I CAN start my Day 1....

[Audrey14]

:thanks::thanks::thanks: to everybody who posted and supported me in a "ASAP" thread!!!

This Saturtday morning i woke up physically very anxious, week, with pain in my heart..
Before coffee i opened MWO page..And i understood that before physical activities i have to calm my mind, to stop worrying about money, future, unpaid bills etc. at first i have stop drinking because i spent this week crazy amount of my little money for AL..i could pay more some bills, spend money for well-being...Yes, i have regrets about it but i know that i have stop to torture myself..i really wondering how i'm great about it :H Real "torture retreat"...

So, to calm my mind and soul, i started to read New testament, my beloved "Celtic evening prayers", surfing in i- net to find more, listening Gregorians etc. i understood how far in the last months i was from God..And if i can't help myself alone i'm asking for help to him..
I wrote jessie a letter in which i said that some time ago i had conversation with very modern priest and he told me about expierience of hos friend - psychotherapist that sometimes psychotherapy is powerless..So, he finally became a priest too...

It's not a becoming priest or not or religion..it's about your inner believes..I still believe in God but for some years i don't believe in myself..That's why i'm here..In MWO..With hope to get this balance inside back...

Now it's time to get in order my home (oh, my God, real mess.....) and body..

Best wishes for holidays!!!!!

[Audrey14]

I CAN start my Day 1....

And this Celtic Prayer helped me....

Come, Lord, come down, come in, come among us.
Enter into our darkness with your light.
Come fill our emptiness with your presence.
Dispel the clouds and reveal your glory.
Come refresh, renew, restore us.
Come Lord, come down, come in, come among us. Amen.
From “Traces of Glory” Pg. 5

[Kimberley]

I CAN start my Day 1....

Hey, glad to see the shift in attitude. You're right- you CAN do this. I wil just give you one bit of advice. If this is the first time you are attempting to go AF, make it the ONLY time. It is much harder to climb back on the wagon - the first time I managed a long time AF, that was the longest I ever did and I have never achieved that long again. I WILL in the end - but it's taking a hell of a ride to get back there again.

So I hope you stay close to the forum and if you feel like drinking - come on here and ask to chat with someone. And plan, plan, plan. Ah, I wish I took my own advice sometimes...

Anyway, we're gonna cheerlead you all the way Audrey. YOU CAN DO IT!!

[Audrey14]

I CAN start my Day 1....

Kimberley;934014 wrote: Hey, glad to see the shift in attitude. You're right- you CAN do this. I wil just give you one bit of advice. If this is the first time you are attempting to go AF, make it the ONLY time. It is much harder to climb back on the wagon - the first time I managed a long time AF, that was the longest I ever did and I have never achieved that long again. I WILL in the end - but it's taking a hell of a ride to get back there again.

So I hope you stay close to the forum and if you feel like drinking - come on here and ask to chat with someone. And plan, plan, plan. Ah, I wish I took my own advice sometimes...

Anyway, we're gonna cheerlead you all the way Audrey. YOU CAN DO IT!!

Thanks:thanks: Kimberley!!!

No, it's not my first time to attempt to get free from AL addiction... That's why i'm affraid..I can't stay alone but i live alone..Today i meet my daughter, she in her 17.5 is very addult..She knows my problem but i don't want to put all this staff on her.. she's always angry when i'm drunk..Her father is taking financial care of her so at least i can be happy about it...here in Postsoviet countries it is not very usual, so many my girlfriends in my age or younger are single mothers..My daughter also knows that mild problems with alchohol i started to have after divorce 8 years ago..i divorced her father or vice versa...
Yes, it was really mild problem and i can't imagine how it can progress...:wow:

[big mo]

I CAN start my Day 1....

Kimberley wise words , I wish i had been given and taken that advice a long time ago.

[Kimberley]

I CAN start my Day 1....

Audrey14;934021 wrote: Yes, it was really mild problem and i can't imagine how it can progress...:wow:

Yeah it's called addiction I never thought I'd turn out how I did either. In fact if you asked any of the people that were around me as a kid (teachers etc), I was always tipped for great prospects - Dr, laywer etc. How wrong they were!!

I don't know what makes someone more likely to become an addict, but I think it has nothing to do with logic or intelligence. I think it is usually more to do with pain and an inability to cope with that. It sounds like your divorce may have triggered some feeling in you that you couldn't stand. And alcohol lessened that. And because it seemed to work, you increased it.

