I now know I'm in denial

[Panno]

For the past few weeks I have been wondering why I can not string more than 8 days AF - This is how its been for me since Feb..... I go AF between 5 - 8 days and then drink again for between 1 - 5 days depending on where I am and what I'm doing. Yes I know this is better than when I came here because before February I had not had a break for 10 plus years. However my main aim was to go 30 days AF and then see if I could mod!! Not going the 30 days has left me crazy wondering why - well today I think I have found out why.... As we know our dear funny yellow friend has slipped today and one of my thought process was I don't get drunk, I don't post or text or drive while drinking so I must be ok and I realise thats what has been going on in my head all the time...WELL WHO THE HELL AM I KIDDING, I might not be doing it now but I have in the past and the risk of doing it again is one drink away.... How the hell do you get out of denial?

[tlrgs]

I now know I'm in denial

now thats a keeper panno you are learning little one .. love and hugs and keep writing

[Patty]

I now know I'm in denial

I sure wish I knew the answer to that one! I have slipped yet again... Maybe there isn't an answer maybe its our own individual journey and in that its discovering us again, that part of us we have been blocking out that needs nurturing?

Is it a reward we give ourselves when we feel we need comfort ?
Where else could we find comfort?
What truly are our needs and wants?
What scares us about being who we want to be?
Do we feel we don't deserve happiness and freedom?
Do we distract ourselves from our true needs by denial?

I know I haven't given you much here and right now, but in my denial I find myself asking these questions. Today this is where I am!

Maybe we just need to love, nurture and be kind to ourselves more!

If you find any answer please let me know! I wish you well on finding what you need! X

[dancelot]

I now know I'm in denial

Panno - Your post shows great insight - hang on to it with your life. My guess is we stop being in denial when we face and admit we are in denial - no ifs, ands,or buts. Denial is full of all those. Believe me, when I faced it, it was a slap in the face.

I was so much like you. I wasn't at MWO then, so my personal struggle wasn't public. I also didn't drive, text, drunk dial, lose jobs, etc either. I did the well this is "better" when I did some AF days - though I knew it was the lesser of two evils at best. I had no real control over it.

The day I came here was the day I woke up, and just could no longer deny any of it. It was a wake up call. It was different than "I won't drink today" - trust me, I said that every morning since forever. I also for the first time believed (I've known forever, but believing is something way different). I think I was just ready, or accepted that this really was the end of the line - either for drinking or for me. It just was what it was. There was option A or Option B - I could pick only one. In AA I've heard it will happen when we are ready (I'm not advocating to anyone to stop trying - though each one of us likely has to come to our own realization - and also do the work).

I got some very good advice in chat and followed it. I went for 30 days. In my case, I had to do it right then - not tomorrow. I am not someone who can necessarily plan ahead and follow through. If I really don't want to, I'll conveniently "forget!" - like I did every day of my drinking career.

I was ready to go to AA that day, and researching online found this site. My intention was to mod, not so much because I loved drinking so much anymore, since it was causing me much physical and spiritual misery, but because I seriously doubted I could ever stop. I feared the idea of doing 30 days just to mod - I did not believe it possible! Before the end of 30 days, I knew AF was the only option for me, and have held on to that for dear life, and never looked back - except to remind myself to never, ever open that door even a crack.

It really can be done, I am proof. I wish you the best, and much love to you. :h

[Doggygirl]

I now know I'm in denial

Panno, I can relate to that denial you are talking about. Denial kept me drinking for many years even when I knew deep down I was a "problem drinker" (before I was ready to accept that the word alcoholic applies to me!!) As long as I had even the smallest of reservations about my ability to somehow control my drinking and someday drink safely, I could not stop. So congratulations on reaching an important milestone, IMO, in your recovery.

Sheri, I like that list. I can reflect back and see that I did most of them at various points during my downward slide.

While it might be "better" on some level to have some AF days here and there rather than no AF days, I am convinced for myself that I could not possibly be growing and improving my life in the ways that I am if I were still fighting AL by drinking even some of the time. Maybe it would be easier on my liver to have some AF days than no AF days. But I did not start truly getting out of my rut while I was still drinking any.

Keep looking in the mirror - you will find everything there that you need to for recovery.

DG

[mayday]

I now know I'm in denial

Thanks for sharing Panno, so many of us it seems struggle with Denail too..
Awesome post Sheri, thank you!
Watched an awesome Docu (its here on the site under general discussion I think) 'Rain in my Heart'...man does that show us denail...right in the face!

[Panno]

I now know I'm in denial

Thanks for all your responses and Sheri great post and I can relate to all but number 17 !! I have still got to get my plan in action which I have set a goal to do by Friday ready for the weekend but determined to stay AF through the week also

[NoraC]

I now know I'm in denial

Panno - thanks for this thread.:l