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    desperate for a change

    Hi.
    I wonder whether or not I'm the first newbie to post while drinking a beer. That would be kind of funny, except it really isn't funny at all. I'm desperate to get control over my drinking. By most measures, I'm pretty successful. I finished my PhD last year and have a tenure track job at a major university. I did this after I left my first career in the corporate world, which I hated. While I worked in corporate, I developed a nice little drinking problem: six pack of beer alone at night but more often than not, out drinking with my alcoholic fellow worker bees. Back then, there came a point where I decided to quit. And I did. I quit for a year.

    But graduate school and drinking (don't think it's just for undergraduates... oh no, it's not. I won't even mention the rampant problem drinking among jr. academics trying to deal with the stress of pursuing tenure) go hand and hand. In college, I barely drank at all. Wasn't my thing. Graduate school gave me the opportunity to relive my youthful college days. Study hard, write, teach etc during the week. Party even harder on the weekend. I had it under control for the first few years. But when I got to that point in a PhD program where you begin dissertation research--lonely, self-driven work--, I slowly began to drink every day. Just a little at first... But soon, I could easily consume a bottle of wine (that's not "real" alcohol is it? Not really? It demonstrates sophistication.... Shouldn't a well educated person know the difference between Pinot Noir and Pinot Gris?) by myself at night, while writing through the wee hours.

    Then last year, I became one of the lucky few in my field to get a tenure track position while I was ABD (all but dissertation). Shock. luck. Wonder. All I ever wanted. I left my beautiful little grad student world in gorgeous up state New York and moved to a place I truly dislike for "the job." And I love the job. But I've managed to convert my hatred of the place the job is into an excuse to drink even more... I remain productive. I teach well. But I'm getting to the point where these things will soon not be true. See, now, all I think of is when can I get that first drink. The first one that will inevitably lead to a second... And well, the bottle's open: why not a third? Then, it doesn't pay to leave a half bottle of wine stagnating on the counter. It won't taste as good tomorrow. Plus, I'm hungry and I don't feel like cooking. You get the drift.

    It has become increasingly difficult for me to manage my life: not just work, but the stuff you have to do: bill to pay, kitchens to clean, cars that need an oil change, email to answer, phone calls you had better return... Oh, I blame everyone but myself. It's because when I was a kid, my dad was chasing his career dreams and moved my family from place to place every two years or so. Oh, my parents never taught me how to manage my life. Oh, I'm disconnnected because I have lived a life of almost constant dislocation and therefore I need the comfort alcohol brings. Oh, it's because I'm black and in a largely white field and feel alien. Oh it's because I'm black in a largely "white" discipline and thus refuse to find connections with my "own." And on and on. Maybe these things are true. But ultimately they are all just b*llshit excuses I use to frame what is sure to become the central...no absolute...failure of my life.

    I bought the pdf My Way Out two days ago and read it all in a couple of hours. And it sounds like it can work. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist Monday to discuss Topamax and will order the supplements and even the hypnotherapy CDs. (Though I must admit I'm skeptical). I'm terrified of and for myself. If this doesn't work, what wil I do. I've tried to will myself to quit or at least slow down. But I CRAVE the stuff. I don't want to consume anything else.... I don't want to do anything else.

    I don't believe in a "higher power." The only way for me is to restore my self-control. But I don't know whether I can.

    #2
    desperate for a change

    Hi Sulapeace. I can relate to so much of what you said. I used to think my out of control drinking was because of a job or boss I hated, too much stress, not liking where I lived, etc. etc. It took many years and a progression of my alcoholism to the point I couldn't really function any more to make me see I'm an alcoholic, and that's why I drank the way I did.

    Alcholism knows no socioeconomic boundaries. It's an equal opportunity killer.

    I have discovered that there are lots of things in this big universe, including the big universe itself, that are way more powerful than me. The group of people here at My Way Out are just one example. This group is way more powerful than any one of us as individuals. We help each other achieve sobriety in a way that I certainly cannot do on my own.

    Good for you reading the book and getting the tools. Hope to see you on the recovery path!

    DG
    Sobriety Date = 5/22/08
    Nicotine Free Date = 2/27/07


    One day at a time.