The annoying thing about alcohol is that, as great as it is at allieviating feelings of pain, there comes a time when it stops working in the same way. And then you drink more in the belief that it will be able to help. But it doesn't. And then you hate yourself for drinking. And the cycle continues. Catch 22.

Anyway Audrey, even if it isn't the first time you've tried to give up, I hope you've learnt some tips on previous tries. I am still learning as I go along. But this is a great place to be - everyone undrestands and will support you.

Best of luck and I hope to chat with you on here and help you out too. You've made a brave decision and if you need help at any time, just ask.
K x

[Kimberley]

I CAN start my Day 1....

Me too, Big Mo! To my cost. But I have learnt that the fewer times I try, the easier it will be. So when I start my next attempt at being AF I will make sure I am really trying. Not going to start being half-hearted as that will most certainly fail and then it'll be one more time I've failed.

Gotta start out in the right space/frame of mind. I am going to spend today (after drinking on Thurs and Fri due to being sad) trying to sort out my head, some kind of plan etc, tapering down with Hair Of the Dog and tomorrow I won't drink at all. Whether that will be 'the start' of my AF life I don't know. This is why I've stopped putting my 'dry date' on my signature. I want to be convinced of my intention like I was the first time. I will get there, and so will you.

Hugs,
K x

[big mo]

I CAN start my Day 1....

Kimberley I am on day 5 AF and posted about an hour ago on my thread how crap i felt and how scared i am about tonight , 1 cup of coffee later im feeling a bit more human , still scared about tonight but hopefully i have learnt from last night and will manage tonight better . I once heard someone say at an AA meeting how every time they hit rock bottom and could'nt get any worse a bloody trapdoor opened and they fell further which i thought was true and appropiate to some of us myself especially however if we want to drink we will find an excuse and thats when we need to have a plan in place such as coming on here, anyway listen to me 5th day AF and preaching, Audrey sorry for ranting on your thread , hope things go to plan and two bits of advice i was told many times but never heeded until now and i am trying to keep them fresh in my head are take it a day at a time or if need be an hour at a time and dont lift the first drink, if you dont have the first drink you wont get drunk. I guarantee i will need my own advice later but thats what this site is all about and why we are here , take care Mo

[Kimberley]

I CAN start my Day 1....

Too true, Mo. The only good thing about starting over is that you almost always learn something from what DIDN'T work. Congrats on 5 days so far - many more to ya,
K x

[greeneyes]

I CAN start my Day 1....

Good start with the title, audrey! A nice big CAN!

[Audrey14]

I CAN start my Day 1....

Kimberley;934024 wrote: Yeah it's called addiction I never thought I'd turn out how I did either. In fact if you asked any of the people that were around me as a kid (teachers etc), I was always tipped for great prospects - Dr, laywer etc. How wrong they were!!

I don't know what makes someone more likely to become an addict, but I think it has nothing to do with logic or intelligence. I think it is usually more to do with pain and an inability to cope with that. It sounds like your divorce may have triggered some feeling in you that you couldn't stand. And alcohol lessened that. And because it seemed to work, you increased it.

The annoying thing about alcohol is that, as great as it is at allieviating feelings of pain, there comes a time when it stops working in the same way. And then you drink more in the belief that it will be able to help. But it doesn't. And then you hate yourself for drinking. And the cycle continues. Catch 22.

Anyway Audrey, even if it isn't the first time you've tried to give up, I hope you've learnt some tips on previous tries. I am still learning as I go along. But this is a great place to be - everyone undrestands and will support you.

Best of luck and I hope to chat with you on here and help you out too. You've made a brave decision and if you need help at any time, just ask.
K x

Hi, Kimberley!!! :thanks: for your long posts and advices!!!

Some days ago i saw great british movie "Dangerous parking" about film maker - alcholic..It made me start to attempt new cycle of AL free life..I have big fear that i'll never reach this "wonderful sober life"..And..I have another addiction - relationships..and it's goes together - failing in relationship and AL..8 years ago i had divorce and it was a reason why i slowly started to drink..Not everyday of course..Sometimes only in weekends or just 1 - 2 glasses during a week..But looking like in a retrospection - the biggest problem arose when i started drinking alone..Women tries to hide her problem as she can, so mostly she drinks alone..Not to celebrate, not to have fun but just go away from reality, to cover pain..If i'm sober for some days i feel so big emotional pain..Because sometimes i think my heart is in constant anaesthesia....

