My first day of sobriety
Yeah, my mom means well, she IS my mother after all, but she's just not down with this whole 'alcohol is a drug' thing. Dude. Alcohol is totally a drug. So is sugar by the way! At least for me. Hell, for someone with my blood sugar issues, even freaking stevia makes me react like it's a drug.
Anyway.
I realized today that it's easy- relatively- for me to STOP what I consider my three destructive habits, my 'booze behaviour'.
But what remains is a lifetime of dysfunctional thinking.
However, I also noticed that I don't 'decide to use' in an irrational way, I don't suddenly take leave of my senses. It is always a fairly cold decision. It's rational in that there is a REASON. Always.
The big reason was 'holy shit, I have no endorphin, serotonin or dopamine and I NEED SOME RIGHT NOW.'
An my brain chemistry knew that there was, for most of my life, NO other way to get these chemicals other than disordered eating, disordered spending of money and use of drugs.
There is logic to this.
BUT- the moment I proved (through keeping detailed notes) that I could get (better, steady, sustained, healing, nutritious) supplies of these chemicals through amino acid supplements, that reason was dismantled.
"I wanna use!" whines the habit.
"Why?" says I.
"Because I have no endorphin/serotonin/dopamine!"
"So take a supplement."
And I do.
And I don't use, because I no longer have a reason to.
So, today, I wanted to dismantle two other reasons.
They are:
"I need to work and I don't have ENOUGH energy, juice, whatever to power through."
And:
"I need a break from all this blood sugar stress!"
For some reason, I'd developed my drug habit as a 'solution' to these problems. So I wanted, today, to really PAY ATTENTION to what was going on when I had my 'drugs' (some of which are behaviors rather than substances.) Did it really solve these problems? Did it give me the energy to work and the rest and respite from my health problems?
I suspected NOT, needless to say. But I wanted the data to use as ammo against this false reasoning that using DOES give me energy or rest.
Sooo... I used and I kept detailed notes as to how I felt and what it did.
Here's what I learned.
In a book I've bought recently, there's a chart about rest and energy. There are four quadrants. The upper quadrants are 'high activity', the lower quadrants are 'low activity'.
On the positive side of the chart is ENERGIZED and CHILL.
On the negative side of the chart is SPIKE and NUMB
Caffeine is a SPIKE thing. Alcohol and sugar are NUMB things. Complex carbs, lean protein, exercise and fresh air are ENERGIZE things. Hot baths, meditation, relaxing with friends are CHILL things.
What my drugs do is totally, 100% SPIKE and NUMB. They put me in those states.
To work, what I really need is to be energized, not to be in that state of spike. I don't work well or think clearly when my blood sugar is being bounced around by caffeine, or I'm overexercising for adrenaline. Obviously. But it's like I'm so used to only engaging in 'spike' activities.
To rest and restore my energy from the stress of my health problems, needless to say, I need the chill stuff- NOT the numbness. But what these drugs and drug-behaviours do is, naturally, induce NUMB. That's all.
They're false energy and false rest. They don't GIVE me any energy OR any rest.
So.
My task now is to read the book properly and learn how to change my habits so that I can get 'energize' and 'chill' states. I need the real thing- real energy and real rest. Not fake druggy spikes and druggy numbness.
And in doing so, that destroys those two reasons. There is now NO POINT in me using for energy or rest- the drugs don't give me any rest or energy.
Just like they don't really give me the sustained, restored levels of brain chemicals I need, or the balanced blood sugar I need.
So, I feel like I did accomplish something today. I have NEVER paid attention to what was going on while using before. In fact, I noticed quickly that a big part of it was NOT paying attention, just going into a kind of mindless fugue of spiky wiredness and tuned-out numbness.
I think I honestly just never learned how to REST proplery. Or to work in a healthy, non-workaholic spikey way. I'm from a profession (design and animation) that RUNS on caffeine. I'm NOT kidding. People work 20 hour days and live on pepsi and cheetos and coffee (and then beer and wine after dark). And cocaine. Hey, can't forget the coke. The whole work culture not only tolerates this, it encourages it.
Same for my academic career before that, honestly. Dude. EVERY student I knew was using some kind of upper. And then booze to simmer down and sleep after the big exam.
But I just can't live that way. My health problems won't allow it. And I'm just not happy using. It's not REAL, you know? It's not real energy, real rest or real life. It isn't LIVING.
So, I don't think I'm going to have to use again, because now I KNOW what's up, I have the notes. Next time it feels like I have a REASON?
I'll figure out what I really need and get that instead.
