Well, this is strange...

[K9Lover]

Well, this is strange...

Hi HP!
I like your observations, they're very positive. It IS easier to get up in the morning after an AF evening, and like you, I have started taking 5-HTP just to balance my mood, which really seems to be working! And I love the fact that you're noticing how much "free time" you have now...and it's not a bad thing, a lot of people actually fear this. I've read SO many books in my 155 AF days...can't even count them all. I've also done a lot of fun activities that I'd never have been able to do during my drinking days. You sound really good and upbeat, stick with it and stick close to us....keep us posted on your progress!
K9

[HoldingPattern]

Well, this is strange...

Thanks for the thoughts and replies everyone.

Turns out this past weekend was my worst in terms of units since I started my AF efforts. Grrr. But it's another experience that just helps put into perspective why working on AF is the right thing to do. 2 days AF so far since then, don't think the rest of this week will be any problem. But this weekend will be a challenge-- I'm still trying to figure out what my plan will be.

[Doggygirl]

Well, this is strange...

This is certainly a learning process. For me, after an AF period of 60 days I relapsed. I didn't get continuously sober again for 8 months. During that 8 months, I would have a day or two AF then drink, then AF then drink, etc. It was really a rut. For me, I had to get continously AF in order to make any meaningful personal progress.

That doesn't mean your experience will be the same as mine. Just sharing mine in case it helps as you sort through your relationship with AL.

DG

[HoldingPattern]

Well, this is strange...

Thanks for sharing, DG. I guess only time will tell, but I wouldn't be surprised it my experience ends up similar to yours.

[HoldingPattern]

Well, this is strange...

So, my AF journey continues. Some more observations:

I'm feeling really good and strong about not drinking on workdays or nights before work. Over the past several weeks I have been very successful being AF on these days, and it has been much "easier" than I had anticipated (I was prepared for the worst).

I have had much less success being AF on the weekend, although have had a couple days here and there. The interesting thing for me, though, is that it wasn't so much caving in to "unbearable cravings" or anything like that. Rather, I found I was pretty much actually planning on drinking on the days I did.

I'm having trouble not viewing AL as a "reward". Rationally, yes of course I realize AL is a poison, etc. But it still triggers dopamine release and my brain knows this. Actually, trying to trick myself into believing AL is not a "reward" does feel quite right: I think it's more accurate/rational to describe it as a short-term reward with very costly long-term consequences. This observation is making me seriously consider TSM.

One great thing is that my success on the weekdays is very much giving me hope for the other days. I can always look to those AF days and think, "see? the world did not come crashing down, and it was easier than you thought! you even *gasp* enjoyed yourself, didn't you?"

My next big challenge will be having an AF weekend following an AF week. I'm thinking about how to handle that.

[beautifulred]

Well, this is strange...

Best of luck Holding.... keep it up cause you are on very much the same road I was on and it only gets worse as time goes on (I am 47). I didn't feel the walls closing in on me until about 3 years ago. Keep up the good work.

[HoldingPattern]

Well, this is strange...

beautifulred;965737 wrote: Best of luck Holding.... keep it up cause you are on very much the same road I was on and it only gets worse as time goes on (I am 47). I didn't feel the walls closing in on me until about 3 years ago. Keep up the good work.

Thanks, red. I'm curious: what exactly caused the "walls closing in" feeling for you? What was the final straw? How did you "know"?

[kaje]

Well, this is strange...

HoldingPattern;965480 wrote:

One great thing is that my success on the weekdays is very much giving me hope for the other days. I can always look to those AF days and think, "see? the world did not come crashing down, and it was easier than you thought! you even *gasp* enjoyed yourself, didn't you?"

Hi HP,

I'm really enjoying reading your thread and seeing your progress. I too had the shock horror of discovering that a weekend (Saturday and Sunday) booze-free did not cause my head to explode! It is actually enjoyable to spend free time reading, living and just being rather than planning to drink, drinking and recovering. It's also pretty ace to wake up Monday and feel like you really did have a weekend rather than using the Monday as recovery.

Well done and I hope to adopt some of your positivity!

Best of luck

[HoldingPattern]

Well, this is strange...

Hey kaji,

I'm glad you're getting something out of this thread.

Also, your positivity comment caught me off guard-- I wonder if I sound more positive than I feel? Well anyway, that's a good thing probably.

[Mish]

Well, this is strange...

HI HP
I, too, very much reading your thread and love your observations. You have a quick, intuitive mind and an ability to express yourself clearly and consisely. I really only have one observation based on my own experience: You intellectualise your situaltion almost as much as I did. In the end I found it so much less exhausting to just tell myself that I'm an alcoholic and I can't afford to drink at all. You have to reach your own conclusions in your own time, naturally, but it was that piece of advice from my psychiatrist that made me stop and rechannel my energies. It took a while to reach the point of surrender to the (in my case) inevitable. But it's led me here and I am much more content with my life.
Best wishes,
Mish :h

[HoldingPattern]

Well, this is strange...

Hi Mish, thanks for the compliments! Yeah, I hear what you're saying about intellectualizing the drinking, but I do that with everything. I like the idea of finding the right place to focus one's energy-- it makes no sense trying to push a rock up a mountain when it's the wrong mountain!

I am slowly coming to some conclusions. One that's really standing out right now is this: you have to spend some time sober to actually internalize the fact that it's better than drinking all the time. That sounds obvious but I'm actually experiencing it in a way I never thought I would. When you're drinking every day, you just cannot really believe that being sober is better. You can sort of convince yourself intellectually, but your body doesn't believe you and your behavior doesn't change. The more often you are sober, the more often you want to be sober.

Another thing: you know the Staple's big red "easy!" button? Daily drinking is like the opposite of that. It makes everything more difficult than it needs to be. It wraps your life in blanket of difficulty and the sad part is you drink more to escape it and it just gets more suffocating. It oppressive. You're actually oppressing yourself! :stupid:

Anyway, last week was sober, and yesterday was sober, but friday and saturday were not. Still, overall my AL consumption is waaaaaay down from what it used to be and I'm feeling good about that.

[Doggygirl]

Well, this is strange...

I really appreciate this part:

Another thing: you know the Staple's big red "easy!" button? Daily drinking is like the opposite of that. It makes everything more difficult than it needs to be. It wraps your life in blanket of difficulty and the sad part is you drink more to escape it and it just gets more suffocating. It oppressive. You're actually oppressing yourself! :stupid:

It really is a downward spiral, isn't it.

Congratulations on your progress!

DG

[HoldingPattern]

Well, this is strange...

Thanks Doggy!

Why does that "AL makes everything besides drinking more difficult" thing take sooooo long to realize? Or perhaps more accurately take so long to stop denying? Realizing/accepting it was a HUGE tipping point for me-- even though it didn't immediately change my behavior at the time (a bit over a year ago), it really changed my mindset and catalyzed my initiative to do what I'm doing today.

[HoldingPattern]

Well, this is strange...

I've been feeling very philosophical and introspective lately. Existential crisis almost, but without the panic or immediacy of an actual "crisis". The meta-thinking is actually getting sort of annoying: not only am I thinking about AL and changes to my life related to it, but I'm constantly thinking about how I'm thinking about AL... not necessarily a bad thing I guess, but it would be nice to have a break from it.

Also, I've been sleeping way better but my dreams are totally out of control-- I guess that's my mind paying me back for so many years of non-REM AL sleep.

[Pride before Fall]

Well, this is strange...

My dreams have been vivid, too. I wonder if that's going to settle down. Or if I used to dream that way before I started drinking, and just forgot what "normal" dreams are like.