But this time i'm ready to sit and cry..
i did my yoga session and my body is still fit and "my servant"..But i have pain in stomach today and i have really fear to do check-up with my family doctor..
Again - i'm afraid to face reality - it is everywhere - money, job, relationship.. i live in some non - realistic land.. i know that could be better to realize it and start to write..but i can write (in my native language, of course...) when i'm sober.. Yes, many writers were alcholics but it doesn't fit me...
When i drink i can't make important decisions, find a new job, have normal relationship..Before i didn't want to admit it ..Now i have to..
:l

[gyco]

I CAN start my Day 1....

hi 14,and all the others,some good comments,hopefully others who come to this site,will see your story,how tough it can get,and to your other question can it get worse,o yes,i beleive starts put a documentary on a few months ago,alchoholism at its finest,on how rampant it has become in england,and the odd thing is,it is not just england,it is all over the world,if society only new,or even understood,audrey14 you hav a gift.youve come here,found new hope,as someone said,use this site,use the knowledge from others,when your down let out your feelings,theyll always be someone here tht can relate,again i wish you well,theres an old saying in AA,what i couldnt do,We can, hav a wonderful day gyco

[Audrey14]

I CAN start my Day 1....

Hi everybody!!!
Finally at home, here will be soon 10 p.m. Still sober and will be tonight!!! I went before going home shopping in supermarket and bought only food, juice, new toothbrush, etc. I skipped AL part and felt so good – 9 p.m and i’m not drunk!!!! I’m even not buying a wine!!
I spent almost all afternoon and evening with my daughter... 2 hours on the beach and conversation with her..i told almost all about my problem, MWO, my plans etc. She’s ready to give support..And she’s wonderful.. i can’t dream about better daughter....
After beach we went to restaurant and i had small portion of sushi and big glass of cold water with lemon and ice..First question of waitress “Something to drink??”...Was so nice warm evening, nice terrace and was sooooooo hard instead of water ask big glas of cold white wine....I felt almost physical pain in my chest..My daughter saved me and after told me that she’s proud of me...
When we are together we are very sarcastic, making jokes..about ourselves too..But we agreed that it ‘s to early make jokes about my drinking..
She proposed next holidays to some hiking along the beach, sleep in a tent etc. And without AL!!! She get so excited to make two T – shirts with striked out wine bottle,,So i have a plan to be sober at least till next saturtday..Sounds for me now like science fiction after 3 months drinking almost every day ...
Plan for this evening – some readings, maybe movie..
Tomorrow i have very „big plan” – to go at 10 a.m. to the service in my curch...I’ll see It’s early for me...

[Audrey14]

I CAN start my Day 1....

Gyco;934101 wrote: hi 14,and all the others,some good comments,hopefully others who come to this site,will see your story,how tough it can get,and to your other question can it get worse,o yes,i beleive starts put a documentary on a few months ago,alchoholism at its finest,on how rampant it has become in england,and the odd thing is,it is not just england,it is all over the world,if society only new,or even understood,audrey14 you hav a gift.youve come here,found new hope,as someone said,use this site,use the knowledge from others,when your down let out your feelings,theyll always be someone here tht can relate,again i wish you well,theres an old saying in AA,what i couldnt do,We can, hav a wonderful day gyco

Thanks Gyco!!

Yes, this site is helping me!! Of course, i have to do this practical job with myself but theoretical and emotional support i really get here!!! Here people are poor, hopeless, tired from the past and continuous changes and uncertainty.. That's why i made my "unrealistic world" and wine kept company.. I have some toughts to go away but at first i have to recover...
Have a nice Sunday!!!!

[Audrey14]

I CAN start my Day 1....

What a beautiful Sunday morning!!! 1st night without AL in stomach!!!
I hope that 2nd Day without AL too!!
Slept pretty good - from 1.am. - 8 a.m. with 2 "interruptions"for toilet :H
Yes, i have mild headache and tension in my neck and shoulders, but can't compare with yesterday....
Going to church, will answer all your posts (new and older) after.

Have a nice sunday!!!!!