    Comment


      #3
      desperate for a change

      Thank you so much, Doggygirl, for your good wishes. I'm going to try. I really am. Maybe I'd better start by acknowledging that there are many things in the big ol' universe that are outside of my control: including my liquid friend...

      Comment


        #4
        desperate for a change

        HI Sula-:welcome:!! Doggie Girl has said it all! She is very wise so you would do well to read whatever you can find from her.
        I hope I can allay some of your fears. The supplements and CD will definitely help with the physical and psychological cravings. They helped me tremendously-at least the supps did. The CDs I have a harder time with, both trying to find the time to listen and relaxing when I do listen. There are however a lot of people here who swear by them.
        ODAT is a saying we have here and it is very true. It stands for One Day at a Time and sometimes it means one minute at a time. It can be very overwhelming to think in terms of "I can NEVER drink again!". That may very well be true but it's too much to think about at the beginning. ODAT.
        The most important thing for someone new to sobriety is to get a plan in place. There is a thread under Monthly Abstainers called the Toolbox that is chock full of ideas for plans. The supps and CDs and the book are all part of your plan.
        While reading your story I felt like I was looking in a mirror somewhat. Not physically seeing myself but our thinking was/is very similar and I think you will find the longer you are here, more and more people who went through exactly what you are going through and whose stories mirror yours.
        I wish you all the luck in your journey. If you really really want sobriety, you will find a way to reach it and you will do whatever you need to.
        If DG can do, I can do it. If I can do it, you can do it.
        ok, maybe DG didn't quite say it all! :H

        :l
        New Birthday: May 8, 2010

        "Because dwelling from, not upon, the space you want to inherit is the fastest way to change absolutely everything."[/i]-The Universe

        KO the Beast!!

        Comment


          #5
          desperate for a change

          Oh, Doggygirl, I just saw your autosig. It's says that you will soon achieve 1000 days sober. Wow. I mean, absolute wow. I want, one day, to have an autosig like that. Congratulations on your success.

          Comment


            #6
            desperate for a change

            Hi Papmom3... Thanks for your kind words of encouragement. I'm so ashamed of myself for letting this thing take me over. It means a lot to hear so quickly from people who understand how I feel. You see, I don't want anyone to know about this... (Though, I'm sure anyone who's seen me at the bar, or at a party or well, in a lot of places where I've been 'faced, knows anyway...)

            I'm really going to try with the CDs. Part of this thing really is physical. But a lot of it is also psychological, I know. I've been using this as a crutch for too long. For a while, the crutch was walking for me. But now, it keeps landing on my feet and tripping me up. I must get out of this. I must.

            Comment


              #7
              desperate for a change

              And you will my dear, you will. The shame will go away, I promise, but it's good to always keep in the back of your mind and pull it out when you need it.
              You write exquisitely Sula. I would encourage you to start a journal thread. Mine is called "My AF journey Journal" and it's in the general section. It's a safe way to do an online diary where you can be brutally honest and raw and get some great support at the same time.
              :l
              New Birthday: May 8, 2010

              "Because dwelling from, not upon, the space you want to inherit is the fastest way to change absolutely everything."[/i]-The Universe

              KO the Beast!!

              Comment


                #8
                desperate for a change

                Hi Sula...we are all battling the same demon and we will all be here for you....
                I am in florida...where in the souoth are you??
                I love my family more than alcohol.:h
                Live in the Solution....not the problem

                Comment


                  #9
                  desperate for a change

                  Welcome Sula!
                  We are glad to have you here. It's a great place for support and encouragement. Stick close to us and let us know how you are. I look forward to getting to know you!
                  K9
                  :heart:I love my daughter more than alcohol:heart:

                  Believe in yourself. You are stronger than you think.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    desperate for a change

                    Hello sulapeace,

                    Welcome to MWO. Reading your post I am reminded of all the different ways alcohol weaves itself into our lives. Through social acceptance, commradere with colleges after work, and on your own, that one drink by yourself blossoming into a full blown habit. So familiar. I tried several times to quit, and never had much success before finding this forum. (AA was not for me either). I also had to get to a point of accepting that I am not longer able to drink in a safe or responsible manner. When I drink I drink to excess and that will never change. This is an important understanding in order to begin getting sober. Take each day one day at a time. There is an enormous amount of support on this forum. I have not gone the medication rout, however I have found the supplements to be very effective. Also, stay hydrated and have 3 healthy meals a day,

