong friend!

[sapphire1]

I mucked up...

What a wonderful site, full of inspiring stories of courage and determination. Full of people just like me. Its day 14AF for me and I feel great. determined to fight the good fight. Taking topomax and other supps and starting to feel the benefits. Have and inspiried day fellow travellers. Love and grace

[sapphire1]

I mucked up...

Hello 4THEBOYZ,
I read your entire blog two days ago, I think it dated back two years. Your story is my story and you have inspired and touched me on so many different levels. I have been battling AL for ten years now and i am finally winning the war. There have been many retreats and surrenders; too many white flags and poor strategies played out; but through sheer guts and a deep yearning for a better life for myself and my sons; I am seeing the winning post closer by the day. Keep fighting the good fight, I am here for you all the way

[meggie]

I mucked up...

You are not alone, I did so well for a year. I can be a moderate drinker. Yeah, Right, my mom has a problem, so was her father and I am following the pattern. Need to get on board with you guys. Waiting for the Campral