:new:
Greetings all,
I just created an account here today. This will be my obligatory long rambly introduction post/story. Without further adieu?
So. I?m a male in my mid 30?s. I started drinking in high school, but it didn?t become a daily habit until after I graduated college. During HS and college, I was an honors student and generally ?together? person. Drinking back then was always social/party based, and didn?t really seem to interfere negatively with my life (although in retrospect there was a lot of binging going on, and it set me up for where I am now, etc. just that at the time it wasn?t a ?problem? for me).
A few years after college and into working life is when my drinking became a daily habit and a real ?problem?, although I was in denial at the time. That point was about 10 years ago. In that time, I have maybe a few months total of AL-free days. Units on drinking days varied up and down and trended higher or lower over time, sometimes trending very close to moderate/almost-within-healthy-limits, and other times going to 10-15 units a night for days or weeks (or, *gulp*, months).
I have always considered myself a ?highly functional alcoholic? (actually, I question the label ?alcoholic?, but it gets the point across). I drink only in the evenings/at night?it?s actually weird but I generally have no desire, almost an anti-desire, to drink during the day. I have demanding engineering job that I maintain a high level of performance at. I have never been drunk (or had any AL) at work, as I couldn't perform if I did. None of my coworkers or professional acquaintances have any idea how much I drink?many think I don?t drink at all because the never see me drinking. Friends and family know I drink, but nobody suspects a problem that I can tell. Most of them drink socially as well, and wine with dinner is the norm. If I want more to drink than I feel is socially acceptable, I?ll figure out some way of sneaking. The only time I'm "wasted" to the point where people would notice is when I'm drinking at home by myself. For the first few years of steady drinking, I didn't really even have any physical symptoms, apart from occasional hangovers.
Being able to "handle" and disguise the problem well bolstered my denial for a while. But cracks in the denial wall started developing when I started really noticing what lengths I would go to to make sure I could have my AL when I wanted it. Things like detailed planning for how I would have access to enough during family visits, or on trips. Things like noticing I had pretty much given up many activities/hobbies I used to really enjoy because I couldn't do them well drunk. Or noticing I was slowly deteriorating physically, becoming increasingly lazy and short-term-gratification-focused.
These things all built up slowly, but surely. About 5 or 6 years ago I realized I truly had a problem, but at that point I was basically willing to live with tradeoffs and figured I'd do something about it "next year, maybe". I bought a couple self-help books, did some research. Nothing changed. I was now very conscious of my problem, but simply chose to continue drinking regardless.
A couple years ago I "got serious" again about cutting down, and actually found this site and a bunch of others. I browsed and read, thinking about participating (while sipping a glass of whatever the favorite drink was that week) and then never quite getting around to it.
Fast forward to now. Today is my 3rd consecutive AL-free day, I think since probably I was in my late 20's, but for sure in the last 3-4 years. For some reason I'm actually posting here after all these years of thinking about it.
I don't actually know what allowed me to not drink on monday (Aug 2 2010). I had finished what I had in my house on sunday (as ususal) and monday after work is the traditional resupply run at the market, which always just happens on auto-pilot. For some reason, when I got in my car after work on monday I just drove home. It felt so odd. Cravings that night weren't too bad, but I slept like shit. Overall, it wasn't too difficult and it was my first AL-free day since I don't remember exactly when. On tuesday, I figured "f-ck it, might as well try for 2 days". Yesterday felt and went like monday. Today I'm thinking, "holy sh-t!! If I don't drink tonight that will be 3 days in a row!". I'm not going crazy (yet), but I feel weird, almost like in a dream, but lucid. I'm not sure what's going to happen next.
I picked the username "HoldingPattern" because I feel like my life has been in one for the last several years-- life is carrying on in the same routine, but going in circles wasting time. I'm not sure where I want to go next, but I'm sure I want out of the holding pattern. I don't want to die in the holding pattern.
Greetings all,
I just created an account here today. This will be my obligatory long rambly introduction post/story. Without further adieu?
So. I?m a male in my mid 30?s. I started drinking in high school, but it didn?t become a daily habit until after I graduated college. During HS and college, I was an honors student and generally ?together? person. Drinking back then was always social/party based, and didn?t really seem to interfere negatively with my life (although in retrospect there was a lot of binging going on, and it set me up for where I am now, etc. just that at the time it wasn?t a ?problem? for me).
A few years after college and into working life is when my drinking became a daily habit and a real ?problem?, although I was in denial at the time. That point was about 10 years ago. In that time, I have maybe a few months total of AL-free days. Units on drinking days varied up and down and trended higher or lower over time, sometimes trending very close to moderate/almost-within-healthy-limits, and other times going to 10-15 units a night for days or weeks (or, *gulp*, months).
I have always considered myself a ?highly functional alcoholic? (actually, I question the label ?alcoholic?, but it gets the point across). I drink only in the evenings/at night?it?s actually weird but I generally have no desire, almost an anti-desire, to drink during the day. I have demanding engineering job that I maintain a high level of performance at. I have never been drunk (or had any AL) at work, as I couldn't perform if I did. None of my coworkers or professional acquaintances have any idea how much I drink?many think I don?t drink at all because the never see me drinking. Friends and family know I drink, but nobody suspects a problem that I can tell. Most of them drink socially as well, and wine with dinner is the norm. If I want more to drink than I feel is socially acceptable, I?ll figure out some way of sneaking. The only time I'm "wasted" to the point where people would notice is when I'm drinking at home by myself. For the first few years of steady drinking, I didn't really even have any physical symptoms, apart from occasional hangovers.
Being able to "handle" and disguise the problem well bolstered my denial for a while. But cracks in the denial wall started developing when I started really noticing what lengths I would go to to make sure I could have my AL when I wanted it. Things like detailed planning for how I would have access to enough during family visits, or on trips. Things like noticing I had pretty much given up many activities/hobbies I used to really enjoy because I couldn't do them well drunk. Or noticing I was slowly deteriorating physically, becoming increasingly lazy and short-term-gratification-focused.
These things all built up slowly, but surely. About 5 or 6 years ago I realized I truly had a problem, but at that point I was basically willing to live with tradeoffs and figured I'd do something about it "next year, maybe". I bought a couple self-help books, did some research. Nothing changed. I was now very conscious of my problem, but simply chose to continue drinking regardless.
A couple years ago I "got serious" again about cutting down, and actually found this site and a bunch of others. I browsed and read, thinking about participating (while sipping a glass of whatever the favorite drink was that week) and then never quite getting around to it.
Fast forward to now. Today is my 3rd consecutive AL-free day, I think since probably I was in my late 20's, but for sure in the last 3-4 years. For some reason I'm actually posting here after all these years of thinking about it.
I don't actually know what allowed me to not drink on monday (Aug 2 2010). I had finished what I had in my house on sunday (as ususal) and monday after work is the traditional resupply run at the market, which always just happens on auto-pilot. For some reason, when I got in my car after work on monday I just drove home. It felt so odd. Cravings that night weren't too bad, but I slept like shit. Overall, it wasn't too difficult and it was my first AL-free day since I don't remember exactly when. On tuesday, I figured "f-ck it, might as well try for 2 days". Yesterday felt and went like monday. Today I'm thinking, "holy sh-t!! If I don't drink tonight that will be 3 days in a row!". I'm not going crazy (yet), but I feel weird, almost like in a dream, but lucid. I'm not sure what's going to happen next.
I picked the username "HoldingPattern" because I feel like my life has been in one for the last several years-- life is carrying on in the same routine, but going in circles wasting time. I'm not sure where I want to go next, but I'm sure I want out of the holding pattern. I don't want to die in the holding pattern.
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