                    Anyway, glad you found us. Keep reading and posting!
                    While we may not be able to control all that happens to us, we can control what happens inside us.
                    Benjamin Franklin

                    Comment


                      #11
                      desperate for a change

                      Hi Sula - in answer to your first question - no, you aren't the first person to post while drinking a beer! LOL. There is always someone here who has done it, been there etc., so never feel worried about posting anything. I just wanted to add my welcome to the others - this is indeed a wonderful place and loads of support and help. I was on Topa (might be going back on it!!) so if you have any questions re that Topa, feel free to PM me. Wishing you all the best as you start on your journey - we are all here for you and with you.

                      Hugs, Sunshinedaisies x
                      How simple it is to see that we can only be happy now and there will never be a time when it is not now....

                      Comment


                        #12
                        desperate for a change

                        Sula
                        You can do this!! I was in a similar position to you, thinking nothing could work. I was drinking a bottle of wine + a night. WAY 2 much for a 5ft 1in 110lb female. I'm not a graduate student, but work in research and helped people through the hard times graduating when they just wanted to quit. To cut a long story short, I bought the book, CD's, suppliments and got my doc involved for the topa. I stopped drinking the day I got the Topa and was AF for 8 weeks, at the docs request. I had some wine this time last week, have 2 bottles in the house that I bought for a party on Wed that was cancelled and haven't touched it. There is light at the end of the tunnel!!!

                        Comment


                          #13
                          desperate for a change

                          sulapeace;928221 wrote: I'm so ashamed of myself for letting this thing take me over. It means a lot to hear so quickly from people who understand how I feel. You see, I don't want anyone to know about this... (Though, I'm sure anyone who's seen me at the bar, or at a party or well, in a lot of places where I've been 'faced, knows anyway...)
                          I have had a bit of time now to learn more about alcoholism and to really think about my own experience with it. My very early posts here at My Way Out in 2007 reflect a time when I really thought I *let* alcohol take me over and therefore, I could *will* myself free of it. I really don't think you should feel shame because this isn't something (IMO) that either of us did *wrong*. I don't think I became an alcoholic because I drank too much at parties in college. I think there is a genetic connection and a nutritional deficiency connection and probably other physiological / mental connections I dont' understand. I don't think is was me being a bad person. I just don't believe that any more.

                          I do believe that getting connected with other alcoholics and using the tools they have used, and staying connected with these people and walking this sober walk together is what helps me the most. That is a power greater than myself that is restoring me to sanity. I also try to follow the diet and exercise recommendations in the MWO book. I think they help tremendously. I took the nutritional supplements exactly as outlined in the book early on. I still supplement - I have just adapted over time to what seems to fit my personal needs. I also liked the CD's early on.

                          The voices in my head lie to me about my relationship with AL. It took me some time to be able to sort out the TRUTH. The truth is setting me free.

                          DG
                          Sobriety Date = 5/22/08
                          Nicotine Free Date = 2/27/07


                          One day at a time.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            desperate for a change

                            broken teeth

                            Thank you all so much for your encouragement and unreasonable faith in me... Im gonna try... Im not sober yet... But still, everything tells me to quit. Seriously: on NPR comes a program about a guy who drank for decades and quit... Tv proframs feature cops and teachers and lawyers who have had too much... Yesterday, i went to Publix and grabbed a bottle of wine and nothing else... And a lil ol guy behind me, caughf my eyeand said' "getting dunk tonight eh?" and then he smiled a tunnel of broken teeth.

                            Comment


                              #15
                              desperate for a change

                              Hi Sulapeace.

                              I too am desperate for change and I'm now on to my AF 2nd day! I reached for a bottle of wine for similar reasons to you. At first its great, but I hear you when you say that it soon starts to trip you up! Which then becomes more frustrating, with self, the wine and circumstance.

                              I wish you well Sulapeace. I know finding this site really helped me get through my last 24 hours. Speaking to these guys on here has been an inspiration for me.

                              Keep talking.

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