Yeah, my mom means well, she IS my mother after all, but she's just not down with this whole 'alcohol is a drug' thing. Dude. Alcohol is totally a drug. So is sugar by the way! At least for me. Hell, for someone with my blood sugar issues, even freaking stevia makes me react like it's a drug.
Anyway.
I realized today that it's easy- relatively- for me to STOP what I consider my three destructive habits, my 'booze behaviour'.
But what remains is a lifetime of dysfunctional thinking.
However, I also noticed that I don't 'decide to use' in an irrational way, I don't suddenly take leave of my senses. It is always a fairly cold decision. It's rational in that there is a REASON. Always.
The big reason was 'holy shit, I have no endorphin, serotonin or dopamine and I NEED SOME RIGHT NOW.'
An my brain chemistry knew that there was, for most of my life, NO other way to get these chemicals other than disordered eating, disordered spending of money and use of drugs.
There is logic to this.
BUT- the moment I proved (through keeping detailed notes) that I could get (better, steady, sustained, healing, nutritious) supplies of these chemicals through amino acid supplements, that reason was dismantled.
"I wanna use!" whines the habit.
"Why?" says I.
"Because I have no endorphin/serotonin/dopamine!"
"So take a supplement."
And I do.
And I don't use, because I no longer have a reason to.
So, today, I wanted to dismantle two other reasons.
They are:
"I need to work and I don't have ENOUGH energy, juice, whatever to power through."
And:
"I need a break from all this blood sugar stress!"
For some reason, I'd developed my drug habit as a 'solution' to these problems. So I wanted, today, to really PAY ATTENTION to what was going on when I had my 'drugs' (some of which are behaviors rather than substances.) Did it really solve these problems? Did it give me the energy to work and the rest and respite from my health problems?
I suspected NOT, needless to say. But I wanted the data to use as ammo against this false reasoning that using DOES give me energy or rest.
Sooo... I used and I kept detailed notes as to how I felt and what it did.
Here's what I learned.
In a book I've bought recently, there's a chart about rest and energy. There are four quadrants. The upper quadrants are 'high activity', the lower quadrants are 'low activity'.
On the positive side of the chart is ENERGIZED and CHILL.
On the negative side of the chart is SPIKE and NUMB
Caffeine is a SPIKE thing. Alcohol and sugar are NUMB things. Complex carbs, lean protein, exercise and fresh air are ENERGIZE things. Hot baths, meditation, relaxing with friends are CHILL things.
What my drugs do is totally, 100% SPIKE and NUMB. They put me in those states.
To work, what I really need is to be energized, not to be in that state of spike. I don't work well or think clearly when my blood sugar is being bounced around by caffeine, or I'm overexercising for adrenaline. Obviously. But it's like I'm so used to only engaging in 'spike' activities.
To rest and restore my energy from the stress of my health problems, needless to say, I need the chill stuff- NOT the numbness. But what these drugs and drug-behaviours do is, naturally, induce NUMB. That's all.
They're false energy and false rest. They don't GIVE me any energy OR any rest.
So.
My task now is to read the book properly and learn how to change my habits so that I can get 'energize' and 'chill' states. I need the real thing- real energy and real rest. Not fake druggy spikes and druggy numbness.
And in doing so, that destroys those two reasons. There is now NO POINT in me using for energy or rest- the drugs don't give me any rest or energy.
Just like they don't really give me the sustained, restored levels of brain chemicals I need, or the balanced blood sugar I need.
So, I feel like I did accomplish something today. I have NEVER paid attention to what was going on while using before. In fact, I noticed quickly that a big part of it was NOT paying attention, just going into a kind of mindless fugue of spiky wiredness and tuned-out numbness.
I think I honestly just never learned how to REST proplery. Or to work in a healthy, non-workaholic spikey way. I'm from a profession (design and animation) that RUNS on caffeine. I'm NOT kidding. People work 20 hour days and live on pepsi and cheetos and coffee (and then beer and wine after dark). And cocaine. Hey, can't forget the coke. The whole work culture not only tolerates this, it encourages it.
Same for my academic career before that, honestly. Dude. EVERY student I knew was using some kind of upper. And then booze to simmer down and sleep after the big exam.
But I just can't live that way. My health problems won't allow it. And I'm just not happy using. It's not REAL, you know? It's not real energy, real rest or real life. It isn't LIVING.
So, I don't think I'm going to have to use again, because now I KNOW what's up, I have the notes. Next time it feels like I have a REASON?
I'll figure out what I really need and get that instead.
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